It's All Just a Title

"You need to be more stern; don't fall prey to being too nice or you'll get taken advantage of."

It was roughly two in the morning, and I had woken up in a cold sweat two hours prior completely scared shitless of what is to become of me. I spent the remainder of the time leading up to this moment tossing and turning, and doing the usual over-analyzing, and under-rationalizing. I finally couldn't take myself anymore, so I grabbed my phone and started desperately searching for someone, anyone, who would be able to identify with, and help me.

I narrowed my options down to three people. Three disappointing people being that: one was drunk, another was busy, and the last one didn't respond. Funny how they all come banging on your door for advice when you're busy as fuck, unable to help anyone let alone yourself; but when it's your turn to seek advice, everyone is suddenly missing in action or preoccupied with prior engagements.

Go figure.

Anyway, the non-responsive friend became responsive and, to be honest, I didn't expect much help from this person at all considering what they just went through. I was right you know, the majority of the conversation was essentially useless, but upon leaving I was left with that statement up there.

Don't be too nice.

Shit hit me hard. I never knew how much of a push-over I really was until this statement came and slapped me in the face. It not only slapped me, but it mocked me, and taunted me; ultimately reminding me of how much I fucked myself over. It was the most painful bitch I have dealt with by far. That statement had an underlying message that said:

Welcome back to reality Tina, scary shit's been taking place since you've been gone; what's even scarier is that this is all your fault.

I can't believe how submissive I've been with every aspect of my life. I let one failure drag me down with its unworthiness, I let people disrespect me when I should've held authority, and I let myself be lied to by someone I still care about greatly. It's all my fault. I blame no one.

I've been so sprung on being a laid back, "Do What You Want" type of girl, but everything has backfired. I'm so laid back, that I'm being walked all over. Superb. I, above all people, should know that not everyone can be trusted. Not everyone has the common sense to shut up without me having to tell them. Not everyone is kind enough to respect me, and not everyone is going to take my emotions into consideration when an opportunity far more tempting is being presented to them. Disappointingly, not everyone is as strong-minded as I perceive them to be, and not everyone genuinely cares about me.

My priorities are all out of order now. The sad part is that this has been going on since summer, which is why I'm in the shitty predicament that I'm in now. I really need to prioritize my time. School comes first, then Student Government, then everything else can come after if and only if I have time. Why couldn't I think of this before? How retarded am I to have to spend an entire sleepless night to come up with one blatant epiphany that shouldn't have had to require so much consideration?

It is now four in the morning, and my head is spinning. I just realized how wrong in every aspect this situation is. I passively waited for a change, and what I got was a lie. I cared too much, I wanted too much, I tried too hard...but not hard enough.

Well I guess this is just another lesson learned. I have figured out what I need to do, but now all I need is to find the courage to pursue this action. Let this be one of my finest moments of brilliance.

And by finest I mean, extremely illogical, utterly erratic, overwhelmingly emotional, slightly confused, more than slightly delusional, and completely drained of all tears. Yes, I felt all of that and managed not to explode. Look what you've done to me. I hope you're proud.

Extended Dreams

My most desired goal in life is to inspire at least one person and become their role model. From that I hope they can take what they've learned, make what they can of it, and pass it on. I want to be able to live forever through the through the messages I derive from the lessons I learn throughout my entire life.

I guess that means one great accomplishment just isn't gonna cut it.

I'm sure we've all had our moments of glory sometime or another in our lives. While there's no denying that those accomplishments are remarkable, there's still that question of: now what?

Whoever you were back then is gone. You might have been great or insignificant, but you still have the rest of your days to either screw up or redeem yourself. You still have the rest of your life to define yourself. College doesn't define you and high school did so even less. It's all about how you live your life everyday. You define you.

It's like that ex movie star who gets denied all the perks he/she got back in those glory days. How amusing would it be to watch those fits of rage?

"Do you know who I am? I used to be great!"

