Too Much Food for Thought

Today, I realized why men aren't as expressive as women. They lack that monthly mood swing when most women spend it over-eating, and over analyzing anything and everything. It makes me wonder: are men indeed less in touch with their feelings because they don't go through a monthly week-long emotional epiphany; or, are women just over-emotional because mother nature felt it was necessary to cloud us with depression once every month?

I may never know the answer, but at least I found a cool quote today. It's from my favorite Sex and the City episode entitled "The Real Me". I really wish I watched this episode during this past year, when I felt like I was digging myself into a professional and academic shit hole. I guess it's appropriate that I dug this up after getting myself back on track.

"I had a choice. I could slink off the runway and let my inner model die of shame…or I could pick myself up, flaws and all, and finish. And that’s just what I did; because when real people fall down in life, they get right back up and keep on walking." -Carrie Bradshaw (Sex and the City)

Good to know that I'm still walking...hopefully in the right direction.

All My Men

A couple weeks ago, I went to the U.S. Open in Huntington Beach. Basically, it was an excuse for all of Orange County to congregate in one spot (with clothing optional) to watch national surfers take on the waves. Back home in the Hills, my name was brought up at a party.

A boy hosts a party in hopes of gaining approval from many people he had long since dumped as friends upon leaving high school because he thought he was too good. He takes a break, and walks outside to the sidewalk to talk with his friend. As he is outside, another boy approaches the party. Upon recognizing that this newcomer is someone he does not want at his house, he pulls and fake smile and musters up all the courage he has to be fake.

Too afraid to kick him out, Boy One says, "Hey! You're Tina's ex-boyfriend!"

Boy Two is taken aback, and he hesitates then replies, "Hey! You're Tina's ex-boyfriend!"

Apparently Boy One's plan to intimidate Boy Two backfired, and the two of them had to deal with the awkward competition the entire night.

So I've come to a conclusion as to why Boy One has been so horrible to me all year. He was angry that I moved on. Apparently, when two people break up, no one is allowed to move on. I never knew of this rule, but I'm glad I finally heard of it. Now I can finally decipher the trivial mind of Boy One and his immature reasoning.

Anyway, that awkward little conversation is proof that I am doomed to live a life that is haunted by my Ghosts of Love's Past. Seeing as it is impossible that I simply stop dating, and also that my other option to quarantine all of my past lovers in some desolate place will probably never work out, my only option is to move away from all my men.

I'm thinking, Seattle or Manhattan.

Dating with Caution

I was just thinking about my last relationship and how much I lacked intimacy with him.

Come to think of it, I was barely intimate with either relationship that I held this year.

It took me a while to figure out what my inhibition was until recently when my heart was broken all over again. I should have taken some time off from the dating scene, like I told myself I would do this past year. I knew with the first one, that this guy was just a cover-up for my pain. The second came out of pure lust, confusion, and general admiration. I guess I was also trying to cover the pain of letting go of the first one. After things completely ended with the second one, I realized how much it didn't hurt.

I wasn't perfectly fine this time around. I hate losing valuable ties with people I truly admire, but at least I was able to wake up and get out of bed. It wasn't until I ran onto The One and Only Heartbreak, that I realized every man I dated or hooked up with this year was a tool I used to cover up my pain. Now, after feeling all that old pain again (accumulated with everything I fucked up this year), I really never want to date anyone again for a long time.

Maybe I'm not as strong as I thought I was. Maybe I really am afraid of the pain. Maybe I'm just afraid of love.

It really baffles me how something can feel so amazing, yet cause you so much pain when it leaves you. I never knew how fragile I was until I realized, after being shattered to pieces yet again, that I really will never be able to fall out of love with him...no matter how far I move away.

It's Not Me; It's You.

I don't know why I never completely severed ties with the guy from Spring Break. I guess I never tried. When I say "never tried", I mean I never tried to get rid of him, but I also never tried to keep him around either. His points were too low for me to put in an effort of any sort.

I'm not quite sure if that last sentence made any sense, but in a nutshell, I never bothered to call him to hang out, and sometimes we had our mishaps, but he always ended up calling me. I guess this just goes to show that I really don't want to settle down yet. The two years in age difference might be part of the reason why he's so persistent in pursuing me, but since I'm still young and trying to get my priorities in order, I see no rush in trying to settle down.

