All My Men

A couple weeks ago, I went to the U.S. Open in Huntington Beach. Basically, it was an excuse for all of Orange County to congregate in one spot (with clothing optional) to watch national surfers take on the waves. Back home in the Hills, my name was brought up at a party.

A boy hosts a party in hopes of gaining approval from many people he had long since dumped as friends upon leaving high school because he thought he was too good. He takes a break, and walks outside to the sidewalk to talk with his friend. As he is outside, another boy approaches the party. Upon recognizing that this newcomer is someone he does not want at his house, he pulls and fake smile and musters up all the courage he has to be fake.

Too afraid to kick him out, Boy One says, "Hey! You're Tina's ex-boyfriend!"

Boy Two is taken aback, and he hesitates then replies, "Hey! You're Tina's ex-boyfriend!"

Apparently Boy One's plan to intimidate Boy Two backfired, and the two of them had to deal with the awkward competition the entire night.

So I've come to a conclusion as to why Boy One has been so horrible to me all year. He was angry that I moved on. Apparently, when two people break up, no one is allowed to move on. I never knew of this rule, but I'm glad I finally heard of it. Now I can finally decipher the trivial mind of Boy One and his immature reasoning.

Anyway, that awkward little conversation is proof that I am doomed to live a life that is haunted by my Ghosts of Love's Past. Seeing as it is impossible that I simply stop dating, and also that my other option to quarantine all of my past lovers in some desolate place will probably never work out, my only option is to move away from all my men.

I'm thinking, Seattle or Manhattan.

Dating with Caution

I was just thinking about my last relationship and how much I lacked intimacy with him.

Come to think of it, I was barely intimate with either relationship that I held this year.

It took me a while to figure out what my inhibition was until recently when my heart was broken all over again. I should have taken some time off from the dating scene, like I told myself I would do this past year. I knew with the first one, that this guy was just a cover-up for my pain. The second came out of pure lust, confusion, and general admiration. I guess I was also trying to cover the pain of letting go of the first one. After things completely ended with the second one, I realized how much it didn't hurt.

I wasn't perfectly fine this time around. I hate losing valuable ties with people I truly admire, but at least I was able to wake up and get out of bed. It wasn't until I ran onto The One and Only Heartbreak, that I realized every man I dated or hooked up with this year was a tool I used to cover up my pain. Now, after feeling all that old pain again (accumulated with everything I fucked up this year), I really never want to date anyone again for a long time.

Maybe I'm not as strong as I thought I was. Maybe I really am afraid of the pain. Maybe I'm just afraid of love.

It really baffles me how something can feel so amazing, yet cause you so much pain when it leaves you. I never knew how fragile I was until I realized, after being shattered to pieces yet again, that I really will never be able to fall out of love with him...no matter how far I move away.

Gems

Red cups, liquor bottles, beer cans, and bottle caps litter the floor as I shuffle my way through...my own home. I am very grateful to have such loyal friends who woke up early to clean my house after a week of insane partying.

"I love college."

I also love my friends for spending time with me on Independence Day, because with my parents out of town, I thought I was going to be lonely. Contrary to my belief, I actually had people by my side all day, and some even chose to stay over to keep me company because I hate going to sleep in an empty house. However, I love waking up to an empty one, which they also made sure to leave for me.

Sitting there on a blanket in the grass, waiting for the fireworks show to begin, and eating BBQ with bugs flying around us, I couldn't help but marvel at how valuable friendship is. I will never ever throw them away. I feel bad for those sorry souls who feel superior because they throw away all their friends when they hop on the relationship train. So sad.

I love my friends.

Mean Girl

After reluctantly leaving early from the very interesting Board of Trustees meeting to petition for my English 102 class, I was put on blast by the professor and shunned from my class. He said he would email me "in a couple" days about whether I could add his class. Great, so I left a vital meeting early to be turned away from a class that is crucial to my major. Turns out, I was actually enrolled in the class; as I was walking down the hall, he had a student call me back and apologize on his behalf. How noble.

Towards the end of class he told us to write about a song, movie, or poem that we view as valuable literature. "...anything is fine, except for something like Britney Spears' 'Oops, I Did it Again'. Just pick something meaningful, write about a page about it, and after that you may leave."

