Just Say "Whatever"

Is Power the new recreational drug? If so, then when consumed, can it be handled by just anyone? Or will some of us go on a bad trip?

I never understood how or why people can never be satisfied with where they are. Is it because they don't have anything to be proud of in their current position? People always want more. Nothing is ever enough.

I've dedicated my entire summer adhering to my promise that I made to serve the students who need me. I was told that I've gone through a complete one-hundred-eighty-degree change. I know I have; I made sure of that. However, there's always going to be someone who just can't handle me being too "perfect", so I'm always going to have to deal with those petty comments about whatever small thing that is brought up to be criticized.

I take my mom to church every Sunday. Just a little tidbit: I was baptized into Christianity on October 7, 2007. Since then, I have left that church and searched for a new one. No luck. The church I take my mom to is catholic, and I take her because I love her, but I don't follow that religion. Mother Mary is the only form of a mother that she has left, and I would do anything to keep my mom happy and comfortable.

Enough of that. Today in church, the sermon was about perseverance above persecution. I was a little creeped out about how closely the lesson applied to my current issues. The priest said, no matter how hard you try to be a good person, or to do the right thing, or to better yourself, there is always going to be someone out there trying to find something about you to criticize. Don't get discouraged by hypocritical judgement. Don't let people who focus on the non-essentials get you down. The better you are, the harder people are going to try and bring you down.

Even better advice came from my mom today (which can be viewed in paraphrase in my Tweets). She told me that insignificant people tend to focus on insignificant issues. Of course they want to be as important as I am, but their way of getting noticed is through the only avenue they've always known to travel: immature criticism. She told me to really think about the people who try and criticize me. Are they doing it to challenge me to make me into a better person? Or are they simply doing it to utilize me as a stepping stool so they can climb to the top? My mother is a very intelligent woman, and I love her to death. She concluded by telling me, "Comments and criticism from people who don't matter, simply don't matter, and don't warrant any of your extra attention."

I guess I will never know what the need for power will feel like because I'm already where I want to be in every aspect of my life. However, when someone tries to emanate their power trip onto me, I won't say "no" and try to argue with them, nor will I say "yes" and succumb to their criticism. I will just say: "Whatever".

Floating Forward

I dwell too much on the past, and dream too much about the future.

The reason I never fully enjoy the present, is because I spend my life living in the regret of never enjoying my past to its fullest extent. The reason I live a life of regret, is because my present days never live up to the dreams I have of my future.

I spend my life asking "What if?"
"What if I had done things differently?"

Or,

"What if I don't get into the school of my dreams?"

Time is constantly trying to catch up to my immeasurable expectations as I'm constantly just chasing my dreams. I'm still not sure if I view Time as a friend or enemy. I'm not sure if I'm trying to run from it, or looking to it for help. In the end, I always concede to letting Time catch up to me.

When this happens I always ask it, "Where have you gone?" The answer is always that Time has never left me, I've simply chosen to ignore its essence.

There is nothing I can ever do that will change the past; I need to stop dwelling. If I keep allowing myself to be anchored by regrets, my dreams will all float away, and I will never be able to catch them. It's time to enjoy the present time that I'm living in; this way, I won't have to look back with regret and the wonder of why I never fully enjoyed myself.

From now on, I will be working on moving nowhere but onward and upward. People need me, and I need to tend to them, I can't just disregard them as I float along in my own pathetic reverie. I've come realize that everything I set in front of myself can be acquired, once I stop looking back and wandering off course. No more looking back; my future is waiting.

Pause

I've been so nervous lately. It's like I'm on stage and the world is my audience. I feel as if everyone is watching my every move, waiting for me to screw up as I move blindly through this phenomenon otherwise known as Life.

Yesterday, after I went to get a rental car, then to downtown Los Angeles and retrieved my possessions from my incinerated car, dealt with my insurance company, went to school sat through my joke of a philosophy class, got lunch to feed my famished body, attended the Board of Trustees meeting (which went three hours over), made the agenda for Thursday's meeting, did thirty some-odd problems for Statistics, fed my dog, tried to read for Philosophy, and took a shower, I went to the kitchen and just stood there for a while trying to unwind. Tick. Tick. Tick.

Time has been an enemy that I have learned to accept as a friend. It has long deluded me into thinking that it would wait for me, but I had to learn the hard way that it stops for no one. However, at that moment in the kitchen, I felt at peace with it. I felt like we had a mutual understanding with each other and at that moment, it seemed as though I was standing still with Time itself. Hand in hand. It was the most calm and settling feeling that I have felt in a while.

After too much silence my mind started to recall my weekend and I, once again, became desperate to find something, anything, that would keep my mind busy. I went to my computer and checked my email. It was filled with unread messages. Big surprise. Most of them were business-related, some spam, and the rest were concerns about my well-being after hearing about my weekend. I wish I could say that I'm a polite and caring person who read all of those concerned emails, but frankly, I just don't want to be reminded of anything. So I immersed myself in business instead; I'd like to say that I read those emails too, but let's face it. I didn't.

This weekend had my mind constantly whirling with thoughts and worries about what I've done, and what is to become of me. I couldn't seem to calm down. Then I realized how pathetic I was being.

The truth is, you can turn anything into something dramatic and dysfunctional if you try hard enough. You can spend your days dwelling on all the ways you've screwed up, all the ways you've been let down, and all the ways you've been wronged, but I gaurantee you that there will be no benefit what so ever from this dwelling. If you wish to dwell go right ahead, your mission to seek pity will only end up with you feeling sorry for yourself. Or... you can learn to accept the imperfections of life and move on.

So I stared Death in the face this weekend and miraculously walked away unscathed. My family and I nearly lost both of our homes, and I had to evacuate and live in some cheap motel for the weekend. So what? It happened, big deal. I'm getting over this, and I'm going to come out of this so much smarter and stronger.

Life underestimates me, and it doesn't know that I actually enjoy learning things the hard way. Ha.

It's All Just a Title

"You need to be more stern; don't fall prey to being too nice or you'll get taken advantage of."

It was roughly two in the morning, and I had woken up in a cold sweat two hours prior completely scared shitless of what is to become of me. I spent the remainder of the time leading up to this moment tossing and turning, and doing the usual over-analyzing, and under-rationalizing. I finally couldn't take myself anymore, so I grabbed my phone and started desperately searching for someone, anyone, who would be able to identify with, and help me.

I narrowed my options down to three people. Three disappointing people being that: one was drunk, another was busy, and the last one didn't respond. Funny how they all come banging on your door for advice when you're busy as fuck, unable to help anyone let alone yourself; but when it's your turn to seek advice, everyone is suddenly missing in action or preoccupied with prior engagements.

Go figure.

Anyway, the non-responsive friend became responsive and, to be honest, I didn't expect much help from this person at all considering what they just went through. I was right you know, the majority of the conversation was essentially useless, but upon leaving I was left with that statement up there.

Don't be too nice.

Shit hit me hard. I never knew how much of a push-over I really was until this statement came and slapped me in the face. It not only slapped me, but it mocked me, and taunted me; ultimately reminding me of how much I fucked myself over. It was the most painful bitch I have dealt with by far. That statement had an underlying message that said:

Welcome back to reality Tina, scary shit's been taking place since you've been gone; what's even scarier is that this is all your fault.

I can't believe how submissive I've been with every aspect of my life. I let one failure drag me down with its unworthiness, I let people disrespect me when I should've held authority, and I let myself be lied to by someone I still care about greatly. It's all my fault. I blame no one.

I've been so sprung on being a laid back, "Do What You Want" type of girl, but everything has backfired. I'm so laid back, that I'm being walked all over. Superb. I, above all people, should know that not everyone can be trusted. Not everyone has the common sense to shut up without me having to tell them. Not everyone is kind enough to respect me, and not everyone is going to take my emotions into consideration when an opportunity far more tempting is being presented to them. Disappointingly, not everyone is as strong-minded as I perceive them to be, and not everyone genuinely cares about me.

My priorities are all out of order now. The sad part is that this has been going on since summer, which is why I'm in the shitty predicament that I'm in now. I really need to prioritize my time. School comes first, then Student Government, then everything else can come after if and only if I have time. Why couldn't I think of this before? How retarded am I to have to spend an entire sleepless night to come up with one blatant epiphany that shouldn't have had to require so much consideration?

It is now four in the morning, and my head is spinning. I just realized how wrong in every aspect this situation is. I passively waited for a change, and what I got was a lie. I cared too much, I wanted too much, I tried too hard...but not hard enough.

Well I guess this is just another lesson learned. I have figured out what I need to do, but now all I need is to find the courage to pursue this action. Let this be one of my finest moments of brilliance.

And by finest I mean, extremely illogical, utterly erratic, overwhelmingly emotional, slightly confused, more than slightly delusional, and completely drained of all tears. Yes, I felt all of that and managed not to explode. Look what you've done to me. I hope you're proud.

Extended Dreams

My most desired goal in life is to inspire at least one person and become their role model. From that I hope they can take what they've learned, make what they can of it, and pass it on. I want to be able to live forever through the through the messages I derive from the lessons I learn throughout my entire life.

I guess that means one great accomplishment just isn't gonna cut it.

I'm sure we've all had our moments of glory sometime or another in our lives. While there's no denying that those accomplishments are remarkable, there's still that question of: now what?

Whoever you were back then is gone. You might have been great or insignificant, but you still have the rest of your days to either screw up or redeem yourself. You still have the rest of your life to define yourself. College doesn't define you and high school did so even less. It's all about how you live your life everyday. You define you.

It's like that ex movie star who gets denied all the perks he/she got back in those glory days. How amusing would it be to watch those fits of rage?

"Do you know who I am? I used to be great!"

Used to be great. But what are you now?
Oh that's right, you've fallen back in line with everyone else who is still holding onto the past, because that was the only time they seem to have mattered. I'm sorry. I didn't see you there because you've become so insignificant.

I pity those who live in this illusion of a life that has long surpassed its living days. Life moves on, and so does everyone else; you can't just stay stuck in the past hoping others will join you. Everyone is evolving and becoming greater, while you grasp onto some old glory, unable to make anything better of yourself. Life is still happening, and you're still living. It sucks that one great achievement doesn't make or break who you are, but that's just how it is. It's confusing; it's painful; it's life.

Sucks doesn't it?

Welcome to the real world my friend. In this world, we live in the moment and strive for the future; but we still keep close those lessons we've learned from the past. That sounds about right. Right? We learn from the past, but we don't try to re-live it.

We've done great things, but we want to be greater.

If you've set the bar high for yourself, you need to keep living up to those standards. Don't be a One Hit Wonder.

At my funeral, I want to be remembered for all the great tasks that I accomplished up to the day I died, not just on that one great thing I did on that one day long long ago. I don't want to leave just one footprint in this world, I want to leave a path. I want to be worthy enough to be followed, and I want my philosophy to be passed on with each generation. I want to live forever. Screw leaving the single most powerful message. I'm going for a legacy.

What I've Learned So Far

- Grudges, anger and complaints take you nowhere, so don't waste your time.
- Lying is a tendency, don't trust those that carry out even one.
- Everyone has a story, everyone. Get to know them first (really well) then talk all the shit you want.
- But keep in mind shit talking betters no one. Not them. Not yourself, not God. So save your breath, and instead teach the person a thing or two.
- Communication is is the key to a good relationship. Use it, and doors will be opened to greater opportunities, forget about it, and tension will lock you out.
- Time heals all broken hearts. Thanks for the lessons learned.
- Chasing wears you out. Don't do it. Ever. The one you're after is running in the other direction for a reason. 
- Pursuing is different. 
- Things end for a reason.
- Everyone is here to teach you something. Appreciate all.
- Stupidity is contagious, don't let it get to you.

I'm going on for too long. Let's just say that I've got a grip of lessons that I learned from this passed year. I've fallen on my ass, fallen on my face, fallen in love, and fallen for someone else. I've been beaten, broken, picked up, and healed. One thing's for sure is that help is always there when you need it the most. Always. It just depends on if you are humble enough to ask for it. I've shed my fair share of tears, and through it all, I am proud to say that it was all a good experience. So no hard feelings, I'm so much stronger and smarter, and the best part is, I get to share my advice with everyone who needs it.

As for my summer, it is coming along beautifully. It started off with my a surprise party thrown for me by my amazing friends. It ended with an unexpected guest who has stuck with me since. Best birthday party, best birthday gift, and best friends. I had the best time. haha BEST. I'm lovin' this whole flying solo thing, it's a lot of fun, but I don't know how much longer it's going to last. Cause I'm on a fucking good one. British Columbia is beautiful, but tomorrow I will be sleepless in Seattle. 

Life in the Mirror

I've got a grip of lessons that I learned from this past year. I've fallen on my ass, fallen on my face, fallen in (and out of) love, and fallen for another. I've been beaten, broken, tested, thrown aside, picked up, and healed. I discovered that help is always there when you need it the most. Always. It just depends on if you are humble enough to ask for it. I've shed my fair share of tears, shed off another year of my life, and got rid of all hurtful emotions.

I am proud to honestly say that it was all a good experience. So no hard feelings, I'm so much stronger, smarter, and more equipped for what's out there, and the best part is, I get to share my advice with everyone who needs it.

- Holding a grudge is like carrying bricks instead of books in your backpack. You just end up wasting your time with a useless burden on your shoulders.

- Anger is a pointless emotion. Before getting angry at someone, ask yourself: Will this better me, my situation or the other person in anyway? If you answer no to any of the questions, keep your temper damnit.

- Complaining gets you nowhere, and it annoys the shit out of those who have to listen to you. Shut up, get off your ass, and get yourself what you want.