Anyway, the other night he got annoyed that I wrote some sarcastic comment on one of his pictures uploaded to facebook. Granted he was drunk, I still thought he was being too absurd for my liking. I held my phone away from my ear because the cacophony of his yelling was rather unpleasant, and I wasn't in any mood to have my night be ruined. I was barely listening, the entire time he was bickering I was thinking to myself, "This guy is yelling at me about facebook."

I threw his words back in his mouth by telling him to "Get off my nuts." His response?

"Don't ever call me again; I'm not going to call you. It was nice knowing you, you lesbian, bull-dog dyke."

Alright guy. Sorry for never putting out for you, I guess that constitutes me being a homosexual bitch. Right on.

He called me last night when I was in line at the club, but I had my friend pick up. He ended up hanging up on her. Today he called again.

"Hey, I think I overreacted the other night." Oh yeah? I agree.

"I just wanted to apologize."

This is all too easy.

P.S. He called me when I when I was listening to Lily Allen's "Alright Still" album. The irony is that the songs on this album are filled with lyrics that morph together and scream one general message to men: "Fuck off."

Hit or Quit?

After my most recent hit and miss with possibly the biggest loser I could ever hook up with, I am starting to feel a sense of power with every man I dispose of. It's almost addicting; with every "I can't put up with your shit" and "I don't have time for you" I feel as if I am only elevating my already heightened ego. Am I becoming heartless? I know thing for sure: I'm losing every sort of muse I ever had.

That was probably the worst statement I could ever utter. Clearly I am only inspired by my encounters with men. I refuse to be governed by any mishaps I may ever have with the Y chromosome.

Well what did I accomplish this Spring Break? I managed to get drunk beyond recollection, and hook up with some guy that I foolishly saw some potential with. At the time he was definitely just some guy. I was hesitant to reciprocate his feelings toward me because I was just grasping the concept of being single again. It wasn't until she came into the picture did I want anything to do with him.

Is that what it takes?

It takes someone else to want the person lusting after me before I get any affirmation that he's worth it? I never gave in, but she did. Not only did she give in, she begged, groveled, kissed ass, and sucked...up. Her annoying laugh at everything he said was more than I could handle.

So I'm sarcastic. I'm a smart-ass. My over-confident self believed that he still wanted me despite his drunken mistake with some bleach blond whale (I'm thoroughly convinced that she was once a nice girl, but that Peroxide can do some serious damage to the mind). I knew that his feelings for me were real, and that I'm way better than that pathetic girl. I expected him to call me, but what I didn't expect was for him to call me the next day. It's frightening, the amount of credit I give myself. I'm either irresistible, or he's a sleaze.

This is quite the predicament to ponder.

Considerations

After a night of intense studying, hot showers, tequila shots, and (of course) many cigarettes, I am finally in bed with my dog anticipating tomorrow and contemplating tonight.

Another friend of mine has been trying to introduce me to her dear friend with facial hair. My question is: why does the whole world feel so compelled to set me up with someone now that I'm newly single?

In any case, Face Fur was adorable. A smart right brainer with a nice smile. He seems very thoughtful and considerate. Good deal right?

He's taken.

Amputee

I hate it for hopping into my life with its one God forsaken leg and ruining a perfectly good friendship. Everything was going well until it decided it needs to match up with its superior. Fuck it for being subordinate and mutated. So what if it feels the need to belong somewhere? It's nothing but a one-legged little shit that will never cease to get in the way of me and any form of happiness.

God damn the Y chromosome.

Romantic Bromance

Sometime ago, back in late November, I was catering a dinner party for my friend and his extended (to say the least) family. Friend also invited a couple of his buddies to attend, and one of them decided to take an interest in me (fantastic). So, Friend was told to invite me out whenever he and his buddy were hanging out, and tonight was supposed to be one of those nights.

Friend invited me out to a club, with the explanation above about Buddy. I don't remember anyone in particular from that party so I asked, "Is he cute?"

He responded, "Well, I'll tell you this, he is only two positions below a CEO, but even so he is still very rich."

Translation: "No, he's not, but I'm hoping his wealth would compensate for any first impressions you may have of his appearance."

Fantastic, I've been pimped out to Donald Trump.

Buddy is very lucky to have a friend like Friend; unfortunately, he also happens to be "a bit older". This means we would have little to nothing in common which ultimately leads to a very awkward (yet, probably, very expensive) dinner. Plus, any man who can't approach me himself is already on the road to elimination. I'm sure he's a nice guy; I just think he deserves someone more...his type (and by "type" I mean "age").