I opted to challange myself and write about a song that I have recently connected with. I find this song very easy to relate to because it is about a girl that always puts herself in a rut by leading men on. Since I live a life in which a platonic relationship with a straight male is nearly impossible, this song holds a lot of meaning to me.

After writing a kickass paper, I tore it out of my notebook, walked up to the front of the class and shoved it in the tool's face. I walked away laughing.

The title of my paper was: "Literary Judgement: 'Oops, I Did it Again' by Britney Spears"

Insufficient

My dad wrote a letter of complaint to my school telling them that I should be paid for all the service I put in throughout the year. He also won't let me get a job for fear that I will be spreading myself too thin, and feels as though the checks he writes me every week will suffice. Ok Dr. Lam.

In the meantime...

What's a 20-year-old girl to do when she recieves triple digits from her dad every week? Fashion Island, here I come.

It's Not Me; It's You.

I don't know why I never completely severed ties with the guy from Spring Break. I guess I never tried. When I say "never tried", I mean I never tried to get rid of him, but I also never tried to keep him around either. His points were too low for me to put in an effort of any sort.

I'm not quite sure if that last sentence made any sense, but in a nutshell, I never bothered to call him to hang out, and sometimes we had our mishaps, but he always ended up calling me. I guess this just goes to show that I really don't want to settle down yet. The two years in age difference might be part of the reason why he's so persistent in pursuing me, but since I'm still young and trying to get my priorities in order, I see no rush in trying to settle down.

Anyway, the other night he got annoyed that I wrote some sarcastic comment on one of his pictures uploaded to facebook. Granted he was drunk, I still thought he was being too absurd for my liking. I held my phone away from my ear because the cacophony of his yelling was rather unpleasant, and I wasn't in any mood to have my night be ruined. I was barely listening, the entire time he was bickering I was thinking to myself, "This guy is yelling at me about facebook."

I threw his words back in his mouth by telling him to "Get off my nuts." His response?

"Don't ever call me again; I'm not going to call you. It was nice knowing you, you lesbian, bull-dog dyke."

Alright guy. Sorry for never putting out for you, I guess that constitutes me being a homosexual bitch. Right on.

He called me last night when I was in line at the club, but I had my friend pick up. He ended up hanging up on her. Today he called again.

"Hey, I think I overreacted the other night." Oh yeah? I agree.

"I just wanted to apologize."

This is all too easy.

P.S. He called me when I when I was listening to Lily Allen's "Alright Still" album. The irony is that the songs on this album are filled with lyrics that morph together and scream one general message to men: "Fuck off."

Leadership Awards Banquet

After serving one full term as Student Government President, I figured it would only be fair for my senators (who did an excellent job this year) if I took my name off the ballots for the more pertinent awards. In the end, however, I still managed to be voted for one award in particular that struck me as odd:

Best Looking Female Leader.
Congratulations Tina, on earning your Certificate of Vanity.

Motion carries.

Spring General Assembly

SAN DIEGO, CALIFORNIA After a hectic weekend of workshops, heart break, campaigning, speech writing, networking, no sleep, endless nerves barely eating, chain smoking, region meetings, voting, more campaigning, and intense debating, I finally achieved what I have been working on since November of 2007.

I was elected an At-Large Senator for the Student Senate for California Community Colleges at this weekend's conference. I probably gave the most powerful speech out of all thirty-one candidates, and got the third highest amount of votes. My friends were awesome when it came to campaigning for me. I barely went around and talked to people, because I was too self-absorbed with my own drama. Nonetheless, I applaud myself for achieving my year-long goal.

Now I'm on to govern over 2.8 million students state-wide.

Oh politics. <3

Hit or Quit?

After my most recent hit and miss with possibly the biggest loser I could ever hook up with, I am starting to feel a sense of power with every man I dispose of. It's almost addicting; with every "I can't put up with your shit" and "I don't have time for you" I feel as if I am only elevating my already heightened ego. Am I becoming heartless? I know thing for sure: I'm losing every sort of muse I ever had.