- Everyone has a story, everyone. You don't know what they've been through, so adding a negative light into their life is not going to make matters better. Get to know them first (really well) then talk all the shit you want.

- But keep in mind shit talking betters no one. Not them. Not yourself, not your dog. So save your breath, and instead teach the person a thing or two if you disagree with their principles so much.

- Communication is is the key to any good relationship. Use it, and doors will be opened to greater opportunities, lose it, and tension will lock you out.

- Chasing wears you out. Don't do it. Ever. The one you're after is running in the other direction for a reason. Also, "Things end for a reason." (wise words from Aylin's sister).

- Everyone is here to teach you something. Appreciate all. On the contrary stupidity is contagious, don't let it get to you. Just love!

Sorry, I'm not preaching, just sharing what I have personally learned. Summer nights leave me pensive. So does reading for hours on end. I'm so ready for Poli Sci though, I want the test to open soon. Bring it bitch.

I have to wake up at 6:30 am to catch a ferry that would take me back to Seattle, Washington, and I also have that test to take. However it's not the test that's keeping me up, but rather the thought of having to wake up at the crack of dawn. Irony amuses me. Goodbye Victoria, you were such a beautiful city. Seattle here I come! I am happy to say that my trip is in descending mode. Halfway done, and I'm headed back home! Yaaaayyy, good...night/morning! 0=)

Oh Tina...

It seems that lately I have been arguing with my inner voice quite a bit. I'm glad that I have it because if it weren't there to tell me to calm down, I don't think anyone would be able to. I don't even know what I'm saying. I actually have nothing to say. I have so many thoughts, but they just all morph into a huge blur of lethargy. I always have the last word. I always have something to say. I always have a defense. I'm somtimes wrong. Bottom line is: I need to stop being so difficult. My conscience is right, and it's time I become right as well. I'm accustomed to always getting what I want. This needs to change. I need to realize that although the world is able to bend over backwards and wrap around itself for me, those living on it are not capable of such abilities. He's so good to me, and I want to be the same to him. Being a bitch is not the solution. I've been so extremely difficult but now I don't have anything to blame it on, it's all just me. I don't like me. I don't know how he can even love me. Or why he does.

 

I guess after my breakdown I just secluded into a whole phase of self pity. Poor me, I had to help plan a wedding for a guy I couldn't care less about. Poor me, I'm actually not getting what I want (and this time need) for once. Poor me, I actually have to start swallowing my pride and being dependent on others. Poor me. Poor me. Poor me. And then the tears started pouring. I guess my emotions were somewhat justified, but mostly I was simply being selfish. There are so many things that I need to realize. One thing that needs to be laid out there, is that I am in constant denial with even myself.

 

Denial is not an eraser, but a mask to hide the fact that a person is not perfect; that they have flaws. I need to unmask myself and face my flaws. I'm prideful, stubborn, and extremely defensive. My past cannot be erased. It happened; and there's no way to change that it did. I can forgive, I should forgive, and I will forgive. But I'm not going to forget. I wish I could, but wishing is futuile. It's just a bunch of pointless hoping that leads to nowhere. The sooner I accept it the sooner I will be able to move on.

 

I have a barrier that keeps me from moving toward my goals. That barrier is my insecurity. Oh yeah. I have it. Big time. I just act all confident and cocky because that is my mask. My denial. Whatever. That's all I say: "whatever"; it's my broom that sweeps away all the problems and ordeals that I can't find a solution to. Whatever, whatever, whatever, whatever. I say it, and it's under the rug. But now the rug is still there and I'm left staring at it, knowing what's underneath.  I have to deal with it. I need to accept it. A little dust in my life isn't going to hurt me. So I'm not perfect. Is that so hard to admit? I say it all the time. But do I really believe it? I do now.

 

I'm not perfect.

 

Oh. That felt weird. So now what? I don't know what the hell just happend or why it happend. I don't know what I just did or why I did it. All I know is now I feel very vulnerable. I'm so dazed right now. I have results, but I don't have reason. I have questions without answers. I've accepted my faults, but I haven't moved on. I feel like I've done so much but achieved so little. I have what I want, but now I want more. I'm the mouse that got the cookie, but didn't get the milk. Should I be satisfied?

 

Hell no. From now on I resolve not to leave anything unfinished. I don't settle for normal. I don't settle for the alternative; and I most definitely do not settle for less.

 

I'm sorry. The only reason I decided to update and write on this thing was because I was suffering from a severe case of writer's block. I guess that critical condition is gone. My writing career is saved. Now let us rejoice, for there is a story to be finished. Well two. Mine that I am writing, and mine that I am living.

 

Yeah..Welcome to my life kids.

Mmm,hm.