All My Men

A couple weeks ago, I went to the U.S. Open in Huntington Beach. Basically, it was an excuse for all of Orange County to congregate in one spot (with clothing optional) to watch national surfers take on the waves. Back home in the Hills, my name was brought up at a party.

A boy hosts a party in hopes of gaining approval from many people he had long since dumped as friends upon leaving high school because he thought he was too good. He takes a break, and walks outside to the sidewalk to talk with his friend. As he is outside, another boy approaches the party. Upon recognizing that this newcomer is someone he does not want at his house, he pulls and fake smile and musters up all the courage he has to be fake.

Too afraid to kick him out, Boy One says, "Hey! You're Tina's ex-boyfriend!"

Boy Two is taken aback, and he hesitates then replies, "Hey! You're Tina's ex-boyfriend!"

Apparently Boy One's plan to intimidate Boy Two backfired, and the two of them had to deal with the awkward competition the entire night.

So I've come to a conclusion as to why Boy One has been so horrible to me all year. He was angry that I moved on. Apparently, when two people break up, no one is allowed to move on. I never knew of this rule, but I'm glad I finally heard of it. Now I can finally decipher the trivial mind of Boy One and his immature reasoning.

Anyway, that awkward little conversation is proof that I am doomed to live a life that is haunted by my Ghosts of Love's Past. Seeing as it is impossible that I simply stop dating, and also that my other option to quarantine all of my past lovers in some desolate place will probably never work out, my only option is to move away from all my men.

I'm thinking, Seattle or Manhattan.

Mean Girl

After reluctantly leaving early from the very interesting Board of Trustees meeting to petition for my English 102 class, I was put on blast by the professor and shunned from my class. He said he would email me "in a couple" days about whether I could add his class. Great, so I left a vital meeting early to be turned away from a class that is crucial to my major. Turns out, I was actually enrolled in the class; as I was walking down the hall, he had a student call me back and apologize on his behalf. How noble.

Towards the end of class he told us to write about a song, movie, or poem that we view as valuable literature. "...anything is fine, except for something like Britney Spears' 'Oops, I Did it Again'. Just pick something meaningful, write about a page about it, and after that you may leave."

I opted to challange myself and write about a song that I have recently connected with. I find this song very easy to relate to because it is about a girl that always puts herself in a rut by leading men on. Since I live a life in which a platonic relationship with a straight male is nearly impossible, this song holds a lot of meaning to me.

After writing a kickass paper, I tore it out of my notebook, walked up to the front of the class and shoved it in the tool's face. I walked away laughing.

The title of my paper was: "Literary Judgement: 'Oops, I Did it Again' by Britney Spears"

It's Not Me; It's You.

I don't know why I never completely severed ties with the guy from Spring Break. I guess I never tried. When I say "never tried", I mean I never tried to get rid of him, but I also never tried to keep him around either. His points were too low for me to put in an effort of any sort.

I'm not quite sure if that last sentence made any sense, but in a nutshell, I never bothered to call him to hang out, and sometimes we had our mishaps, but he always ended up calling me. I guess this just goes to show that I really don't want to settle down yet. The two years in age difference might be part of the reason why he's so persistent in pursuing me, but since I'm still young and trying to get my priorities in order, I see no rush in trying to settle down.

Anyway, the other night he got annoyed that I wrote some sarcastic comment on one of his pictures uploaded to facebook. Granted he was drunk, I still thought he was being too absurd for my liking. I held my phone away from my ear because the cacophony of his yelling was rather unpleasant, and I wasn't in any mood to have my night be ruined. I was barely listening, the entire time he was bickering I was thinking to myself, "This guy is yelling at me about facebook."

I threw his words back in his mouth by telling him to "Get off my nuts." His response?

"Don't ever call me again; I'm not going to call you. It was nice knowing you, you lesbian, bull-dog dyke."

Alright guy. Sorry for never putting out for you, I guess that constitutes me being a homosexual bitch. Right on.

He called me last night when I was in line at the club, but I had my friend pick up. He ended up hanging up on her. Today he called again.

"Hey, I think I overreacted the other night." Oh yeah? I agree.

"I just wanted to apologize."

This is all too easy.

P.S. He called me when I when I was listening to Lily Allen's "Alright Still" album. The irony is that the songs on this album are filled with lyrics that morph together and scream one general message to men: "Fuck off."

Get Over Me

I have been so preoccupied with everything else around me, that I have forgotten to care about men.

In a nutshell: I'm too busy to care, and now some of us have become ostentatious with our barely-there "love lives" (I could elaborate for days on all the aspects of why I used "barely-there", but that would just be mean). Of course all the ugliness comes out during a seemingly excusable drunken stupor...I love spiteful conversations triggered by excessive drinking. It's like he's been holding in all of his bitterness for a good two months and finally decided to let it all out in one crude and obnoxious burp. It sounded like:

"I'm going to talk about how I'm seeing someone right now even though I'm not really sure if I am and I have a million fucking problems and I don't know how to deal with them so I'm just going to express them onto you and make you feel like shit like how I elaborate on how I miss her and she's so smart and I know that intelligence is something you greatly value so I'm going to go ahead and talk about that just to make you feel even more like shit because you left me hanging so I just wanted to make sure I get the last word no matter how immature I come accross as."

Lovely. It smelled like: bull shit.

You are not excused.

P.S. I am the most attractive girl he has ever dated.

Quizzical

Which scenario is the least redeemable for any form of intelligence?

a.) Very good to leave your lights on when you go to work; then to find out, when you're off at midnight, that you have to be stranded in the parking lot for half an hour.

b.) Even better to fall asleep at the wheel today during Rush Hour on the 91 freeway.

c.) Not to mention spending vital time searching for my keys only to find out I left them in my ignition.

d.) All of the above is unforgivingly moronic, and I need to be permanently removed from the road.

Stay tuned for an inevitable sequel on how my car will most likely stop in the middle of the road due to the fact that I have been driving around with my gas light on, reminding me that my gas tank is EMPTY.

Until next time, buckle your seat belts, cause I'm riding the gnarliest emotional rollercoaster with all these major mood swings I've been having.

I love being a girl.