That was probably the worst statement I could ever utter. Clearly I am only inspired by my encounters with men. I refuse to be governed by any mishaps I may ever have with the Y chromosome.

Well what did I accomplish this Spring Break? I managed to get drunk beyond recollection, and hook up with some guy that I foolishly saw some potential with. At the time he was definitely just some guy. I was hesitant to reciprocate his feelings toward me because I was just grasping the concept of being single again. It wasn't until she came into the picture did I want anything to do with him.

Is that what it takes?

It takes someone else to want the person lusting after me before I get any affirmation that he's worth it? I never gave in, but she did. Not only did she give in, she begged, groveled, kissed ass, and sucked...up. Her annoying laugh at everything he said was more than I could handle.

So I'm sarcastic. I'm a smart-ass. My over-confident self believed that he still wanted me despite his drunken mistake with some bleach blond whale (I'm thoroughly convinced that she was once a nice girl, but that Peroxide can do some serious damage to the mind). I knew that his feelings for me were real, and that I'm way better than that pathetic girl. I expected him to call me, but what I didn't expect was for him to call me the next day. It's frightening, the amount of credit I give myself. I'm either irresistible, or he's a sleaze.

This is quite the predicament to ponder.

Long Hours Cut Short

After three months of hot coffee, trendy clothes, great food, hard labor, late hours, and fake smiles, I have officially quit my job.

No more folding expensive jeans and stacking them onto a 17-ft wall. No more exploiting the Juicy Couture, Dolce Vita, and Superga sales. Good bye to Junk Food, Lacoste, and Hugo Boss folding.

I will miss making my own iced lattes with soy milk. I will miss being a waitress and going home every night with tip money in my pocket.

Although I was never old enough to make our lovely drinks, I will miss seeing the beer tap that is made out of real men's jeans, the cute martinis, and the awesome wine rack.

I loved my co workers, and I will miss the lovable chef who always gave me samples of our gourmet food.

Goodbye to being a Sales Associate, Barista, and Waitress. Goodbye Java Jean Bar. We'll keep in touch.

Dramatic vs. Traumatic

I'm reading a novel about the history of philosophy and in it I found this quote:

"You can't experience being alive without realizing that you have to die, but it's just as impossible to realize you have to die without thinking how incredibly amazing it is to be alive."

Perhaps, after my accident in November, I have truly embraced the beauty of life. That fateful night could have been the reason why I am no longer fazed by the petty things that others tend to stress over. After staring Death in the face at the age of nineteen, I no longer have a care for acquiring anything but another step through life. Now that I have fully defeated any emotional or financial struggle from that day, I can finally plant both feet on this stable ground that I built for myself, and breathe a sigh of relief. Everything is perfect...

So long as I keep my eyes open.

Once again, I am speeding down the 10. As always, those two lights appear just in front of me, and, as always, my car slams into the one in front of me.

As my car skids out of control, my heart beats likewise. Unable to catch my breath, my eyes snap open. I take a look around and breath a sigh of relief as I realize that I am safe in my room. I watch as the sun illuminates my soft pink walls and, immediately, I am calm again.

No longer do I dream about the shattered glass or the flames engulfing my surroundings. The thoughts of my mom as I presumed my death are merely recollections of that night, and no longer do they lurk in my dreams. It seems to me that as the months go by, my dream keeps getting cut shorter and shorter. It's as if my subconsciousness hopes that one day my dream will be shortened to nothing but a safe drive home, thus matching the same effect with my memories.

Nice try.

I need to stop having these dreams, especially when I'm trying to take a power nap before going in to work tonight. At least I got a good hour in before my slumber was so rudely interrupted by that traumatic dream. I guess I should get ready for work now, seeing as it usually takes me a while to pick out what to wear.

P.S. One more week and I'm done with this place. My feelings? Mixed.

Considerations

After a night of intense studying, hot showers, tequila shots, and (of course) many cigarettes, I am finally in bed with my dog anticipating tomorrow and contemplating tonight.

Another friend of mine has been trying to introduce me to her dear friend with facial hair. My question is: why does the whole world feel so compelled to set me up with someone now that I'm newly single?

