Quizzical

Which scenario is the least redeemable for any form of intelligence?

a.) Very good to leave your lights on when you go to work; then to find out, when you're off at midnight, that you have to be stranded in the parking lot for half an hour.

b.) Even better to fall asleep at the wheel today during Rush Hour on the 91 freeway.

c.) Not to mention spending vital time searching for my keys only to find out I left them in my ignition.

d.) All of the above is unforgivingly moronic, and I need to be permanently removed from the road.

Stay tuned for an inevitable sequel on how my car will most likely stop in the middle of the road due to the fact that I have been driving around with my gas light on, reminding me that my gas tank is EMPTY.

Until next time, buckle your seat belts, cause I'm riding the gnarliest emotional rollercoaster with all these major mood swings I've been having.

I love being a girl.

180

I just woke up to the biggest panic attack.

Why the fuck do I lack so much motivation? I feel like time is running out and I don't have any reason to regain any sort of motivation or orginization.

But I have to. And I can. I will. Right?

Time is my biggest enemy in every aspect of my life right now; but the more I stand still and feel sorry for myself, the faster life will pass me by.

I need to get a grip. I'm desperately trying to grasp onto anything that will keep me sane right now, but every chance of orginization just slips away from me. WHAT is wrong with me?

So let's get something straight: I'm emotionally unstable. This emotional rollercoaster is, by far, the most unenjoyable ride I've ever been on in my life.

I blame the pill...or PMS.

Either way, a lesson has been learned: the pill combined with PMS is the bane of every woman on her road to success.

I feel better.

I think tomorrow, after bio, I'm going to sit down at my white board and figure my life out.

I can do this. HA!

I have successfully defeated my hormones. Really? So I screwed up, my job entails a lot of responsibilities, thus presenting a litany of mistakes that can be made. Should I have made them? No. But I did. And I'm learning. I am.

If I were perfect, I would be boring. I'm nineteen years old...I'm NINETEEN. Give me a break. I need to give myself a break seeing as no one else will. Nineteen. Geez Tina, relax. When I look back on my life, I don't want to see some loser who stressed over being student government president at some community college, I want to see a girl who took on a huge role, and came out of it a fucking genius.

Criticize me, I don't care; you're only making me stronger. You can throw empty criticism at me thinking I won't learn from my mistakes, but your lack of faith in me will only motivate me further. WOW, another thing I realized, I'm important enough to be on someone's mind and have them form endless opinions about me. I just realized: I'm pretty important. Okay...what now?

Time to live up to the perceptions...or defeat them.

I need to stop beating myself down. I will climb out of this hole I dug for myself. This is why I haven't really been crying to anybody. When everything is your fault, who can you blame but yourself? Crying in front of someone may be cathartic, but it also puts a burden on them. No one wants extra burdens. I've been keeping to myself and rightfully so; I got myself into this fucked up mess, and I WILL get myself out.

I don't care if I sound redundant in this entry. I need to. Plus this isn't for you, this was all for me. I'm the one who woke up in a cold sweat in the middle of a dream...about being in bio class. I guess that could have been interrupted.

Wow. Ok. I can do this.

Erase and Rewind

"You know what's wrong with you, Miss Whoever-you-are? You're chicken, you've got no guts. You're afraid to stick out your chin and say, "Okay, life's a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness." You call yourself a free spirit, a "wild thing," and you're terrified somebody's gonna stick you in a cage. Well baby, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it's not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somali-land. It's wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself."

I want to say I'm sorry, but I'm not sure if I'm the one at fault. I feel so tied down yet so extremely alleviated. I'm trying to weigh out which emotion is deeper. It's the only way to determine whether or not I would turn around.

But I hate U-turns. But I believe in second chances.

I'm so contradicting. I give myself a headache...but that could also be my sinuses.

I need to move to New York.

It's All Just a Title

"You need to be more stern; don't fall prey to being too nice or you'll get taken advantage of."

It was roughly two in the morning, and I had woken up in a cold sweat two hours prior completely scared shitless of what is to become of me. I spent the remainder of the time leading up to this moment tossing and turning, and doing the usual over-analyzing, and under-rationalizing. I finally couldn't take myself anymore, so I grabbed my phone and started desperately searching for someone, anyone, who would be able to identify with, and help me.

I narrowed my options down to three people. Three disappointing people being that: one was drunk, another was busy, and the last one didn't respond. Funny how they all come banging on your door for advice when you're busy as fuck, unable to help anyone let alone yourself; but when it's your turn to seek advice, everyone is suddenly missing in action or preoccupied with prior engagements.

Go figure.

Anyway, the non-responsive friend became responsive and, to be honest, I didn't expect much help from this person at all considering what they just went through. I was right you know, the majority of the conversation was essentially useless, but upon leaving I was left with that statement up there.