Used to be great. But what are you now?
Oh that's right, you've fallen back in line with everyone else who is still holding onto the past, because that was the only time they seem to have mattered. I'm sorry. I didn't see you there because you've become so insignificant.

I pity those who live in this illusion of a life that has long surpassed its living days. Life moves on, and so does everyone else; you can't just stay stuck in the past hoping others will join you. Everyone is evolving and becoming greater, while you grasp onto some old glory, unable to make anything better of yourself. Life is still happening, and you're still living. It sucks that one great achievement doesn't make or break who you are, but that's just how it is. It's confusing; it's painful; it's life.

Sucks doesn't it?

Welcome to the real world my friend. In this world, we live in the moment and strive for the future; but we still keep close those lessons we've learned from the past. That sounds about right. Right? We learn from the past, but we don't try to re-live it.

We've done great things, but we want to be greater.

If you've set the bar high for yourself, you need to keep living up to those standards. Don't be a One Hit Wonder.

At my funeral, I want to be remembered for all the great tasks that I accomplished up to the day I died, not just on that one great thing I did on that one day long long ago. I don't want to leave just one footprint in this world, I want to leave a path. I want to be worthy enough to be followed, and I want my philosophy to be passed on with each generation. I want to live forever. Screw leaving the single most powerful message. I'm going for a legacy.

Recovery

I don't know where I'm going to be next year. I don't know how far I'm going to be or how close, but for now I know that I do not want to be stuck in this little scenario forever. I feel like this is getting nowhere.

But maybe this getting nowhere is exactly where I need to be. I don't even know what I want anymore. I do, however, know that you shouldn't let your past failed experiences determine what's going to happen this time. What's the harm in trying?

Hurt people hurt people. That's a fact.

Patience is Futile

Is it absurd of me to stick around and wait in a situation that has become so satiated?

No matter how much I try (which, truthfully, isn't that much) I can't seem ignore that question that lies in the back of my mind. Maybe it's the change in seasons, maybe it's my insecurity, or maybe it's because I've been in a state of solitude for a little too long... Whatever it is, I am unable to just accept that things are going well, and being difficult isn't going to help my case.

But I can't help it.

I mean, I may not be like any other girl you know, but occasionally I do give in to the sin that is Over Analyzing. Can you blame me? I just hate being kept in the dark. This wouldn't be so hard if you were an open book that came complete with an answer key. But you're not. And that's what gets me. It's so bothersome, like an itch on my back that I can't seem to reach. I know there are some things you want to know yourself, but I can't help you if you're not willing to do the same. It's sort of a "You scratch my back, and I'll scratch yours" type of deal. Fair enough right?

I guess...

Lately I've noticed that I've been rather submissive. After all the lessons I've learned, I still find myself to be too forgiving. I have finally figured out what is wrong, and just as I begin to gloat in my brilliant epiphany, I realize that it is incomplete. Sure it's wrong, great so avoid it; but then what's "right"? It's like I can see the light, but I don't know where it's shining to. I've figured out the problem, but I don't have an answer. I don't know what's happening or where this is headed, and I want answers. I know I'm close though, but simply not there. I wish I could just ask, but sometimes a simple question could scare away the one person who can supply you with an answer.

I'm dizzy from the thoughts that keep spinning around in my head. I'm being enticed with the hope that someday this could be more. It's so tantalizing, yet so excruciating at the same time to know that there's a possibility this can go either way. I'm scared of what I'm getting myself into, but I want this so bad that I'm willing to put my well-being aside. I'm caught in the moment and it feels so good, but the suspense of the unknown just hurts so bad.

But don't stop. I like it.

"I don't know why I'm waiting around for this. I know it's going to hurt in the end, and I don't want to deal with it so why am I still here now?....Oh....because I like him. That's why."
"Good job Tina, you've finally figured it out."

So...you can clap it you want. I am a self-proclaimed genius.

