Gems

Red cups, liquor bottles, beer cans, and bottle caps litter the floor as I shuffle my way through...my own home. I am very grateful to have such loyal friends who woke up early to clean my house after a week of insane partying.

"I love college."

I also love my friends for spending time with me on Independence Day, because with my parents out of town, I thought I was going to be lonely. Contrary to my belief, I actually had people by my side all day, and some even chose to stay over to keep me company because I hate going to sleep in an empty house. However, I love waking up to an empty one, which they also made sure to leave for me.

Sitting there on a blanket in the grass, waiting for the fireworks show to begin, and eating BBQ with bugs flying around us, I couldn't help but marvel at how valuable friendship is. I will never ever throw them away. I feel bad for those sorry souls who feel superior because they throw away all their friends when they hop on the relationship train. So sad.

I love my friends.

Considerations

After a night of intense studying, hot showers, tequila shots, and (of course) many cigarettes, I am finally in bed with my dog anticipating tomorrow and contemplating tonight.

Another friend of mine has been trying to introduce me to her dear friend with facial hair. My question is: why does the whole world feel so compelled to set me up with someone now that I'm newly single?

In any case, Face Fur was adorable. A smart right brainer with a nice smile. He seems very thoughtful and considerate. Good deal right?

He's taken.

Amputee

I hate it for hopping into my life with its one God forsaken leg and ruining a perfectly good friendship. Everything was going well until it decided it needs to match up with its superior. Fuck it for being subordinate and mutated. So what if it feels the need to belong somewhere? It's nothing but a one-legged little shit that will never cease to get in the way of me and any form of happiness.

God damn the Y chromosome.

Romantic Bromance

Sometime ago, back in late November, I was catering a dinner party for my friend and his extended (to say the least) family. Friend also invited a couple of his buddies to attend, and one of them decided to take an interest in me (fantastic). So, Friend was told to invite me out whenever he and his buddy were hanging out, and tonight was supposed to be one of those nights.

Friend invited me out to a club, with the explanation above about Buddy. I don't remember anyone in particular from that party so I asked, "Is he cute?"

He responded, "Well, I'll tell you this, he is only two positions below a CEO, but even so he is still very rich."

Translation: "No, he's not, but I'm hoping his wealth would compensate for any first impressions you may have of his appearance."

Fantastic, I've been pimped out to Donald Trump.

Buddy is very lucky to have a friend like Friend; unfortunately, he also happens to be "a bit older". This means we would have little to nothing in common which ultimately leads to a very awkward (yet, probably, very expensive) dinner. Plus, any man who can't approach me himself is already on the road to elimination. I'm sure he's a nice guy; I just think he deserves someone more...his type (and by "type" I mean "age").

I thank Friend for trying.

Desiring the Unattainable

He tells me about himself, about his life, his background, and why he is the way he is. He tells me about his family and about the life he is living now; I can see that he wants out, he wants to be taken away from this mess. Somehow he manages to hold himself together, but inside he is shattered to pieces. She comes to me asking why he hasn't called, wondering what he's doing at this very moment, and if she should even worry about investing anymore time into pursuing him. She doesn't understand, and all she sees is herself, and what she wants. If I could only show her what he sees, let her feel what he feels, then maybe she would overcome this petty grudge and let him carry on with his dysfunctional life. Alas, that is not the case in this pitiful game of pursuit.

I know what's going on, but I am not at liberty to disclose anything that I was entrusted with. It's a thankless life that I live, in which I am constantly stuck to a thread of one person's secrets that somehow intertwines with the life another. Ultimately, this creates a web of disclosure in which I have the misfortune of being caught in the middle of.

To this day, I still cannot not put a finger on why everyone around me feels the need to spill their problems upon me, like I'm some sort of bottomless vessel available to anyone to use. It is times like these in which I feel the need to have a cathartic moment all to myself.

My friends wonder why I blow them off to stay at home and do nothing. It's not because I don't appreciate their company; it's just, in order to rejuvenate myself, I need to retreat into my own world where I can finally deal with my own problems, and have my peace of mind all to myself. In the ideal world of Tina Land, that would all fall under nicely, but in the real world, where techonolgy plays a significant role in the disruption of my solitude, people manage to pester me with their problems even if I'm not physically around them. I'm not sure if I should be flattered or insulted by this phenomenon. Has anyone ever bothered to ask me what's going on with me? What's going on with my life? What's been on my mind lately?

