Floating Forward

I dwell too much on the past, and dream too much about the future.

The reason I never fully enjoy the present, is because I spend my life living in the regret of never enjoying my past to its fullest extent. The reason I live a life of regret, is because my present days never live up to the dreams I have of my future.

I spend my life asking "What if?"
"What if I had done things differently?"

Or,

"What if I don't get into the school of my dreams?"

Time is constantly trying to catch up to my immeasurable expectations as I'm constantly just chasing my dreams. I'm still not sure if I view Time as a friend or enemy. I'm not sure if I'm trying to run from it, or looking to it for help. In the end, I always concede to letting Time catch up to me.

When this happens I always ask it, "Where have you gone?" The answer is always that Time has never left me, I've simply chosen to ignore its essence.

There is nothing I can ever do that will change the past; I need to stop dwelling. If I keep allowing myself to be anchored by regrets, my dreams will all float away, and I will never be able to catch them. It's time to enjoy the present time that I'm living in; this way, I won't have to look back with regret and the wonder of why I never fully enjoyed myself.

From now on, I will be working on moving nowhere but onward and upward. People need me, and I need to tend to them, I can't just disregard them as I float along in my own pathetic reverie. I've come realize that everything I set in front of myself can be acquired, once I stop looking back and wandering off course. No more looking back; my future is waiting.

Too Much Food for Thought

Today, I realized why men aren't as expressive as women. They lack that monthly mood swing when most women spend it over-eating, and over analyzing anything and everything. It makes me wonder: are men indeed less in touch with their feelings because they don't go through a monthly week-long emotional epiphany; or, are women just over-emotional because mother nature felt it was necessary to cloud us with depression once every month?

I may never know the answer, but at least I found a cool quote today. It's from my favorite Sex and the City episode entitled "The Real Me". I really wish I watched this episode during this past year, when I felt like I was digging myself into a professional and academic shit hole. I guess it's appropriate that I dug this up after getting myself back on track.

"I had a choice. I could slink off the runway and let my inner model die of shame…or I could pick myself up, flaws and all, and finish. And that’s just what I did; because when real people fall down in life, they get right back up and keep on walking." -Carrie Bradshaw (Sex and the City)

Good to know that I'm still walking...hopefully in the right direction.

Dramatic vs. Traumatic

I'm reading a novel about the history of philosophy and in it I found this quote:

"You can't experience being alive without realizing that you have to die, but it's just as impossible to realize you have to die without thinking how incredibly amazing it is to be alive."

Perhaps, after my accident in November, I have truly embraced the beauty of life. That fateful night could have been the reason why I am no longer fazed by the petty things that others tend to stress over. After staring Death in the face at the age of nineteen, I no longer have a care for acquiring anything but another step through life. Now that I have fully defeated any emotional or financial struggle from that day, I can finally plant both feet on this stable ground that I built for myself, and breathe a sigh of relief. Everything is perfect...

So long as I keep my eyes open.

Once again, I am speeding down the 10. As always, those two lights appear just in front of me, and, as always, my car slams into the one in front of me.

As my car skids out of control, my heart beats likewise. Unable to catch my breath, my eyes snap open. I take a look around and breath a sigh of relief as I realize that I am safe in my room. I watch as the sun illuminates my soft pink walls and, immediately, I am calm again.

No longer do I dream about the shattered glass or the flames engulfing my surroundings. The thoughts of my mom as I presumed my death are merely recollections of that night, and no longer do they lurk in my dreams. It seems to me that as the months go by, my dream keeps getting cut shorter and shorter. It's as if my subconsciousness hopes that one day my dream will be shortened to nothing but a safe drive home, thus matching the same effect with my memories.

Nice try.

I need to stop having these dreams, especially when I'm trying to take a power nap before going in to work tonight. At least I got a good hour in before my slumber was so rudely interrupted by that traumatic dream. I guess I should get ready for work now, seeing as it usually takes me a while to pick out what to wear.

P.S. One more week and I'm done with this place. My feelings? Mixed.

The Green Light Effect

It was nearly one in the morning, and I was wrapping the wire around the tables outside (as if someone would really be tempted to come by in the middle of the night to steal a table...or, better yet, a heat lamp). Finally done with that grueling task, I clocked out, got in my car, and drove home. The streets were pretty empty, and I was in a rush to make it home to my bed.

In the distance the light turned red.

I pulled to a stop and rested my foot on the brake pedal, all the while thinking about how exhausted I was. I closed my eyes for a couple seconds, and opened them in time to see the light turn green.