In any case, Face Fur was adorable. A smart right brainer with a nice smile. He seems very thoughtful and considerate. Good deal right?

He's taken.

Amputee

I hate it for hopping into my life with its one God forsaken leg and ruining a perfectly good friendship. Everything was going well until it decided it needs to match up with its superior. Fuck it for being subordinate and mutated. So what if it feels the need to belong somewhere? It's nothing but a one-legged little shit that will never cease to get in the way of me and any form of happiness.

God damn the Y chromosome.

The Green Light Effect

It was nearly one in the morning, and I was wrapping the wire around the tables outside (as if someone would really be tempted to come by in the middle of the night to steal a table...or, better yet, a heat lamp). Finally done with that grueling task, I clocked out, got in my car, and drove home. The streets were pretty empty, and I was in a rush to make it home to my bed.

In the distance the light turned red.

I pulled to a stop and rested my foot on the brake pedal, all the while thinking about how exhausted I was. I closed my eyes for a couple seconds, and opened them in time to see the light turn green.

"No," I thought. "I'm so tired, I just want to stay here and rest a little."

It was then that I took the laws of the road into my own selfish hands and decided to stall at the light for a couple seconds longer. I rested my head on the steering wheel and exhaled; from behind me I heard a honk. I looked up to see two bright lights blinding me in my rearview mirror. I had no choice but to press the gas and proceed down the road.

On that drive home I realized, the process of life is like a traffic light. When you're at the light and it turns green, you have no other choice but to go. When you're overwhelmed with obstacles and obligations, you can't just stop and feel sorry for yourself hoping that someone will come and pick up your slack; you need to continue with your life. Like that person in the car who honked at me so that he could continue on with his drive, there will always be someone out there who needs you to keep going so that they can carry out their life. You can't just stay stuck at that light forever; eventually it will change, and you will have to keep going.

On a lighter note: I am currently obsessed with Snow Patrol's music.

You might be thinking, "Wow, you're late; they're so old."

That's fine with me. Asshole.

Romantic Bromance

Sometime ago, back in late November, I was catering a dinner party for my friend and his extended (to say the least) family. Friend also invited a couple of his buddies to attend, and one of them decided to take an interest in me (fantastic). So, Friend was told to invite me out whenever he and his buddy were hanging out, and tonight was supposed to be one of those nights.

Friend invited me out to a club, with the explanation above about Buddy. I don't remember anyone in particular from that party so I asked, "Is he cute?"

He responded, "Well, I'll tell you this, he is only two positions below a CEO, but even so he is still very rich."

Translation: "No, he's not, but I'm hoping his wealth would compensate for any first impressions you may have of his appearance."

Fantastic, I've been pimped out to Donald Trump.

Buddy is very lucky to have a friend like Friend; unfortunately, he also happens to be "a bit older". This means we would have little to nothing in common which ultimately leads to a very awkward (yet, probably, very expensive) dinner. Plus, any man who can't approach me himself is already on the road to elimination. I'm sure he's a nice guy; I just think he deserves someone more...his type (and by "type" I mean "age").

I thank Friend for trying.

Get Over Me

I have been so preoccupied with everything else around me, that I have forgotten to care about men.

In a nutshell: I'm too busy to care, and now some of us have become ostentatious with our barely-there "love lives" (I could elaborate for days on all the aspects of why I used "barely-there", but that would just be mean). Of course all the ugliness comes out during a seemingly excusable drunken stupor...I love spiteful conversations triggered by excessive drinking. It's like he's been holding in all of his bitterness for a good two months and finally decided to let it all out in one crude and obnoxious burp. It sounded like:

"I'm going to talk about how I'm seeing someone right now even though I'm not really sure if I am and I have a million fucking problems and I don't know how to deal with them so I'm just going to express them onto you and make you feel like shit like how I elaborate on how I miss her and she's so smart and I know that intelligence is something you greatly value so I'm going to go ahead and talk about that just to make you feel even more like shit because you left me hanging so I just wanted to make sure I get the last word no matter how immature I come accross as."

Lovely. It smelled like: bull shit.

You are not excused.

P.S. I am the most attractive girl he has ever dated.