Post Playlist:
Snow Patrol- Run
Snow Patrol- Open Your Eyes
Remy Zero- Perfect Memory
Death Cab for Cutie- Follow You Into the Dark

Achieving the Unachievable

My days have become occupied with an onslaught of impertinent tasks that I feel will better me in no way at all. It seems to be a huge challenge for me to drag my caffeine-induced body from one point to the next without collapsing on the way. I find myself mindlessly scheduling in more than I can handle, ultimately making myself late to every next class, unable to make that meeting on time, or forgetting to see that friend that I promised to catch up with. Never before have I felt so confined and so completely drained of energy.

It sucks to grow up. Responsibility is a bitch. I still have an inbox full of emails that I have yet to answer. My parents think I'm never home enough, my friends think I never see them enough, my professors think I don't participate enough, and my dog thinks I don't love him enough.

I'm torn between all these obligations to please the world.

In the end, the most unhappy individual is me, and what eats me up is that I can't seem to find a single solution to any of my problems.

What I've Learned So Far

- Grudges, anger and complaints take you nowhere, so don't waste your time.
- Lying is a tendency, don't trust those that carry out even one.
- Everyone has a story, everyone. Get to know them first (really well) then talk all the shit you want.
- But keep in mind shit talking betters no one. Not them. Not yourself, not God. So save your breath, and instead teach the person a thing or two.
- Communication is is the key to a good relationship. Use it, and doors will be opened to greater opportunities, forget about it, and tension will lock you out.
- Time heals all broken hearts. Thanks for the lessons learned.
- Chasing wears you out. Don't do it. Ever. The one you're after is running in the other direction for a reason. 
- Pursuing is different. 
- Things end for a reason.
- Everyone is here to teach you something. Appreciate all.
- Stupidity is contagious, don't let it get to you.

I'm going on for too long. Let's just say that I've got a grip of lessons that I learned from this passed year. I've fallen on my ass, fallen on my face, fallen in love, and fallen for someone else. I've been beaten, broken, picked up, and healed. One thing's for sure is that help is always there when you need it the most. Always. It just depends on if you are humble enough to ask for it. I've shed my fair share of tears, and through it all, I am proud to say that it was all a good experience. So no hard feelings, I'm so much stronger and smarter, and the best part is, I get to share my advice with everyone who needs it.

As for my summer, it is coming along beautifully. It started off with my a surprise party thrown for me by my amazing friends. It ended with an unexpected guest who has stuck with me since. Best birthday party, best birthday gift, and best friends. I had the best time. haha BEST. I'm lovin' this whole flying solo thing, it's a lot of fun, but I don't know how much longer it's going to last. Cause I'm on a fucking good one. British Columbia is beautiful, but tomorrow I will be sleepless in Seattle. 

Life in the Mirror

I've got a grip of lessons that I learned from this past year. I've fallen on my ass, fallen on my face, fallen in (and out of) love, and fallen for another. I've been beaten, broken, tested, thrown aside, picked up, and healed. I discovered that help is always there when you need it the most. Always. It just depends on if you are humble enough to ask for it. I've shed my fair share of tears, shed off another year of my life, and got rid of all hurtful emotions.

I am proud to honestly say that it was all a good experience. So no hard feelings, I'm so much stronger, smarter, and more equipped for what's out there, and the best part is, I get to share my advice with everyone who needs it.

- Holding a grudge is like carrying bricks instead of books in your backpack. You just end up wasting your time with a useless burden on your shoulders.

- Anger is a pointless emotion. Before getting angry at someone, ask yourself: Will this better me, my situation or the other person in anyway? If you answer no to any of the questions, keep your temper damnit.

- Complaining gets you nowhere, and it annoys the shit out of those who have to listen to you. Shut up, get off your ass, and get yourself what you want.

- Everyone has a story, everyone. You don't know what they've been through, so adding a negative light into their life is not going to make matters better. Get to know them first (really well) then talk all the shit you want.

- But keep in mind shit talking betters no one. Not them. Not yourself, not your dog. So save your breath, and instead teach the person a thing or two if you disagree with their principles so much.