"No," I thought. "I'm so tired, I just want to stay here and rest a little."

It was then that I took the laws of the road into my own selfish hands and decided to stall at the light for a couple seconds longer. I rested my head on the steering wheel and exhaled; from behind me I heard a honk. I looked up to see two bright lights blinding me in my rearview mirror. I had no choice but to press the gas and proceed down the road.

On that drive home I realized, the process of life is like a traffic light. When you're at the light and it turns green, you have no other choice but to go. When you're overwhelmed with obstacles and obligations, you can't just stop and feel sorry for yourself hoping that someone will come and pick up your slack; you need to continue with your life. Like that person in the car who honked at me so that he could continue on with his drive, there will always be someone out there who needs you to keep going so that they can carry out their life. You can't just stay stuck at that light forever; eventually it will change, and you will have to keep going.

On a lighter note: I am currently obsessed with Snow Patrol's music.

You might be thinking, "Wow, you're late; they're so old."

That's fine with me. Asshole.

Summation

The Audrey Hepburn poster in my office now has a thought bubble that says, "So much to do...so little time."

Ironically, she is looking at my calendar.

180

I just woke up to the biggest panic attack.

Why the fuck do I lack so much motivation? I feel like time is running out and I don't have any reason to regain any sort of motivation or orginization.

But I have to. And I can. I will. Right?

Time is my biggest enemy in every aspect of my life right now; but the more I stand still and feel sorry for myself, the faster life will pass me by.

I need to get a grip. I'm desperately trying to grasp onto anything that will keep me sane right now, but every chance of orginization just slips away from me. WHAT is wrong with me?

So let's get something straight: I'm emotionally unstable. This emotional rollercoaster is, by far, the most unenjoyable ride I've ever been on in my life.

I blame the pill...or PMS.

Either way, a lesson has been learned: the pill combined with PMS is the bane of every woman on her road to success.

I feel better.

I think tomorrow, after bio, I'm going to sit down at my white board and figure my life out.

I can do this. HA!

I have successfully defeated my hormones. Really? So I screwed up, my job entails a lot of responsibilities, thus presenting a litany of mistakes that can be made. Should I have made them? No. But I did. And I'm learning. I am.

If I were perfect, I would be boring. I'm nineteen years old...I'm NINETEEN. Give me a break. I need to give myself a break seeing as no one else will. Nineteen. Geez Tina, relax. When I look back on my life, I don't want to see some loser who stressed over being student government president at some community college, I want to see a girl who took on a huge role, and came out of it a fucking genius.

Criticize me, I don't care; you're only making me stronger. You can throw empty criticism at me thinking I won't learn from my mistakes, but your lack of faith in me will only motivate me further. WOW, another thing I realized, I'm important enough to be on someone's mind and have them form endless opinions about me. I just realized: I'm pretty important. Okay...what now?

Time to live up to the perceptions...or defeat them.

I need to stop beating myself down. I will climb out of this hole I dug for myself. This is why I haven't really been crying to anybody. When everything is your fault, who can you blame but yourself? Crying in front of someone may be cathartic, but it also puts a burden on them. No one wants extra burdens. I've been keeping to myself and rightfully so; I got myself into this fucked up mess, and I WILL get myself out.

I don't care if I sound redundant in this entry. I need to. Plus this isn't for you, this was all for me. I'm the one who woke up in a cold sweat in the middle of a dream...about being in bio class. I guess that could have been interrupted.

Wow. Ok. I can do this.

Free Boost

I just realized how amazing I am.

After going through two weeks of absolute HELL with school, work, student government, and famiily issues (among many others), I realized: although it SUCKS how I have to deal with all this shit now, the fact that I actually have stuff to stress about makes my life pretty remarkable. As I was rushing back and forth from home and school, I noticed the beautiful flowers in bloom along the road. My life is beautiful, and no one can change that; I've decided to embrace my busy schedule and tell myself how amazing I am for having made it this far.

Funny how I'm feeling so elated even through PMS. LOVELY.

Really. It's lovely. I love my life right now.