Quizzical

Which scenario is the least redeemable for any form of intelligence?

a.) Very good to leave your lights on when you go to work; then to find out, when you're off at midnight, that you have to be stranded in the parking lot for half an hour.

b.) Even better to fall asleep at the wheel today during Rush Hour on the 91 freeway.

c.) Not to mention spending vital time searching for my keys only to find out I left them in my ignition.

d.) All of the above is unforgivingly moronic, and I need to be permanently removed from the road.

Stay tuned for an inevitable sequel on how my car will most likely stop in the middle of the road due to the fact that I have been driving around with my gas light on, reminding me that my gas tank is EMPTY.

Until next time, buckle your seat belts, cause I'm riding the gnarliest emotional rollercoaster with all these major mood swings I've been having.

I love being a girl.

Summation

The Audrey Hepburn poster in my office now has a thought bubble that says, "So much to do...so little time."

Ironically, she is looking at my calendar.

180

I just woke up to the biggest panic attack.

Why the fuck do I lack so much motivation? I feel like time is running out and I don't have any reason to regain any sort of motivation or orginization.

But I have to. And I can. I will. Right?

Time is my biggest enemy in every aspect of my life right now; but the more I stand still and feel sorry for myself, the faster life will pass me by.

I need to get a grip. I'm desperately trying to grasp onto anything that will keep me sane right now, but every chance of orginization just slips away from me. WHAT is wrong with me?

So let's get something straight: I'm emotionally unstable. This emotional rollercoaster is, by far, the most unenjoyable ride I've ever been on in my life.

I blame the pill...or PMS.

Either way, a lesson has been learned: the pill combined with PMS is the bane of every woman on her road to success.

I feel better.

I think tomorrow, after bio, I'm going to sit down at my white board and figure my life out.

I can do this. HA!

I have successfully defeated my hormones. Really? So I screwed up, my job entails a lot of responsibilities, thus presenting a litany of mistakes that can be made. Should I have made them? No. But I did. And I'm learning. I am.

If I were perfect, I would be boring. I'm nineteen years old...I'm NINETEEN. Give me a break. I need to give myself a break seeing as no one else will. Nineteen. Geez Tina, relax. When I look back on my life, I don't want to see some loser who stressed over being student government president at some community college, I want to see a girl who took on a huge role, and came out of it a fucking genius.

Criticize me, I don't care; you're only making me stronger. You can throw empty criticism at me thinking I won't learn from my mistakes, but your lack of faith in me will only motivate me further. WOW, another thing I realized, I'm important enough to be on someone's mind and have them form endless opinions about me. I just realized: I'm pretty important. Okay...what now?

Time to live up to the perceptions...or defeat them.

I need to stop beating myself down. I will climb out of this hole I dug for myself. This is why I haven't really been crying to anybody. When everything is your fault, who can you blame but yourself? Crying in front of someone may be cathartic, but it also puts a burden on them. No one wants extra burdens. I've been keeping to myself and rightfully so; I got myself into this fucked up mess, and I WILL get myself out.

I don't care if I sound redundant in this entry. I need to. Plus this isn't for you, this was all for me. I'm the one who woke up in a cold sweat in the middle of a dream...about being in bio class. I guess that could have been interrupted.

Wow. Ok. I can do this.

Free Boost

I just realized how amazing I am.

After going through two weeks of absolute HELL with school, work, student government, and famiily issues (among many others), I realized: although it SUCKS how I have to deal with all this shit now, the fact that I actually have stuff to stress about makes my life pretty remarkable. As I was rushing back and forth from home and school, I noticed the beautiful flowers in bloom along the road. My life is beautiful, and no one can change that; I've decided to embrace my busy schedule and tell myself how amazing I am for having made it this far.

Funny how I'm feeling so elated even through PMS. LOVELY.

Really. It's lovely. I love my life right now.

The other day I had a mini breakdown as I was rampaging down the 55 freeway (nearly blinded by my own tears and listening to the symphony of my own screaming). Yeah. Life does that to you. But yesterday I realized just how important true friends are in times like these. We all need each other. I love all of my friends. :)

That's my post after being M.I.A. for about a month and a half. :)