Don't be too nice.

Shit hit me hard. I never knew how much of a push-over I really was until this statement came and slapped me in the face. It not only slapped me, but it mocked me, and taunted me; ultimately reminding me of how much I fucked myself over. It was the most painful bitch I have dealt with by far. That statement had an underlying message that said:

Welcome back to reality Tina, scary shit's been taking place since you've been gone; what's even scarier is that this is all your fault.

I can't believe how submissive I've been with every aspect of my life. I let one failure drag me down with its unworthiness, I let people disrespect me when I should've held authority, and I let myself be lied to by someone I still care about greatly. It's all my fault. I blame no one.

I've been so sprung on being a laid back, "Do What You Want" type of girl, but everything has backfired. I'm so laid back, that I'm being walked all over. Superb. I, above all people, should know that not everyone can be trusted. Not everyone has the common sense to shut up without me having to tell them. Not everyone is kind enough to respect me, and not everyone is going to take my emotions into consideration when an opportunity far more tempting is being presented to them. Disappointingly, not everyone is as strong-minded as I perceive them to be, and not everyone genuinely cares about me.

My priorities are all out of order now. The sad part is that this has been going on since summer, which is why I'm in the shitty predicament that I'm in now. I really need to prioritize my time. School comes first, then Student Government, then everything else can come after if and only if I have time. Why couldn't I think of this before? How retarded am I to have to spend an entire sleepless night to come up with one blatant epiphany that shouldn't have had to require so much consideration?

It is now four in the morning, and my head is spinning. I just realized how wrong in every aspect this situation is. I passively waited for a change, and what I got was a lie. I cared too much, I wanted too much, I tried too hard...but not hard enough.

Well I guess this is just another lesson learned. I have figured out what I need to do, but now all I need is to find the courage to pursue this action. Let this be one of my finest moments of brilliance.

And by finest I mean, extremely illogical, utterly erratic, overwhelmingly emotional, slightly confused, more than slightly delusional, and completely drained of all tears. Yes, I felt all of that and managed not to explode. Look what you've done to me. I hope you're proud.

The Inconsistancy of Change

If I were to step out of my body and observe myself from a different perspective I would imagine feeling dumbfounded at how someone can possibly go from sane to paranoid, then finally to borderline depressed. The last one might have been a bit stretched, but it was a good way of implying how crazy and absurd I've been acting. Over the time span of three days starting from Tuesday night, I have some how managed to peak the scale of mellow dramatic. That being said, I find it necessary to blog out all the nonsense that I've been feeling, in hopes of justifying my ludicrous actions. The next hour or so will be dedicated to the distressed conveyance of my fears, actions, and downright obscenity.

Somehow, during my most erratic hours, I managed to indulge in three mugs of French vanilla coffee and enough cookies to feed a small third world country. It's embarrassing, even to myself, to realize how miserable I am about the ever-increasing status of my weight; yet I never cease to think about food, especially when I'm feeling like I'm at the lowest point in my life. I risked my life and body to take my dog on a walk at three in the morning to a park where, to date, two gun fights, one murder, three rapes and countless skinned knees (to say the least) have occurred. I don't know how I got back alive and unharmed. I probably was suffering from a severe case of hysteria and in reality did lead myself into danger but traumatized myself so much that I ended up with amnesia, thus causing me to forget the events taking place from when I stepped out of my house to when I finally settled back into bed. My thought now is: if only that could happen for the events of the last six months.

I know change is inevitable. I just wish that I were a lot more open to new things. When I say "open" I really mean I wish that I were a lot braver to face and adjust to new things. Is it asking to much that I simply want to stay in the state that makes me happy and comfortable? Why does change have to be so scary? Yes I understand that change can sometimes be fun. I wouldn't argue with that. New clothes, new hair, new food, new CAR??? All completely good examples of change...and also all completely obtainable with money. I guess what I'm really afraid of is those priceless, unpredictable, and life-affecting changes.

I have certain fears, one of them being change and the other, sadness. What I'm guessing is that I'm afraid of change because it might lead to sadness. However, if I don't take the leap of faith, how will I ever know? I might never reach complete satisfaction if I refuse to move on. I think it's time to take into consideration what's good for me, and what is just completely a waste of my time. I should trust in faith, the problem is, sometimes it's a bit difficult to rely on such an intangible source. I need to be strong. I need to grow a pair of balls and finally rip off that damn band aid. So my wounds will be exposed, so what? Wounds heal, but time can never be replaced. I should take as much as I can from this and move on. I should do that, but I don't want to.