The other day I had a mini breakdown as I was rampaging down the 55 freeway (nearly blinded by my own tears and listening to the symphony of my own screaming). Yeah. Life does that to you. But yesterday I realized just how important true friends are in times like these. We all need each other. I love all of my friends. :)

That's my post after being M.I.A. for about a month and a half. :)

Faking It

ORANGE COUNTY, CALIFORNIA. A place where everything was made so that you wouldn't have to venture any further than five miles from your residential bubble in order to find what you need. The parking spots are bigger, and the neighborhoods are smaller. People here are friendly...so long as we don't have to see each other and exchange that awkward "Hello". Greetings are rarely issued because with that you have to spend a good two minutes pretending to be interested in the person's current life. Faking interest is something that often happens at the mall, the super market, or even on the streets when you see your neighbors during your afternoon jog. There is an unwritten book of rules that every person abides by and the OCPD rarely has any real menace to break up, so they settle with issuing three-hundred-dollar fines to petty crimes such as Jay Walking. It's the perfect place to settle down, raise a family, and (especially) retire. It is not the place, however, to find love.

Here, the college scene is struggling to find an identity for itself, as we are in an age where we are just breaking free from the conservative mindsets instilled upon us by our parents. Labels have been taken to a whole new level. Not only do we wear nothing but brand name clothes, but we have also begun to embrace labels to describe ourselves. Most of the time people can't find an identity of their own so they settle with being an imitation of someone they long to be. In a city filled with men in search of who they really are, an equally lost woman would have just as much trouble finding herself let alone true love. That is not to say that there is a difference somewhere else.

Trust me, I've been "somewhere else" quite a few times now, and just recently I was informed of something I really wish I could forget I ever heard.

So here it is, another complication for an already complicated situation. I hate being stuck in emotional messes. This time, I'm not going to be the one cleaning up. I hate being aggravated and distracted. I already have way too much on my plate to be worrying about such a ridiculous and utterly unreasonable issue.

Fuck it. I'm way too good to even be thinking about this.

Gracious Afflictions

I’ve walked down this road in the past. I know it. I’ve seen that sign of uncertainty so many times before and these red flags are all too familiar. Stopping mid-step, I realize that I’m not going anywhere with this situation at all. I’m not fully satisfied, not learning from my mistakes, and not making any improvements. Then it hit me. I’ve have been walking in circles. Exasperated, I begin to run. Angry at myself for walking right back into square one, I run aimlessly down unfamiliar avenues until I am surrounded by nothing but my own fear.

I run until I can’t handle facing any more of my fears and I settle to a sudden stop. I’m tired and completely lost now that I’m outside of my comfort zone. My legs are fatigued from trying to escape my mistakes, and my heart feels like it’s trying to beat its way out of my chest. I slow down, and begin to walk blindly in the direction of nowhere. I try to convince myself, “This is good; this is what you wanted. You wanted something different, and this is far from ordinary.”

“This is good…”

Yet, no matter how “good” this seems to be, I can’t stop myself from looking back and re-living the past. As I become immersed in my distractions, I forget to watch where I’m going, and I walk straight into a wall of doubt. I hit my head hard and fall to the ground, face-first into a mass of confusion. I lay there for awhile, letting the pain of the impact travel through my body. After awhile I get up, brush off my knees, and turn to examine the source of my fall: that patronizing wall of doubt. It’s not that tall, about two months high, nineteen years long, and indefinitely wide. I can’t find a way around this wall, so I climb the two months, sit down on my doubt, trying to figure out how I got here and how to get out.

Not long ago, I made a decision to take on this journey. So far it has been as pleasant as it is unpredictable. Along this road I’ve stopped by some good conversation, taking with me useful souvenirs like: charm, trust, compassion, and sophistication (to name a few). I spent my nights entangled with lust, and my mornings were calm and complacent. It wasn’t until recently that my old habit decided to kick in. I don’t know why I constantly feel the need to look back.

A breeze flows through the atmosphere, and the cold air provokes a stinging pain coming from my knee. I look down and notice a scrape that was not there before my fall. It’s a minor wound; nothing like the outcome of my past endeavors that cut me so deep the scars will never fade. This is a surface wound that leaves the skin underneath not bleeding, but simply exposed and vulnerable to virtually every infection that comes its way. I stare at it a bit longer and realize that skin is about as raw as the past two months have been for me. Now I realize how I got here. A voice sounds in my head.

“I’m not worried about whether things work out or not.”

Those words keep ringing in my head, “I’m not worried… I’m not worried… I’m not worried…” I was never meant to hear them, but somehow, through the nature of gossip, they got to me. Now I’m sitting here not only confused, but completely hurt. Why didn’t I realize this before? This road I’ve been taking ultimately leads to nowhere, and I feel like I’ve been wasting my time and energy pursuing whatever it is that I’m after. I’m the only one who cares about whether or not things work out, so the smart choice would be to get out now. The problem is I’m determined to make everything work out, no matter how much it hurts me. Quitting isn’t a part of my nature; however stubbornness takes up the majority of it.

