Dating with Caution

I was just thinking about my last relationship and how much I lacked intimacy with him.

Come to think of it, I was barely intimate with either relationship that I held this year.

It took me a while to figure out what my inhibition was until recently when my heart was broken all over again. I should have taken some time off from the dating scene, like I told myself I would do this past year. I knew with the first one, that this guy was just a cover-up for my pain. The second came out of pure lust, confusion, and general admiration. I guess I was also trying to cover the pain of letting go of the first one. After things completely ended with the second one, I realized how much it didn't hurt.

I wasn't perfectly fine this time around. I hate losing valuable ties with people I truly admire, but at least I was able to wake up and get out of bed. It wasn't until I ran onto The One and Only Heartbreak, that I realized every man I dated or hooked up with this year was a tool I used to cover up my pain. Now, after feeling all that old pain again (accumulated with everything I fucked up this year), I really never want to date anyone again for a long time.

Maybe I'm not as strong as I thought I was. Maybe I really am afraid of the pain. Maybe I'm just afraid of love.

It really baffles me how something can feel so amazing, yet cause you so much pain when it leaves you. I never knew how fragile I was until I realized, after being shattered to pieces yet again, that I really will never be able to fall out of love with him...no matter how far I move away.

Past Loves and Past Lives

I was fourteen years old and he was sixteen. He left for college, and I started seeing other people. I thought I would never be able to get over him...

I was right.

Seeing him today brought back a wave of memories and feelings that overwhelmed me into submission. Our brief encounter triggered something in the back of my mind. I couldn't place a finger on what it was until now. I remembered that I wrote this about him at the age of sixteen when he went away for college. It took me forever to find it...

He approached her and said,"I think you're gorgeous." Never before had she ever felt so weakened by a mere compliment. They always brush over her head like the cool summer breeze. With him, it was pure innocent bliss. Her memories with him were filled with warmth and sunlight even on the dullest days, but that's all that they are now. Just memories, memories that she knows she will never be able to relive.

The images of their time spent together jostled with each other, and she tried to stop them, but she couldn't. His smile, she knew, would always remain the same, as a legacy of his adolescence.

She let him go. "Why did I do it?", she asked herself. She still to this day is unable to find a reason for her acts. She relives her days with him every waking moment until Reality steps in and every word out of his mouth is like a slap in her face; word bullets that tore into the brain and exploded, obliterating memories. Reality is cruel and careless but when things get crucial, all of the sudden it turns apologetic and mollifying. There is no turning back. Even if she could, she shouldn't for fear that she would have to suffer unbearable consequences. But would it be worth it?

Regret flows through her veins as if it is her own blood; through her body, to her heart where anger beats along with confusion. The only thoughts that flow through her mind are useless and they taunt her. She is goaded by her thoughts to be rash, but she takes a look at Reality, and thinks better of it.

"If only I showed more affection; if only I were simply blatant; if only I weren't so shy; if only I hadn't let him go....." She reminds herself that if she keeps looking back she will soon run into a wall of confrontation. "If only" Seemed to be the words of her life.

I know right? Even back then I seemed to have serious issues with men.

I don't know what happened today. It was, seriously, all a blur. My heart was beating out of control, and my thoughts jumbled up into a clutter of excitement. My words were probably far from comprehensible, and that was when I realized...

When the waves of your past come crashing into you, all you can really do is: breathe.

Faking It

ORANGE COUNTY, CALIFORNIA. A place where everything was made so that you wouldn't have to venture any further than five miles from your residential bubble in order to find what you need. The parking spots are bigger, and the neighborhoods are smaller. People here are friendly...so long as we don't have to see each other and exchange that awkward "Hello". Greetings are rarely issued because with that you have to spend a good two minutes pretending to be interested in the person's current life. Faking interest is something that often happens at the mall, the super market, or even on the streets when you see your neighbors during your afternoon jog. There is an unwritten book of rules that every person abides by and the OCPD rarely has any real menace to break up, so they settle with issuing three-hundred-dollar fines to petty crimes such as Jay Walking. It's the perfect place to settle down, raise a family, and (especially) retire. It is not the place, however, to find love.

Here, the college scene is struggling to find an identity for itself, as we are in an age where we are just breaking free from the conservative mindsets instilled upon us by our parents. Labels have been taken to a whole new level. Not only do we wear nothing but brand name clothes, but we have also begun to embrace labels to describe ourselves. Most of the time people can't find an identity of their own so they settle with being an imitation of someone they long to be. In a city filled with men in search of who they really are, an equally lost woman would have just as much trouble finding herself let alone true love. That is not to say that there is a difference somewhere else.

Trust me, I've been "somewhere else" quite a few times now, and just recently I was informed of something I really wish I could forget I ever heard.

So here it is, another complication for an already complicated situation. I hate being stuck in emotional messes. This time, I'm not going to be the one cleaning up. I hate being aggravated and distracted. I already have way too much on my plate to be worrying about such a ridiculous and utterly unreasonable issue.

Fuck it. I'm way too good to even be thinking about this.

Submission to Admission

I'm waiting in line. Waiting to be accepted. Waiting to be judged, and ironically accepting to be judged. The line moves forward, and I can see him. He intimidates me, my fate lies in his hands. The line shortens and before I know it I'm face-to-face with the man who determines my admission.

He does not even look at me (which I find unnerving), but simply orders, "Explain yourself."

What?

Not exactly understanding his request I tell him, "I can't describe what I'm feeling. Not to you, not to me, not to anyone."

He seems to have not taken any of this in. This man is going to be harder to impress than I thought. As I contemplate on how to get on his better side, he catches me off-guard with yet another question.

