My dad wrote a letter of complaint to my school telling them that I should be paid for all the service I put in throughout the year. He also won't let me get a job for fear that I will be spreading myself too thin, and feels as though the checks he writes me every week will suffice. Ok Dr. Lam.
In the meantime...
What's a 20-year-old girl to do when she recieves triple digits from her dad every week? Fashion Island, here I come.
Showing posts with label Family Affairs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Family Affairs. Show all posts
Friday, June 19, 2009
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Oh Tina...
It seems that lately I have been arguing with my inner voice quite a bit. I'm glad that I have it because if it weren't there to tell me to calm down, I don't think anyone would be able to. I don't even know what I'm saying. I actually have nothing to say. I have so many thoughts, but they just all morph into a huge blur of lethargy. I always have the last word. I always have something to say. I always have a defense. I'm somtimes wrong. Bottom line is: I need to stop being so difficult. My conscience is right, and it's time I become right as well. I'm accustomed to always getting what I want. This needs to change. I need to realize that although the world is able to bend over backwards and wrap around itself for me, those living on it are not capable of such abilities. He's so good to me, and I want to be the same to him. Being a bitch is not the solution. I've been so extremely difficult but now I don't have anything to blame it on, it's all just me. I don't like me. I don't know how he can even love me. Or why he does.
I guess after my breakdown I just secluded into a whole phase of self pity. Poor me, I had to help plan a wedding for a guy I couldn't care less about. Poor me, I'm actually not getting what I want (and this time need) for once. Poor me, I actually have to start swallowing my pride and being dependent on others. Poor me. Poor me. Poor me. And then the tears started pouring. I guess my emotions were somewhat justified, but mostly I was simply being selfish. There are so many things that I need to realize. One thing that needs to be laid out there, is that I am in constant denial with even myself.
Denial is not an eraser, but a mask to hide the fact that a person is not perfect; that they have flaws. I need to unmask myself and face my flaws. I'm prideful, stubborn, and extremely defensive. My past cannot be erased. It happened; and there's no way to change that it did. I can forgive, I should forgive, and I will forgive. But I'm not going to forget. I wish I could, but wishing is futile. It's just a bunch of pointless hoping that leads to nowhere. The sooner I accept it the sooner I will be able to move on.
I have a barrier that keeps me from moving toward my goals. That barrier is my insecurity. Oh yeah. I have it. Big time. I just act all confident and cocky because that is my mask. My denial. Whatever. That's all I say: "whatever"; it's my broom that sweeps away all the problems and ordeals that I can't find a solution to. Whatever, whatever, whatever, whatever. I say it, and it's under the rug. But now the rug is still there and I'm left staring at it, knowing what's underneath. I have to deal with it. I need to accept it. A little dust in my life isn't going to hurt me. So I'm not perfect. Is that so hard to admit? I say it all the time. But do I really believe it? I do now.
I'm not perfect.
Oh. That felt weird. So now what? I don't know what the hell just happend or why it happend. I don't know what I just did or why I did it. All I know is now I feel very vulnerable. I'm so dazed right now. I have results, but I don't have reason. I have questions without answers. I've accepted my faults, but I haven't moved on. I feel like I've done so much but achieved so little. I have what I want, but now I want more. I'm the mouse that got the cookie, but didn't get the milk. Should I be satisfied?
Hell no. From now on I resolve not to leave anything unfinished. I don't settle for normal. I don't settle for the alternative; and I most definitely do not settle for less.
I'm sorry. The only reason I decided to update and write on this thing was because I was suffering from a severe case of writer's block. I guess that critical condition is gone. My writing career is saved. Now let us rejoice, for there is a story to be finished. Well two. Mine that I am writing, and mine that I am living.
Yeah..Welcome to my life kids.
Mmm,hm.
I guess after my breakdown I just secluded into a whole phase of self pity. Poor me, I had to help plan a wedding for a guy I couldn't care less about. Poor me, I'm actually not getting what I want (and this time need) for once. Poor me, I actually have to start swallowing my pride and being dependent on others. Poor me. Poor me. Poor me. And then the tears started pouring. I guess my emotions were somewhat justified, but mostly I was simply being selfish. There are so many things that I need to realize. One thing that needs to be laid out there, is that I am in constant denial with even myself.
Denial is not an eraser, but a mask to hide the fact that a person is not perfect; that they have flaws. I need to unmask myself and face my flaws. I'm prideful, stubborn, and extremely defensive. My past cannot be erased. It happened; and there's no way to change that it did. I can forgive, I should forgive, and I will forgive. But I'm not going to forget. I wish I could, but wishing is futile. It's just a bunch of pointless hoping that leads to nowhere. The sooner I accept it the sooner I will be able to move on.
I have a barrier that keeps me from moving toward my goals. That barrier is my insecurity. Oh yeah. I have it. Big time. I just act all confident and cocky because that is my mask. My denial. Whatever. That's all I say: "whatever"; it's my broom that sweeps away all the problems and ordeals that I can't find a solution to. Whatever, whatever, whatever, whatever. I say it, and it's under the rug. But now the rug is still there and I'm left staring at it, knowing what's underneath. I have to deal with it. I need to accept it. A little dust in my life isn't going to hurt me. So I'm not perfect. Is that so hard to admit? I say it all the time. But do I really believe it? I do now.