- Communication is is the key to any good relationship. Use it, and doors will be opened to greater opportunities, lose it, and tension will lock you out.

- Chasing wears you out. Don't do it. Ever. The one you're after is running in the other direction for a reason. Also, "Things end for a reason." (wise words from Aylin's sister).

- Everyone is here to teach you something. Appreciate all. On the contrary stupidity is contagious, don't let it get to you. Just love!

Sorry, I'm not preaching, just sharing what I have personally learned. Summer nights leave me pensive. So does reading for hours on end. I'm so ready for Poli Sci though, I want the test to open soon. Bring it bitch.

I have to wake up at 6:30 am to catch a ferry that would take me back to Seattle, Washington, and I also have that test to take. However it's not the test that's keeping me up, but rather the thought of having to wake up at the crack of dawn. Irony amuses me. Goodbye Victoria, you were such a beautiful city. Seattle here I come! I am happy to say that my trip is in descending mode. Halfway done, and I'm headed back home! Yaaaayyy, good...night/morning! 0=)

Out on the Line

As I sit here, numbly piecing my heart back together, I realize that I have a newfound appreciation for the lessons I have learned both this year and in the past. I've always held honesty in high regards. I know how important it is to be clean and straight forward, and although the truth hurts, it hurts a lot less if it was expressed from the start rather than being unveiled after a long period of misconceptions.

I was lied to countless times in many different ways and by many different people this year. So, although I did not realize it until it was too late, I was constantly taken advantage of. In order to realize the fallacy of a statement, you must first figure out the other side of it, and by doing so you are uncovering the truth. So yes, "the truth comes out sooner or later", but really, the sooner it comes out, the less of a prick you would look.

Not to mention it would definitely alleviate an immense amount of pain for the individual receiving the full blast of the hurtful truth.

It takes an idiot to chase an idiot. Don't do it. With the gas prices escalating at such a rapid pace these days, you need to invest your time and energy wisely; don't use up all your fuel. Soon you'll be running on empty and realizing how little everything is really worth when you're the only one actually trying. Take a second to stop and think, is it really worth paying the high price of losing your dignity, just to be let down in the end?

The Inconsistancy of Change

If I were to step out of my body and observe myself from a different perspective I would imagine feeling dumbfounded at how someone can possibly go from sane to paranoid, then finally to borderline depressed. The last one might have been a bit stretched, but it was a good way of implying how crazy and absurd I've been acting. Over the time span of three days starting from Tuesday night, I have some how managed to peak the scale of mellow dramatic. That being said, I find it necessary to blog out all the nonsense that I've been feeling, in hopes of justifying my ludicrous actions. The next hour or so will be dedicated to the distressed conveyance of my fears, actions, and downright obscenity.

Somehow, during my most erratic hours, I managed to indulge in three mugs of French vanilla coffee and enough cookies to feed a small third world country. It's embarrassing, even to myself, to realize how miserable I am about the ever-increasing status of my weight; yet I never cease to think about food, especially when I'm feeling like I'm at the lowest point in my life. I risked my life and body to take my dog on a walk at three in the morning to a park where, to date, two gun fights, one murder, three rapes and countless skinned knees (to say the least) have occurred. I don't know how I got back alive and unharmed. I probably was suffering from a severe case of hysteria and in reality did lead myself into danger but traumatized myself so much that I ended up with amnesia, thus causing me to forget the events taking place from when I stepped out of my house to when I finally settled back into bed. My thought now is: if only that could happen for the events of the last six months.

I know change is inevitable. I just wish that I were a lot more open to new things. When I say "open" I really mean I wish that I were a lot braver to face and adjust to new things. Is it asking to much that I simply want to stay in the state that makes me happy and comfortable? Why does change have to be so scary? Yes I understand that change can sometimes be fun. I wouldn't argue with that. New clothes, new hair, new food, new CAR??? All completely good examples of change...and also all completely obtainable with money. I guess what I'm really afraid of is those priceless, unpredictable, and life-affecting changes.