I thank Friend for trying.

Get Over Me

I have been so preoccupied with everything else around me, that I have forgotten to care about men.

In a nutshell: I'm too busy to care, and now some of us have become ostentatious with our barely-there "love lives" (I could elaborate for days on all the aspects of why I used "barely-there", but that would just be mean). Of course all the ugliness comes out during a seemingly excusable drunken stupor...I love spiteful conversations triggered by excessive drinking. It's like he's been holding in all of his bitterness for a good two months and finally decided to let it all out in one crude and obnoxious burp. It sounded like:

"I'm going to talk about how I'm seeing someone right now even though I'm not really sure if I am and I have a million fucking problems and I don't know how to deal with them so I'm just going to express them onto you and make you feel like shit like how I elaborate on how I miss her and she's so smart and I know that intelligence is something you greatly value so I'm going to go ahead and talk about that just to make you feel even more like shit because you left me hanging so I just wanted to make sure I get the last word no matter how immature I come accross as."

Lovely. It smelled like: bull shit.

You are not excused.

P.S. I am the most attractive girl he has ever dated.

Past Loves and Past Lives

I was fourteen years old and he was sixteen. He left for college, and I started seeing other people. I thought I would never be able to get over him...

I was right.

Seeing him today brought back a wave of memories and feelings that overwhelmed me into submission. Our brief encounter triggered something in the back of my mind. I couldn't place a finger on what it was until now. I remembered that I wrote this about him at the age of sixteen when he went away for college. It took me forever to find it...

He approached her and said,"I think you're gorgeous." Never before had she ever felt so weakened by a mere compliment. They always brush over her head like the cool summer breeze. With him, it was pure innocent bliss. Her memories with him were filled with warmth and sunlight even on the dullest days, but that's all that they are now. Just memories, memories that she knows she will never be able to relive.

The images of their time spent together jostled with each other, and she tried to stop them, but she couldn't. His smile, she knew, would always remain the same, as a legacy of his adolescence.

She let him go. "Why did I do it?", she asked herself. She still to this day is unable to find a reason for her acts. She relives her days with him every waking moment until Reality steps in and every word out of his mouth is like a slap in her face; word bullets that tore into the brain and exploded, obliterating memories. Reality is cruel and careless but when things get crucial, all of the sudden it turns apologetic and mollifying. There is no turning back. Even if she could, she shouldn't for fear that she would have to suffer unbearable consequences. But would it be worth it?

Regret flows through her veins as if it is her own blood; through her body, to her heart where anger beats along with confusion. The only thoughts that flow through her mind are useless and they taunt her. She is goaded by her thoughts to be rash, but she takes a look at Reality, and thinks better of it.

"If only I showed more affection; if only I were simply blatant; if only I weren't so shy; if only I hadn't let him go....." She reminds herself that if she keeps looking back she will soon run into a wall of confrontation. "If only" Seemed to be the words of her life.

I know right? Even back then I seemed to have serious issues with men.

I don't know what happened today. It was, seriously, all a blur. My heart was beating out of control, and my thoughts jumbled up into a clutter of excitement. My words were probably far from comprehensible, and that was when I realized...

When the waves of your past come crashing into you, all you can really do is: breathe.

Associated Student Government

I MADE IT!!!! I'm sad that the people lost my application even though it was one of the first to be submitted. Anyway the deadline for ASG interviews were yesterday at noon but my lovely friends pulled some strings for me OH HOW I LOVE THEM. Too bad all the Senator positions were already decided yesterday but I'm happy that I got the position of Associate Justice. Good start right? I'm excited for the Chancellor's Ball on Octover 12th. Yaayy! Pretty dresses hehehe. So today was a great day because after my interview this morning I felt great because I knew that it went well. Then getting the call that I was able to attend the meeting just boosted up my second class then actually hearing my name be called at the meeting was amazing.

And on top of that the hot life gaurd talked to me today at swim. I showed up late because the ASG meeting didn't end until like five and I stuck around to solve a riddle haha. Anyway, swim practice started at 5 I showed up at 6. BUT he TALKED to me! eeeeeek!

"Fashionably late?"
"I had a meeting!"
"Suuurre..."

OH I'M IN LOVE! So ok he only said three words to me but those three words can be the foundation to something beautiful. Beautiful...like his face. AKDSHKLHADFL