I'm not perfect.
Oh. That felt weird. So now what? I don't know what the hell just happend or why it happend. I don't know what I just did or why I did it. All I know is now I feel very vulnerable. I'm so dazed right now. I have results, but I don't have reason. I have questions without answers. I've accepted my faults, but I haven't moved on. I feel like I've done so much but achieved so little. I have what I want, but now I want more. I'm the mouse that got the cookie, but didn't get the milk. Should I be satisfied?
Hell no. From now on I resolve not to leave anything unfinished. I don't settle for normal. I don't settle for the alternative; and I most definitely do not settle for less.
I'm sorry. The only reason I decided to update and write on this thing was because I was suffering from a severe case of writer's block. I guess that critical condition is gone. My writing career is saved. Now let us rejoice, for there is a story to be finished. Well two. Mine that I am writing, and mine that I am living.
Yeah..Welcome to my life kids.
Mmm,hm.
Friday, January 11, 2008
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Cold Toes
I am going to tell you now, that this entry might drive you insane because my thoughts are completely random because I am tired and extremely delusional from a full day of planning and shopping.
I'm going to miss summer. I hate wearing clothes, it's so bothersome, but it is fun to dress up so I guess I'll survive. Speaking of clothes, I still haven't found a dress for the Chancellor's Ball yet and it's next Friday. Like I said, if I don't find anything, I'm not going. Richard might murder me though. Why am I so worried about a dress? I feel like I'm in high school.
Of course I can always go naked.
Some guy ran naked through the library on campus last week. Right on. I think he was trying to tell me something. I fortunately didn't witness it; I only heard about it. But I wouldn't be surprised if he had a sign over his head saying "TINA! THIS IS WHAT YOU SHOULD WEAR TO THE BALL!"
Anway fall is here and the leaves are falling! I love stepping on crunchy leaves, I need to get my paycheck soon, like this week would be nice, or sometime next week before Friday? There's a limo and hotel room that needs to be paid for. Yadidamean? There better be dancing.
I don't understand why my brother can't plan his own wedding. Sure he teaches at the Princeton Review but that doesn't mean he doesn't have time to plan his own goddamn wedding! Don't ask about the fiance, she's busy too I guess, selling puppies. Well aparently she's not that busy because she hasn't gotten me a puppy yet! Yeah I'm being a brat, so slap me. You would bitch too if you had to plan a wedding that's not even yours with only your parents to help you.
I've been happy for about a month or so now. Kind of a record for me. I feel rather accomplished. I think it's important to say that I love my life. I aced my first major exam and I also aced my first major paper. Now all I have to worry about is the never-ending shitload of reading. But hey, that's college for you. UCLA in two years anyone? I have some roomies already picked out [Richard, Asha, and Kathleen please].
The celebration for Latino Heritage Month is coming up on Wednesday, I encourage everyone to go out and support the Hispanics (or whatever they want to be called or feel is politically correct). I'm excited to dress up as Princess Jasmine for Halloween and have Richard be my Raja. He's going to be the hottest tiger ever. Rawr.
I wanna carve a pumpkin.
I'm going to miss summer. I hate wearing clothes, it's so bothersome, but it is fun to dress up so I guess I'll survive. Speaking of clothes, I still haven't found a dress for the Chancellor's Ball yet and it's next Friday. Like I said, if I don't find anything, I'm not going. Richard might murder me though. Why am I so worried about a dress? I feel like I'm in high school.
Of course I can always go naked.
Some guy ran naked through the library on campus last week. Right on. I think he was trying to tell me something. I fortunately didn't witness it; I only heard about it. But I wouldn't be surprised if he had a sign over his head saying "TINA! THIS IS WHAT YOU SHOULD WEAR TO THE BALL!"
Anway fall is here and the leaves are falling! I love stepping on crunchy leaves, I need to get my paycheck soon, like this week would be nice, or sometime next week before Friday? There's a limo and hotel room that needs to be paid for. Yadidamean? There better be dancing.
I don't understand why my brother can't plan his own wedding. Sure he teaches at the Princeton Review but that doesn't mean he doesn't have time to plan his own goddamn wedding! Don't ask about the fiance, she's busy too I guess, selling puppies. Well aparently she's not that busy because she hasn't gotten me a puppy yet! Yeah I'm being a brat, so slap me. You would bitch too if you had to plan a wedding that's not even yours with only your parents to help you.
I've been happy for about a month or so now. Kind of a record for me. I feel rather accomplished. I think it's important to say that I love my life. I aced my first major exam and I also aced my first major paper. Now all I have to worry about is the never-ending shitload of reading. But hey, that's college for you. UCLA in two years anyone? I have some roomies already picked out [Richard, Asha, and Kathleen please].
The celebration for Latino Heritage Month is coming up on Wednesday, I encourage everyone to go out and support the Hispanics (or whatever they want to be called or feel is politically correct). I'm excited to dress up as Princess Jasmine for Halloween and have Richard be my Raja. He's going to be the hottest tiger ever. Rawr.
I wanna carve a pumpkin.
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