I have certain fears, one of them being change and the other, sadness. What I'm guessing is that I'm afraid of change because it might lead to sadness. However, if I don't take the leap of faith, how will I ever know? I might never reach complete satisfaction if I refuse to move on. I think it's time to take into consideration what's good for me, and what is just completely a waste of my time. I should trust in faith, the problem is, sometimes it's a bit difficult to rely on such an intangible source. I need to be strong. I need to grow a pair of balls and finally rip off that damn band aid. So my wounds will be exposed, so what? Wounds heal, but time can never be replaced. I should take as much as I can from this and move on. I should do that, but I don't want to.

What I want to do is go running into my mom's skirt, crying and begging for her to take me away from all of this. I would love to get away. Maybe once I'm away from all the chaos, I would finally be able to get my life back in order, because to be honest, I'm scared. No, I'm terrified. What if there isn't anything better out there for me? What if I've been wasting my time on nothing? What if I'm LOST??? I tried seeking help. It pains me that my mom is unable to help me these days with my problems, but I understand that everyone has their own problems to deal with (some more important than others). I did spend some quality time with a good friend over coffee (or whatever that water-based decaffeinated shit was) and, of course, cookies. However, I didn't feel comforted so much as I was the one who did the comforting, so I sought the help of two old friends both of whom I was once very close with. The problem was one of them was busy and the other was of no help whatsoever. Which made me realize how over the past six months, I have become so engulfed in my new life, that I have completely forgotten that my old friends have feelings too, and they still care about me...Well at least they did until I decided to become to busy for them.

I should try taking a step back. I now realize that I have been too self-absorbed with myself that I have forgotten the effect I have on others. Looking back over the past three days I have indeed become a little less sensible and a lot more irrational. Although the feelings I felt were legitimate, the actions I took were far from that. I should try considering the fact that I will never be able to grow if I refuse to accept change and pain. Shit happens, and I just have to deal with it. The problem is, I'm loving this chapter of my life too much and I don't want to turn the page.

Dust Bunnies and Memories

It's that time of year that we all dread, yet some of us welcome it with open arms and a dust pan. Spring Cleaning is here, and along with it comes stress, mood swings, and long lost memories. Upon sorting through my childhood and teenage years, I recovered: a guitar (hardly ever used, but rescued in hopes that I will one day become a rock star), notes written from friends (filled with inside jokes that make me feel so out of the loop now, not understanding any of them), wallet-sized couple pictures (half of them from people I don't even talk to or like anymore), a couple knick knacks from my shallow elementary school days, broken relationships (which led to broken hearts), and two or three things that I feel I would actually use.

As I'm sitting here however (itchy from all the upturned dust), I can't help but to think about all these memories that I recovered. Over summer, when I was remodeling my room, I threw all of the junk that I couldn't care less for into my brother's old, vacant room. At the time I knew it was useless, yet I still was unable to part with it. Now, three seasons later, I still can't find the courage to throw my past away. I simply store it somewhere until I find the time and mindset to actually deal with it.

I guess in a sense there is no throwing away of my past. No matter how hard I try, I either end up not wanting to, or not being able to. I tried shoving it into a vacant room, but it's all still there. I could try moving away, but it would still be here. I could try giving it away, but it would still be there. Somewhere. It's like that shit we learned in chemistry. How matter is neither created nor destroyed. Not exactly the same concept...but close enough.

Meanwhile...

I've been thinking about how things just aren't the same anymore. I shouldn't be surprised, because it's not like I was expecting a smooth ride all the way, but I didn't expect this rocky stage to be filled with so much...apathy. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I really am the demanding little girl that he says I am. Maybe I do complain too much. I don't know, whatever the case is, I can't say or do anything about it because it would simply justify his points and make me look like a bitch. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but I'm sensing too much absence and not enough fondness.

I guess some of us just don't realize the time strain. Soon time will run out and in its place will be a huge distance. About eight hundred miles to be exact. I don't know. Maybe I should just let it be? Maybe I should cool off? