Gracious Afflictions

I’ve walked down this road in the past. I know it. I’ve seen that sign of uncertainty so many times before and these red flags are all too familiar. Stopping mid-step, I realize that I’m not going anywhere with this situation at all. I’m not fully satisfied, not learning from my mistakes, and not making any improvements. Then it hit me. I’ve have been walking in circles. Exasperated, I begin to run. Angry at myself for walking right back into square one, I run aimlessly down unfamiliar avenues until I am surrounded by nothing but my own fear.

I run until I can’t handle facing any more of my fears and I settle to a sudden stop. I’m tired and completely lost now that I’m outside of my comfort zone. My legs are fatigued from trying to escape my mistakes, and my heart feels like it’s trying to beat its way out of my chest. I slow down, and begin to walk blindly in the direction of nowhere. I try to convince myself, “This is good; this is what you wanted. You wanted something different, and this is far from ordinary.”

“This is good…”

Yet, no matter how “good” this seems to be, I can’t stop myself from looking back and re-living the past. As I become immersed in my distractions, I forget to watch where I’m going, and I walk straight into a wall of doubt. I hit my head hard and fall to the ground, face-first into a mass of confusion. I lay there for awhile, letting the pain of the impact travel through my body. After awhile I get up, brush off my knees, and turn to examine the source of my fall: that patronizing wall of doubt. It’s not that tall, about two months high, nineteen years long, and indefinitely wide. I can’t find a way around this wall, so I climb the two months, sit down on my doubt, trying to figure out how I got here and how to get out.

Not long ago, I made a decision to take on this journey. So far it has been as pleasant as it is unpredictable. Along this road I’ve stopped by some good conversation, taking with me useful souvenirs like: charm, trust, compassion, and sophistication (to name a few). I spent my nights entangled with lust, and my mornings were calm and complacent. It wasn’t until recently that my old habit decided to kick in. I don’t know why I constantly feel the need to look back.

A breeze flows through the atmosphere, and the cold air provokes a stinging pain coming from my knee. I look down and notice a scrape that was not there before my fall. It’s a minor wound; nothing like the outcome of my past endeavors that cut me so deep the scars will never fade. This is a surface wound that leaves the skin underneath not bleeding, but simply exposed and vulnerable to virtually every infection that comes its way. I stare at it a bit longer and realize that skin is about as raw as the past two months have been for me. Now I realize how I got here. A voice sounds in my head.

“I’m not worried about whether things work out or not.”

Those words keep ringing in my head, “I’m not worried… I’m not worried… I’m not worried…” I was never meant to hear them, but somehow, through the nature of gossip, they got to me. Now I’m sitting here not only confused, but completely hurt. Why didn’t I realize this before? This road I’ve been taking ultimately leads to nowhere, and I feel like I’ve been wasting my time and energy pursuing whatever it is that I’m after. I’m the only one who cares about whether or not things work out, so the smart choice would be to get out now. The problem is I’m determined to make everything work out, no matter how much it hurts me. Quitting isn’t a part of my nature; however stubbornness takes up the majority of it.

I guess in order to get out of that agonizing routine I’ve been repeating for most of my life, I needed to take different paths. Not like it did anything. It just led me straight into a wall which resulted in an aching head and a sharp pain in my knee.

My knee.

That’s it! I’ve been so elusive, so cautious and unwilling to open up. No wonder I haven't been making any progress. Like the wound on my knee, I need to match the pain of my wounds to the raw nature of the journey I’ve been taking. I need to be more exposed. Revealing my true character and exposing the reason behind it is going to sting a little, but the reward is that I’ll only become a stronger, more statisfied person. Now that I’ve figured out how to handle my situation, I need figure out how to get out of this place. I look around, trying to asses how far this “wall” stretches. Then I realize that it’s not a wall I’ve been sitting on, but a step.

I understand now. My doubt has been nothing but a step in my life that I needed to overcome. I get up once again, face in the direction of reassurance and walk over my doubt. I’m ready to fix this... no matter how much it stings.