I guess in order to get out of that agonizing routine I’ve been repeating for most of my life, I needed to take different paths. Not like it did anything. It just led me straight into a wall which resulted in an aching head and a sharp pain in my knee.

My knee.

That’s it! I’ve been so elusive, so cautious and unwilling to open up. No wonder I haven't been making any progress. Like the wound on my knee, I need to match the pain of my wounds to the raw nature of the journey I’ve been taking. I need to be more exposed. Revealing my true character and exposing the reason behind it is going to sting a little, but the reward is that I’ll only become a stronger, more statisfied person. Now that I’ve figured out how to handle my situation, I need figure out how to get out of this place. I look around, trying to asses how far this “wall” stretches. Then I realize that it’s not a wall I’ve been sitting on, but a step.

I understand now. My doubt has been nothing but a step in my life that I needed to overcome. I get up once again, face in the direction of reassurance and walk over my doubt. I’m ready to fix this... no matter how much it stings.

Pause

I've been so nervous lately. It's like I'm on stage and the world is my audience. I feel as if everyone is watching my every move, waiting for me to screw up as I move blindly through this phenomenon otherwise known as Life.

Yesterday, after I went to get a rental car, then to downtown Los Angeles and retrieved my possessions from my incinerated car, dealt with my insurance company, went to school sat through my joke of a philosophy class, got lunch to feed my famished body, attended the Board of Trustees meeting (which went three hours over), made the agenda for Thursday's meeting, did thirty some-odd problems for Statistics, fed my dog, tried to read for Philosophy, and took a shower, I went to the kitchen and just stood there for a while trying to unwind. Tick. Tick. Tick.

Time has been an enemy that I have learned to accept as a friend. It has long deluded me into thinking that it would wait for me, but I had to learn the hard way that it stops for no one. However, at that moment in the kitchen, I felt at peace with it. I felt like we had a mutual understanding with each other and at that moment, it seemed as though I was standing still with Time itself. Hand in hand. It was the most calm and settling feeling that I have felt in a while.

After too much silence my mind started to recall my weekend and I, once again, became desperate to find something, anything, that would keep my mind busy. I went to my computer and checked my email. It was filled with unread messages. Big surprise. Most of them were business-related, some spam, and the rest were concerns about my well-being after hearing about my weekend. I wish I could say that I'm a polite and caring person who read all of those concerned emails, but frankly, I just don't want to be reminded of anything. So I immersed myself in business instead; I'd like to say that I read those emails too, but let's face it. I didn't.

This weekend had my mind constantly whirling with thoughts and worries about what I've done, and what is to become of me. I couldn't seem to calm down. Then I realized how pathetic I was being.

The truth is, you can turn anything into something dramatic and dysfunctional if you try hard enough. You can spend your days dwelling on all the ways you've screwed up, all the ways you've been let down, and all the ways you've been wronged, but I gaurantee you that there will be no benefit what so ever from this dwelling. If you wish to dwell go right ahead, your mission to seek pity will only end up with you feeling sorry for yourself. Or... you can learn to accept the imperfections of life and move on.

So I stared Death in the face this weekend and miraculously walked away unscathed. My family and I nearly lost both of our homes, and I had to evacuate and live in some cheap motel for the weekend. So what? It happened, big deal. I'm getting over this, and I'm going to come out of this so much smarter and stronger.

Life underestimates me, and it doesn't know that I actually enjoy learning things the hard way. Ha.

Submission to Admission

I'm waiting in line. Waiting to be accepted. Waiting to be judged, and ironically accepting to be judged. The line moves forward, and I can see him. He intimidates me, my fate lies in his hands. The line shortens and before I know it I'm face-to-face with the man who determines my admission.

He does not even look at me (which I find unnerving), but simply orders, "Explain yourself."

What?

Not exactly understanding his request I tell him, "I can't describe what I'm feeling. Not to you, not to me, not to anyone."

He seems to have not taken any of this in. This man is going to be harder to impress than I thought. As I contemplate on how to get on his better side, he catches me off-guard with yet another question.

"Why did you do it?"

I have no choice but to answer, but the problem is that I don't exactly have an answer.