Never before have I felt more trapped in my own skin. I would give anything to live the life of another person just for a day. I believe that would be rather liberating, but, since I am indefinitely stuck in this life of mine, I should just deal with the issues I have in front of me. My current issue? Relationships. Over the past week or so, I've been thinking to myself about the aspect of relationships. There are the kinds that give you comfort in knowing you will always have someone to cry to at four in the morning, and those that supply you with guidance and support for the bigger things in life. Some relationships are strictly based on your monetary dependence, and others go far beyond the unset boundaries of love.

Relationships are vastly unique, each composed of its own elements that make up the structure of a solid bond. They vary on both sides of the spectrum from being extremely uninhibited and void of all secrets, to being utterly shallow and, at times, rather tense. However, there are those relationships that float around in the middle, waiting to be noticed. These are the bonds that, ideally, are free from the bounds of emotional, social, and even sexual tension. Relationships that are free from such tension should often induce the least amount of stress and, most of the time, are the ideal relationship otherwise known as: friendship. Of course, like any other failed love story, there is always something that gets in between of achieving that perfect friendship. In my case, that something is none other than the Y chromosome.

I have gone through life not only searching for true love, but, above that, true friendship. It's safe to say that I have found some of the best friends I could ever ask for, but I wish that all friendships were completely innocent and free of elusive wonder. For me, a simple friendship with a man is perfectly normal, however for others, it is virtually impossible. This got me to thinking about the relationships taking place around me with those who are my age. I know I'm not the only one who wonders about this, and I'm not the only one who seeks an answer.

In today's society of the economically-deprived college scene, where the lost souls of the adolescent youth are striving to find their true identities, I find it safe to ask: can a man and a woman ever maintain a platonic relationship?

It's All Just a Title

"You need to be more stern; don't fall prey to being too nice or you'll get taken advantage of."

It was roughly two in the morning, and I had woken up in a cold sweat two hours prior completely scared shitless of what is to become of me. I spent the remainder of the time leading up to this moment tossing and turning, and doing the usual over-analyzing, and under-rationalizing. I finally couldn't take myself anymore, so I grabbed my phone and started desperately searching for someone, anyone, who would be able to identify with, and help me.

I narrowed my options down to three people. Three disappointing people being that: one was drunk, another was busy, and the last one didn't respond. Funny how they all come banging on your door for advice when you're busy as fuck, unable to help anyone let alone yourself; but when it's your turn to seek advice, everyone is suddenly missing in action or preoccupied with prior engagements.

Go figure.

Anyway, the non-responsive friend became responsive and, to be honest, I didn't expect much help from this person at all considering what they just went through. I was right you know, the majority of the conversation was essentially useless, but upon leaving I was left with that statement up there.

Don't be too nice.

Shit hit me hard. I never knew how much of a push-over I really was until this statement came and slapped me in the face. It not only slapped me, but it mocked me, and taunted me; ultimately reminding me of how much I fucked myself over. It was the most painful bitch I have dealt with by far. That statement had an underlying message that said:

Welcome back to reality Tina, scary shit's been taking place since you've been gone; what's even scarier is that this is all your fault.

I can't believe how submissive I've been with every aspect of my life. I let one failure drag me down with its unworthiness, I let people disrespect me when I should've held authority, and I let myself be lied to by someone I still care about greatly. It's all my fault. I blame no one.

I've been so sprung on being a laid back, "Do What You Want" type of girl, but everything has backfired. I'm so laid back, that I'm being walked all over. Superb. I, above all people, should know that not everyone can be trusted. Not everyone has the common sense to shut up without me having to tell them. Not everyone is kind enough to respect me, and not everyone is going to take my emotions into consideration when an opportunity far more tempting is being presented to them. Disappointingly, not everyone is as strong-minded as I perceive them to be, and not everyone genuinely cares about me.

My priorities are all out of order now. The sad part is that this has been going on since summer, which is why I'm in the shitty predicament that I'm in now. I really need to prioritize my time. School comes first, then Student Government, then everything else can come after if and only if I have time. Why couldn't I think of this before? How retarded am I to have to spend an entire sleepless night to come up with one blatant epiphany that shouldn't have had to require so much consideration?

It is now four in the morning, and my head is spinning. I just realized how wrong in every aspect this situation is. I passively waited for a change, and what I got was a lie. I cared too much, I wanted too much, I tried too hard...but not hard enough.