What I want to do is go running into my mom's skirt, crying and begging for her to take me away from all of this. I would love to get away. Maybe once I'm away from all the chaos, I would finally be able to get my life back in order, because to be honest, I'm scared. No, I'm terrified. What if there isn't anything better out there for me? What if I've been wasting my time on nothing? What if I'm LOST??? I tried seeking help. It pains me that my mom is unable to help me these days with my problems, but I understand that everyone has their own problems to deal with (some more important than others). I did spend some quality time with a good friend over coffee (or whatever that water-based decaffeinated shit was) and, of course, cookies. However, I didn't feel comforted so much as I was the one who did the comforting, so I sought the help of two old friends both of whom I was once very close with. The problem was one of them was busy and the other was of no help whatsoever. Which made me realize how over the past six months, I have become so engulfed in my new life, that I have completely forgotten that my old friends have feelings too, and they still care about me...Well at least they did until I decided to become to busy for them.

I should try taking a step back. I now realize that I have been too self-absorbed with myself that I have forgotten the effect I have on others. Looking back over the past three days I have indeed become a little less sensible and a lot more irrational. Although the feelings I felt were legitimate, the actions I took were far from that. I should try considering the fact that I will never be able to grow if I refuse to accept change and pain. Shit happens, and I just have to deal with it. The problem is, I'm loving this chapter of my life too much and I don't want to turn the page.

A Sudden Dip in the Road

I know I've been bragging about how wonderful my life has been and really it has, but now I think everyone would be a little pleased to know that I'm fucking down. It might be the fact that I'm premenstrual, or that I haven't seen anyone I remotely care for this entire weekend (besides my parents), whatever the reason is, I'm going to take it and run with it. I'm going to use it as an excuse as to why I'm sounding like a submissive bitch who can't say shit for herself.

I mean what the fuck right?
"What's wrong Tina I feel like something's wrong that you're not telling me about."
"......anyway....."
That was my response.

I mean right? That was my fucking RESPONSE. Out of all the years of being top of my class of any writing course I ever took, after selecting journalism as my major and excelling with that, all I was able to articulate was THAT.

Here I am telling others that they need to work on opening up. I admit, I'm a hypocrite and I should stop this madness before I make anyone else feel uncomfortable.

I always thought I was basically an open book laid out for anyone who was interested enough to take the time to read me. Most of the time all I got were nosy bitches who were just bored of their life and needed to leech off of mine in hopes of creating any kind of spark in their sad little lives. Anyway I guess lately I've just been unable to put a finger on how I was feeling exactly. I'm not unhappy at all, but I guess I do feel a little off. Especially right now, I'm walking around in the supermarket and my boots are of uneven sizes. My left foot is slowly losing the cirrculation in its toes. Yeah only I would be so excited about buying boots to not realize that one is a size 8 and the other is a size 7 1/2. ......ANYWAY.....

Ok so you want to know about me? Fine I'll grant you bitches your sad little wishes, but this is going to be about the only time that I am going to comply to any of your meddling wishes.

I hate being bored and unproductive and that was exactly how my weekend was. I don't know why I make promises and arrangments to people I couldn't care less about and would like to hang out with even less than how much I care for them (that wasn't supposed to make sense so please don't beat yourself up trying to get your head around it). I let down way too many people including myself. I know I used to be confident at some point in my life but as far as I can remember I've always been insecure. That wasn't supposed to make sense either. Anyway it's pretty true though, I mean I almost always get what I want. I say almost because I don't want to make a false generalization about my achievments but so far I can't remember a time when I was denied something I truly wanted. Yes I am blessed and yes I would be ridiculous if I were to stand here in this godforsaken Vietnemese Supermarket and complain about the things I don't have and at the same time don't need.

I need to shut up with this whining or whatever the hell it is that I'm doing. One thing is for sure: I'm holding up traffic with the shopping carts. If shopping carts had horns there would be a cacophony of honking right now on the seafod section. Of course there's nothing wrong with being captivated by dead cut-up fish.

I mean.........right?
Fucking fish.

I don't know why I'm feeling so insecure right now. Let's be blunt here: I feel like shit. I feel vulnerable. I feel like I don't want to face the world because I'm afraid of how situations would turn out. I feel paranoid. I feel like my dad. I feel like venting which is exactly what I've been doing for the past half hour or so or more I don't know. I feel like I need to release all of my negative emotions and I feel like I've done exactly that. I feel better.

As a result of my aimless blogging, I am finally able to put a finger on what's bothering me. I miss my boyfriend and the thought of being away from him for a four-day-weekend is almost unbearable. I miss him. Come home now. I know. I'm pathetic. So shoot me.

Please don't. I love my life and I don't want it to end just yet. Kthanks.

I would like to close out with a message to a certain someone. Don't tell me what it takes to be a girlfriend. Sure you've experienced the entire female population minus me, but that does not make you an expert. It makes you a slut. A man slut. So get over yourself. And with that I leave you with your thoughts for I have successfully released my own.