"Why did you do it?"

I have no choice but to answer, but the problem is that I don't exactly have an answer.

"I don't know what provoked me to do it. I obviously regret it, otherwise I wouldn't be here."

"Why are you here?"

"Because I don't want to be there."

He is still unimpressed. I am still not surprised. It's time to step up my game. There is a silence while he waits for something better than my pathetic response. The silence is neither awkward nor is it unnerving at this point. I know I have all the time in the world, because I have no where else to go now; and neither does he.

Surprisingly he succumbs to the silence, my assumption that it is more out of annoyance with my pettiness than impatience. He finally looks at me and says, "Ultimately everyone winds up here. Think of me as the bouncer who determines who gets to be allowed in. This is why you need to explain your story."

At this point I want in so badly, I'm willing to tell all. It's not like I have anything to lose, because I had already lost everything (my dignity being the least of them) upon coming here.

So I tell him.

"I've spent the majority of my life physically moving through each day just to flee from my own past. Every man I was ever with, I clung on to in hopes of finding some sort of new life on the other side of their passion; all the while my soul was begging for some leniency. My problem was that I was never able to slow down let alone stop. I've always wanted too much and moved too quickly. I've always blamed the men for why I was so hurt."

Here he holds up his hand to make a point. "Look back at how cautious you have been throughout your life; are you sure you haven't been inflicting this pain upon yourself?"

I'm stumped and taken aback by his statement, but I begin to see his point.

My entire life I searched for love. True, passionate love that lies far beneath the surface of image and even words. I grew afraid and confused when my feelings were ever returned. I guess it was my insecurity questioning why any man would ever go for someone like me. This is why, over time, as the men grew closer, I grew further and further away. In the end they got hurt and left, but being the inconsiderate bitch that I was, I channeled all the pain onto myself, blaming the other side for the result. I still blame the other side for the reason why I am here.

Now that it's too late to redeem myself, I ask, "Why? Why was I ever like that? Why did I always have to go and ruin something so good for myself?"

He seems to have had the answer all along.

"Underneath your over-confident persona, dashing smile, and outrageous exclamations, there are detours that can lead a person somewhere so deep inside you where you yourself are even afraid to venture to. You need to stop wanting more. Instead of constantly trying to escape, you need to learn to adapt to the predicaments you usually put yourself into."

This presents a need to defend myself.

"I don't put myself into predicaments."

"How did you end up here then?"

I thought for a second and replied, "I just couldn't take it anymore."

"So you just decided to leave? Just like that? 'poof' and you're gone?"

"Well it was more like I left with a 'bang', but I get it. I know. It was wrong, but it seemed like the only solution. I had no other alternatives. Besides, it's not like anyone cared."

He looks at me.

"You honestly do not feel that your irrational actions made an impact on anyone or anything?"

Being a man of power and high authority thus demanding a great amount of respect, I decide to agree with him only because I just want in. However, my stubborn side overcame my modesty and I replied.

"Not really. I mean they'll all get over this soon, and they barely even notice nor do they care right now."

He simply sighs and tells me, "I'm going to let you in, but first you need to go back and just observe. See for yourself whether or not anyone cares or ever cared. Go."

So I left him, and now I am here on this field.

There is not a single cloud in the sky with only a slight breeze flowing through the day. I've been here many times before, but it was never in my honor. Not once did it ever cross my mind that everyone would one day dress up to come and honor me. I take a look around, and my soul is filled with regret as I watch them all pass by me one by one; each of them placing a white rose upon my coffin and walking away with tears in their eyes.

Now I know. They did care, they still care, and they always will care.

I want to go back. I want a second chance.

What I've Learned So Far

- Grudges, anger and complaints take you nowhere, so don't waste your time.
- Lying is a tendency, don't trust those that carry out even one.
- Everyone has a story, everyone. Get to know them first (really well) then talk all the shit you want.
- But keep in mind shit talking betters no one. Not them. Not yourself, not God. So save your breath, and instead teach the person a thing or two.
- Communication is is the key to a good relationship. Use it, and doors will be opened to greater opportunities, forget about it, and tension will lock you out.
- Time heals all broken hearts. Thanks for the lessons learned.
- Chasing wears you out. Don't do it. Ever. The one you're after is running in the other direction for a reason. 
- Pursuing is different. 
- Things end for a reason.
- Everyone is here to teach you something. Appreciate all.
- Stupidity is contagious, don't let it get to you.

I'm going on for too long. Let's just say that I've got a grip of lessons that I learned from this passed year. I've fallen on my ass, fallen on my face, fallen in love, and fallen for someone else. I've been beaten, broken, picked up, and healed. One thing's for sure is that help is always there when you need it the most. Always. It just depends on if you are humble enough to ask for it. I've shed my fair share of tears, and through it all, I am proud to say that it was all a good experience. So no hard feelings, I'm so much stronger and smarter, and the best part is, I get to share my advice with everyone who needs it.

As for my summer, it is coming along beautifully. It started off with my a surprise party thrown for me by my amazing friends. It ended with an unexpected guest who has stuck with me since. Best birthday party, best birthday gift, and best friends. I had the best time. haha BEST. I'm lovin' this whole flying solo thing, it's a lot of fun, but I don't know how much longer it's going to last. Cause I'm on a fucking good one. British Columbia is beautiful, but tomorrow I will be sleepless in Seattle. 

<3

Me: I thought you would never go for a girl like me cause you kept showing us the most beautiful Persian girl in the world and the most beautiful Indian girl and I was like UGH! What about the most beautiful ASIAN girl in the world huh?

Him: Why would I do that when you were sitting right next to me?

Hehehehe <3