"I don't know what provoked me to do it. I obviously regret it, otherwise I wouldn't be here."

"Why are you here?"

"Because I don't want to be there."

He is still unimpressed. I am still not surprised. It's time to step up my game. There is a silence while he waits for something better than my pathetic response. The silence is neither awkward nor is it unnerving at this point. I know I have all the time in the world, because I have no where else to go now; and neither does he.

Surprisingly he succumbs to the silence, my assumption that it is more out of annoyance with my pettiness than impatience. He finally looks at me and says, "Ultimately everyone winds up here. Think of me as the bouncer who determines who gets to be allowed in. This is why you need to explain your story."

At this point I want in so badly, I'm willing to tell all. It's not like I have anything to lose, because I had already lost everything (my dignity being the least of them) upon coming here.

So I tell him.

"I've spent the majority of my life physically moving through each day just to flee from my own past. Every man I was ever with, I clung on to in hopes of finding some sort of new life on the other side of their passion; all the while my soul was begging for some leniency. My problem was that I was never able to slow down let alone stop. I've always wanted too much and moved too quickly. I've always blamed the men for why I was so hurt."

Here he holds up his hand to make a point. "Look back at how cautious you have been throughout your life; are you sure you haven't been inflicting this pain upon yourself?"

I'm stumped and taken aback by his statement, but I begin to see his point.

My entire life I searched for love. True, passionate love that lies far beneath the surface of image and even words. I grew afraid and confused when my feelings were ever returned. I guess it was my insecurity questioning why any man would ever go for someone like me. This is why, over time, as the men grew closer, I grew further and further away. In the end they got hurt and left, but being the inconsiderate bitch that I was, I channeled all the pain onto myself, blaming the other side for the result. I still blame the other side for the reason why I am here.

Now that it's too late to redeem myself, I ask, "Why? Why was I ever like that? Why did I always have to go and ruin something so good for myself?"

He seems to have had the answer all along.

"Underneath your over-confident persona, dashing smile, and outrageous exclamations, there are detours that can lead a person somewhere so deep inside you where you yourself are even afraid to venture to. You need to stop wanting more. Instead of constantly trying to escape, you need to learn to adapt to the predicaments you usually put yourself into."

This presents a need to defend myself.

"I don't put myself into predicaments."

"How did you end up here then?"

I thought for a second and replied, "I just couldn't take it anymore."

"So you just decided to leave? Just like that? 'poof' and you're gone?"

"Well it was more like I left with a 'bang', but I get it. I know. It was wrong, but it seemed like the only solution. I had no other alternatives. Besides, it's not like anyone cared."

He looks at me.

"You honestly do not feel that your irrational actions made an impact on anyone or anything?"

Being a man of power and high authority thus demanding a great amount of respect, I decide to agree with him only because I just want in. However, my stubborn side overcame my modesty and I replied.

"Not really. I mean they'll all get over this soon, and they barely even notice nor do they care right now."

He simply sighs and tells me, "I'm going to let you in, but first you need to go back and just observe. See for yourself whether or not anyone cares or ever cared. Go."

So I left him, and now I am here on this field.

There is not a single cloud in the sky with only a slight breeze flowing through the day. I've been here many times before, but it was never in my honor. Not once did it ever cross my mind that everyone would one day dress up to come and honor me. I take a look around, and my soul is filled with regret as I watch them all pass by me one by one; each of them placing a white rose upon my coffin and walking away with tears in their eyes.

Now I know. They did care, they still care, and they always will care.

I want to go back. I want a second chance.

Shot to Pieces

I've been running too much. Too far. Too fast.

To where? And why?

I feel like I've been running uphill through the last few weeks. Now I'm exhausted. Some might have seen me stumble and fall, but I brushed my knees off and carried on like any normal person would. When you fall face first into the concrete, I've learned that its best to let your tears sink into the pavement and then just get up and carry on. No one needs to know you got hurt. Right?

Wrong.

I'm so fake.

When it comes to talking about myself and how I feel, it's like speaking a foreign language of which my tongue can't grasp. Not can't. Won't. Talk about stubborn.

I don't know where I'm going with this. Which sucks because I've been running aimlessly for far too long and now I'm lost. I need a map. Not a compass. Fuck compasses. I don't need a damn arrow to know where north is. That's what the sun is for. I want another tangible object that would provide me with a sense of direction telling me exactly where I am and where I need to be.