Well I guess this is just another lesson learned. I have figured out what I need to do, but now all I need is to find the courage to pursue this action. Let this be one of my finest moments of brilliance.

And by finest I mean, extremely illogical, utterly erratic, overwhelmingly emotional, slightly confused, more than slightly delusional, and completely drained of all tears. Yes, I felt all of that and managed not to explode. Look what you've done to me. I hope you're proud.

Democratic Rally

I know this is long, but I promise you, it's worth reading. Cause I had an amazing day, and I NEVER blog about the events of my day.

First off...

I know, I know. I should've stayed home tonight. I'm so bad at sticking with promises to myself. I haven't written anything in like four days. Well three. But the point is I should've stayed home today. Too bad I went to LA for the DEMOCRATIC RALLY AND DEBATE!!!!

Of course the rally was extremely fun; one of the best and most memorable experiences of my life. We got the crowd so riled up, and we even started some chants. It was so fun. Then the debate came on and everyone watched it on a huge screen outside; it was a little cold, but looking back, I absolutely loved the experience. I will post up pictures when Asha posts them.

We left a little early to avoid the traffic and mob, and we got stopped by two guys from CNN and we were asked to answer some questions about being new voters. It was not a partisan interview at all, yet people started crowding around and yelling "HILLARY HILLARY HILLARY" and "OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA" good thing my interview was first, before the people started coming out. Stupid annoying people I swear. 

Anyway, I loved seeing the Hollywood sign on the hills, and walking down the Walk of Fame, and after studying about the first film stars and seeing them everywhere, it just made everything so much more beautiful. No really. The very first great actors and actresses of Hollywood. So amazing. That was all great, and then came the drive back to Orange County. Of course with Aylin's lack of direction we ended up in K-Town when we were supposed to be on the 101.

Being lost in LA was actually a fun experience. The frustration, and no joke, almost getting into a huge four car collision, was really a lot to laugh about. Then we got back to the Obama Headquarters in Santa Ana, and got some dinner. The boys were dropped off at the headquarters and Aylin, Asha, and I went to get dinner with just us girls.

I really had so much fun today. Girl Talk is always good, and food is always the best. I'm extremely tired now. I have a programming meeting tomorrow, then I'm going straight home again, cause I really need to be at home more often. Especially since I'm gonna be out this whole weekend. Yaayyy, I love Obama!!!! I love my shirts, I love my posters, and I wish we could've shopped in that beautiful Kodak Theatre mall. Oh well.

So basically, today was an amazing day. =) I lost my voice, I hurt my feet, I might be sick, and I love my friends. <3

The Beginning

So basically, I just had an epiphany. I realized that my whole life really is ahead of me right now. This is a great feeling. I have so much going for me, I'm not lost anymore. Never in my life have I felt so complete. For one thing, about a month or so ago I finally got the courage to leave the cult, and find ways to truly love God in a healthy manner. Besides that there are so many other things that would add up to why I am so freakin' happy despite the fact that I am menstrual. My grades are ballin', my friends are real, and my boyfriend is totally boss and the cheese to my macaroni.

But really, I think college students my age would be able to agree with me when I say that our whole lives are ahead of us. There is so much to grasp, and we have the hands to shape our lives however we want. It's our time. Dude I sound so cheesy right now but I just had to share this great feeling with everyone, even if it means staying up late on my sidekick when I should be resting for my test tomorrow.


Change is good.
Life is great.
I love you.




& I mean it. All of it.

Feelings Show

When I like a guy so much I can't get him off my mind, sometimes I feel that mentioning him in everything I talk about would relieve some nerves. It won't be difficult to bring him into a conversation because he's constantly on my mind; so much so that occasionally I might let his name slip out at the wrong time.

I have been through all of that before and I understand how she feels. I'm not mad, I can't be angry at someone for having feelings for him. I don't mind at all. Everyone is entitled to their own feelings.

However it's when feelings turn into actions that might create a problem. I don't want this to be a problem.

And it's not. =)

I'm hungry and I'm fat. I should go running today. I think I'm going to re-read the seventh Harry Potter book. Yes. =)

That and finals are in two weeks.
One week left of classes.

Yeah I might die of stress.
I feel like a failure, like all my hardwork just wasn't enough. I feel helpless because there's not much left that I can do.

Math during intersession.....oh sure why not.