Spring General Assembly

SAN DIEGO, CALIFORNIA After a hectic weekend of workshops, heart break, campaigning, speech writing, networking, no sleep, endless nerves barely eating, chain smoking, region meetings, voting, more campaigning, and intense debating, I finally achieved what I have been working on since November of 2007.

I was elected an At-Large Senator for the Student Senate for California Community Colleges at this weekend's conference. I probably gave the most powerful speech out of all thirty-one candidates, and got the third highest amount of votes. My friends were awesome when it came to campaigning for me. I barely went around and talked to people, because I was too self-absorbed with my own drama. Nonetheless, I applaud myself for achieving my year-long goal.

Now I'm on to govern over 2.8 million students state-wide.

Oh politics. <3

Hit or Quit?

After my most recent hit and miss with possibly the biggest loser I could ever hook up with, I am starting to feel a sense of power with every man I dispose of. It's almost addicting; with every "I can't put up with your shit" and "I don't have time for you" I feel as if I am only elevating my already heightened ego. Am I becoming heartless? I know thing for sure: I'm losing every sort of muse I ever had.

That was probably the worst statement I could ever utter. Clearly I am only inspired by my encounters with men. I refuse to be governed by any mishaps I may ever have with the Y chromosome.

Well what did I accomplish this Spring Break? I managed to get drunk beyond recollection, and hook up with some guy that I foolishly saw some potential with. At the time he was definitely just some guy. I was hesitant to reciprocate his feelings toward me because I was just grasping the concept of being single again. It wasn't until she came into the picture did I want anything to do with him.

Is that what it takes?

It takes someone else to want the person lusting after me before I get any affirmation that he's worth it? I never gave in, but she did. Not only did she give in, she begged, groveled, kissed ass, and sucked...up. Her annoying laugh at everything he said was more than I could handle.

So I'm sarcastic. I'm a smart-ass. My over-confident self believed that he still wanted me despite his drunken mistake with some bleach blond whale (I'm thoroughly convinced that she was once a nice girl, but that Peroxide can do some serious damage to the mind). I knew that his feelings for me were real, and that I'm way better than that pathetic girl. I expected him to call me, but what I didn't expect was for him to call me the next day. It's frightening, the amount of credit I give myself. I'm either irresistible, or he's a sleaze.

This is quite the predicament to ponder.

Free Boost

I just realized how amazing I am.

After going through two weeks of absolute HELL with school, work, student government, and famiily issues (among many others), I realized: although it SUCKS how I have to deal with all this shit now, the fact that I actually have stuff to stress about makes my life pretty remarkable. As I was rushing back and forth from home and school, I noticed the beautiful flowers in bloom along the road. My life is beautiful, and no one can change that; I've decided to embrace my busy schedule and tell myself how amazing I am for having made it this far.

Funny how I'm feeling so elated even through PMS. LOVELY.

Really. It's lovely. I love my life right now.

The other day I had a mini breakdown as I was rampaging down the 55 freeway (nearly blinded by my own tears and listening to the symphony of my own screaming). Yeah. Life does that to you. But yesterday I realized just how important true friends are in times like these. We all need each other. I love all of my friends. :)

That's my post after being M.I.A. for about a month and a half. :)

Dust Bunnies and Memories

It's that time of year that we all dread, yet some of us welcome it with open arms and a dust pan. Spring Cleaning is here, and along with it comes stress, mood swings, and long lost memories. Upon sorting through my childhood and teenage years, I recovered: a guitar (hardly ever used, but rescued in hopes that I will one day become a rock star), notes written from friends (filled with inside jokes that make me feel so out of the loop now, not understanding any of them), wallet-sized couple pictures (half of them from people I don't even talk to or like anymore), a couple knick knacks from my shallow elementary school days, broken relationships (which led to broken hearts), and two or three things that I feel I would actually use.

As I'm sitting here however (itchy from all the upturned dust), I can't help but to think about all these memories that I recovered. Over summer, when I was remodeling my room, I threw all of the junk that I couldn't care less for into my brother's old, vacant room. At the time I knew it was useless, yet I still was unable to part with it. Now, three seasons later, I still can't find the courage to throw my past away. I simply store it somewhere until I find the time and mindset to actually deal with it.

I guess in a sense there is no throwing away of my past. No matter how hard I try, I either end up not wanting to, or not being able to. I tried shoving it into a vacant room, but it's all still there. I could try moving away, but it would still be here. I could try giving it away, but it would still be there. Somewhere. It's like that shit we learned in chemistry. How matter is neither created nor destroyed. Not exactly the same concept...but close enough.

Meanwhile...

I've been thinking about how things just aren't the same anymore. I shouldn't be surprised, because it's not like I was expecting a smooth ride all the way, but I didn't expect this rocky stage to be filled with so much...apathy. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I really am the demanding little girl that he says I am. Maybe I do complain too much. I don't know, whatever the case is, I can't say or do anything about it because it would simply justify his points and make me look like a bitch. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but I'm sensing too much absence and not enough fondness.

I guess some of us just don't realize the time strain. Soon time will run out and in its place will be a huge distance. About eight hundred miles to be exact. I don't know. Maybe I should just let it be? Maybe I should cool off? Maybe I shouldn't care so much (I mean really, I'm the only one that does care). Maybe I should...give up?

Oh hell, I don't even know what I'm saying. I have a million thoughts running through my head and they all just morph into a huge cloud of confusion. But really, what the hell am I waiting around for? I feel like I'm trying for nothing. I feel empty and also that everything I have is empty. I hate being judged, but I can't help that. It just sucks to know that even the person you love is also judging you, critiquing your every action in hopes of making you into "a better human being". I feel like I'm not good enough.

Well if I'm not good enough at home, and I'm not good enough at school, and I'm not good enough for him than what the hell is the fucking point? What happened to those days when I was beautiful, smart, and funny? When there just wasn't enough of me for him, and he actually thought about me? I miss being cared about. I miss feeling safe, and knowing that I had a sense of belonging. What can I do though? I guess I have to understand that all things come and go, I better appreciate them while they're here cause they sure as hell aren't going to last.

Now I'm angry and hurt from dealing with apathy and...nothing. I hate nothing. It sucks because there's nothing to justify, and nothing to yell at. I'm hurt, I'm tired of crying myself to sleep. I realized that I get tired after I cry and today, I am exhausted.

But that might just be from all the spring cleaning. I should take a shower. I'm still itchy from being attacked by the dust bunnies. Of course when I'm uncomfortable I get cranky so that might just be it.

Fucking dust bunnies...