I have to attend yet another conference this weekend. I'm tired of acting so blindly. I'm tired of just showing some shell. I've got fucking feelings too. I need someone to hold me together.

Or maybe I just want someone to hold me. Tight. Because otherwise I would explode.

Into a huge mess.
Guts everywhere.

So not pretty.

So hold me.

It's All Just a Title

"You need to be more stern; don't fall prey to being too nice or you'll get taken advantage of."

It was roughly two in the morning, and I had woken up in a cold sweat two hours prior completely scared shitless of what is to become of me. I spent the remainder of the time leading up to this moment tossing and turning, and doing the usual over-analyzing, and under-rationalizing. I finally couldn't take myself anymore, so I grabbed my phone and started desperately searching for someone, anyone, who would be able to identify with, and help me.

I narrowed my options down to three people. Three disappointing people being that: one was drunk, another was busy, and the last one didn't respond. Funny how they all come banging on your door for advice when you're busy as fuck, unable to help anyone let alone yourself; but when it's your turn to seek advice, everyone is suddenly missing in action or preoccupied with prior engagements.

Go figure.

Anyway, the non-responsive friend became responsive and, to be honest, I didn't expect much help from this person at all considering what they just went through. I was right you know, the majority of the conversation was essentially useless, but upon leaving I was left with that statement up there.

Don't be too nice.

Shit hit me hard. I never knew how much of a push-over I really was until this statement came and slapped me in the face. It not only slapped me, but it mocked me, and taunted me; ultimately reminding me of how much I fucked myself over. It was the most painful bitch I have dealt with by far. That statement had an underlying message that said:

Welcome back to reality Tina, scary shit's been taking place since you've been gone; what's even scarier is that this is all your fault.

I can't believe how submissive I've been with every aspect of my life. I let one failure drag me down with its unworthiness, I let people disrespect me when I should've held authority, and I let myself be lied to by someone I still care about greatly. It's all my fault. I blame no one.

I've been so sprung on being a laid back, "Do What You Want" type of girl, but everything has backfired. I'm so laid back, that I'm being walked all over. Superb. I, above all people, should know that not everyone can be trusted. Not everyone has the common sense to shut up without me having to tell them. Not everyone is kind enough to respect me, and not everyone is going to take my emotions into consideration when an opportunity far more tempting is being presented to them. Disappointingly, not everyone is as strong-minded as I perceive them to be, and not everyone genuinely cares about me.

My priorities are all out of order now. The sad part is that this has been going on since summer, which is why I'm in the shitty predicament that I'm in now. I really need to prioritize my time. School comes first, then Student Government, then everything else can come after if and only if I have time. Why couldn't I think of this before? How retarded am I to have to spend an entire sleepless night to come up with one blatant epiphany that shouldn't have had to require so much consideration?

It is now four in the morning, and my head is spinning. I just realized how wrong in every aspect this situation is. I passively waited for a change, and what I got was a lie. I cared too much, I wanted too much, I tried too hard...but not hard enough.

Well I guess this is just another lesson learned. I have figured out what I need to do, but now all I need is to find the courage to pursue this action. Let this be one of my finest moments of brilliance.

And by finest I mean, extremely illogical, utterly erratic, overwhelmingly emotional, slightly confused, more than slightly delusional, and completely drained of all tears. Yes, I felt all of that and managed not to explode. Look what you've done to me. I hope you're proud.

Extended Dreams

My most desired goal in life is to inspire at least one person and become their role model. From that I hope they can take what they've learned, make what they can of it, and pass it on. I want to be able to live forever through the through the messages I derive from the lessons I learn throughout my entire life.

I guess that means one great accomplishment just isn't gonna cut it.

I'm sure we've all had our moments of glory sometime or another in our lives. While there's no denying that those accomplishments are remarkable, there's still that question of: now what?

Whoever you were back then is gone. You might have been great or insignificant, but you still have the rest of your days to either screw up or redeem yourself. You still have the rest of your life to define yourself. College doesn't define you and high school did so even less. It's all about how you live your life everyday. You define you.

It's like that ex movie star who gets denied all the perks he/she got back in those glory days. How amusing would it be to watch those fits of rage?

"Do you know who I am? I used to be great!"

Used to be great. But what are you now?
Oh that's right, you've fallen back in line with everyone else who is still holding onto the past, because that was the only time they seem to have mattered. I'm sorry. I didn't see you there because you've become so insignificant.

I pity those who live in this illusion of a life that has long surpassed its living days. Life moves on, and so does everyone else; you can't just stay stuck in the past hoping others will join you. Everyone is evolving and becoming greater, while you grasp onto some old glory, unable to make anything better of yourself. Life is still happening, and you're still living. It sucks that one great achievement doesn't make or break who you are, but that's just how it is. It's confusing; it's painful; it's life.

Sucks doesn't it?

Welcome to the real world my friend. In this world, we live in the moment and strive for the future; but we still keep close those lessons we've learned from the past. That sounds about right. Right? We learn from the past, but we don't try to re-live it.

We've done great things, but we want to be greater.

If you've set the bar high for yourself, you need to keep living up to those standards. Don't be a One Hit Wonder.

At my funeral, I want to be remembered for all the great tasks that I accomplished up to the day I died, not just on that one great thing I did on that one day long long ago. I don't want to leave just one footprint in this world, I want to leave a path. I want to be worthy enough to be followed, and I want my philosophy to be passed on with each generation. I want to live forever. Screw leaving the single most powerful message. I'm going for a legacy.

Recovery

I don't know where I'm going to be next year. I don't know how far I'm going to be or how close, but for now I know that I do not want to be stuck in this little scenario forever. I feel like this is getting nowhere.

But maybe this getting nowhere is exactly where I need to be. I don't even know what I want anymore. I do, however, know that you shouldn't let your past failed experiences determine what's going to happen this time. What's the harm in trying?

Hurt people hurt people. That's a fact.

Achieving the Unachievable

My days have become occupied with an onslaught of impertinent tasks that I feel will better me in no way at all. It seems to be a huge challenge for me to drag my caffeine-induced body from one point to the next without collapsing on the way. I find myself mindlessly scheduling in more than I can handle, ultimately making myself late to every next class, unable to make that meeting on time, or forgetting to see that friend that I promised to catch up with. Never before have I felt so confined and so completely drained of energy.

It sucks to grow up. Responsibility is a bitch. I still have an inbox full of emails that I have yet to answer. My parents think I'm never home enough, my friends think I never see them enough, my professors think I don't participate enough, and my dog thinks I don't love him enough.

I'm torn between all these obligations to please the world.

In the end, the most unhappy individual is me, and what eats me up is that I can't seem to find a single solution to any of my problems.

What I've Learned So Far

- Grudges, anger and complaints take you nowhere, so don't waste your time.
- Lying is a tendency, don't trust those that carry out even one.
- Everyone has a story, everyone. Get to know them first (really well) then talk all the shit you want.
- But keep in mind shit talking betters no one. Not them. Not yourself, not God. So save your breath, and instead teach the person a thing or two.
- Communication is is the key to a good relationship. Use it, and doors will be opened to greater opportunities, forget about it, and tension will lock you out.
- Time heals all broken hearts. Thanks for the lessons learned.
- Chasing wears you out. Don't do it. Ever. The one you're after is running in the other direction for a reason. 
- Pursuing is different. 
- Things end for a reason.
- Everyone is here to teach you something. Appreciate all.
- Stupidity is contagious, don't let it get to you.

I'm going on for too long. Let's just say that I've got a grip of lessons that I learned from this passed year. I've fallen on my ass, fallen on my face, fallen in love, and fallen for someone else. I've been beaten, broken, picked up, and healed. One thing's for sure is that help is always there when you need it the most. Always. It just depends on if you are humble enough to ask for it. I've shed my fair share of tears, and through it all, I am proud to say that it was all a good experience. So no hard feelings, I'm so much stronger and smarter, and the best part is, I get to share my advice with everyone who needs it.

As for my summer, it is coming along beautifully. It started off with my a surprise party thrown for me by my amazing friends. It ended with an unexpected guest who has stuck with me since. Best birthday party, best birthday gift, and best friends. I had the best time. haha BEST. I'm lovin' this whole flying solo thing, it's a lot of fun, but I don't know how much longer it's going to last. Cause I'm on a fucking good one. British Columbia is beautiful, but tomorrow I will be sleepless in Seattle. 

Life in the Mirror

I've got a grip of lessons that I learned from this past year. I've fallen on my ass, fallen on my face, fallen in (and out of) love, and fallen for another. I've been beaten, broken, tested, thrown aside, picked up, and healed. I discovered that help is always there when you need it the most. Always. It just depends on if you are humble enough to ask for it. I've shed my fair share of tears, shed off another year of my life, and got rid of all hurtful emotions.

