I was just thinking about my last relationship and how much I lacked intimacy with him.Come to think of it, I was barely intimate with either relationship that I held this year.
It took me a while to figure out what my inhibition was until recently when my heart was broken all over again. I should have taken some time off from the dating scene, like I told myself I would do this past year. I knew with the first one, that this guy was just a cover-up for my pain. The second came out of pure lust, confusion, and general admiration. I guess I was also trying to cover the pain of letting go of the first one. After things completely ended with the second one, I realized how much it didn't hurt.
I wasn't perfectly fine this time around. I hate losing valuable ties with people I truly admire, but at least I was able to wake up and get out of bed. It wasn't until I ran onto The One and Only Heartbreak, that I realized every man I dated or hooked up with this year was a tool I used to cover up my pain. Now, after feeling all that old pain again (accumulated with everything I fucked up this year), I really never want to date anyone again for a long time.
Maybe I'm not as strong as I thought I was. Maybe I really am afraid of the pain. Maybe I'm just afraid of love.
It really baffles me how something can feel so amazing, yet cause you so much pain when it leaves you. I never knew how fragile I was until I realized, after being shattered to pieces yet again, that I really will never be able to fall out of love with him...no matter how far I move away.