I am proud to honestly say that it was all a good experience. So no hard feelings, I'm so much stronger, smarter, and more equipped for what's out there, and the best part is, I get to share my advice with everyone who needs it.

- Holding a grudge is like carrying bricks instead of books in your backpack. You just end up wasting your time with a useless burden on your shoulders.

- Anger is a pointless emotion. Before getting angry at someone, ask yourself: Will this better me, my situation or the other person in anyway? If you answer no to any of the questions, keep your temper damnit.

- Complaining gets you nowhere, and it annoys the shit out of those who have to listen to you. Shut up, get off your ass, and get yourself what you want.

- Everyone has a story, everyone. You don't know what they've been through, so adding a negative light into their life is not going to make matters better. Get to know them first (really well) then talk all the shit you want.

- But keep in mind shit talking betters no one. Not them. Not yourself, not your dog. So save your breath, and instead teach the person a thing or two if you disagree with their principles so much.

- Communication is is the key to any good relationship. Use it, and doors will be opened to greater opportunities, lose it, and tension will lock you out.

- Chasing wears you out. Don't do it. Ever. The one you're after is running in the other direction for a reason. Also, "Things end for a reason." (wise words from Aylin's sister).

- Everyone is here to teach you something. Appreciate all. On the contrary stupidity is contagious, don't let it get to you. Just love!

Sorry, I'm not preaching, just sharing what I have personally learned. Summer nights leave me pensive. So does reading for hours on end. I'm so ready for Poli Sci though, I want the test to open soon. Bring it bitch.

I have to wake up at 6:30 am to catch a ferry that would take me back to Seattle, Washington, and I also have that test to take. However it's not the test that's keeping me up, but rather the thought of having to wake up at the crack of dawn. Irony amuses me. Goodbye Victoria, you were such a beautiful city. Seattle here I come! I am happy to say that my trip is in descending mode. Halfway done, and I'm headed back home! Yaaaayyy, good...night/morning! 0=)

Wow.

So today was the ASG retreat. It made me realize how extremely busy I'm going to be from now until June.

 

I was planning everything out as far as May and June and it made me extremely sad, thinking about all the people that wouldn't be coming back next year. However, now is not the time to be sad over that. Now is the time to just state that I might end up hospitalized because of how effing booked I am.

 

Oh well. =)

Democratic Rally

I know this is long, but I promise you, it's worth reading. Cause I had an amazing day, and I NEVER blog about the events of my day.

First off...

I know, I know. I should've stayed home tonight. I'm so bad at sticking with promises to myself. I haven't written anything in like four days. Well three. But the point is I should've stayed home today. Too bad I went to LA for the DEMOCRATIC RALLY AND DEBATE!!!!

Of course the rally was extremely fun; one of the best and most memorable experiences of my life. We got the crowd so riled up, and we even started some chants. It was so fun. Then the debate came on and everyone watched it on a huge screen outside; it was a little cold, but looking back, I absolutely loved the experience. I will post up pictures when Asha posts them.

We left a little early to avoid the traffic and mob, and we got stopped by two guys from CNN and we were asked to answer some questions about being new voters. It was not a partisan interview at all, yet people started crowding around and yelling "HILLARY HILLARY HILLARY" and "OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA" good thing my interview was first, before the people started coming out. Stupid annoying people I swear. 

Anyway, I loved seeing the Hollywood sign on the hills, and walking down the Walk of Fame, and after studying about the first film stars and seeing them everywhere, it just made everything so much more beautiful. No really. The very first great actors and actresses of Hollywood. So amazing. That was all great, and then came the drive back to Orange County. Of course with Aylin's lack of direction we ended up in K-Town when we were supposed to be on the 101.

Being lost in LA was actually a fun experience. The frustration, and no joke, almost getting into a huge four car collision, was really a lot to laugh about. Then we got back to the Obama Headquarters in Santa Ana, and got some dinner. The boys were dropped off at the headquarters and Aylin, Asha, and I went to get dinner with just us girls.

I really had so much fun today. Girl Talk is always good, and food is always the best. I'm extremely tired now. I have a programming meeting tomorrow, then I'm going straight home again, cause I really need to be at home more often. Especially since I'm gonna be out this whole weekend. Yaayyy, I love Obama!!!! I love my shirts, I love my posters, and I wish we could've shopped in that beautiful Kodak Theatre mall. Oh well.

So basically, today was an amazing day. =) I lost my voice, I hurt my feet, I might be sick, and I love my friends. <3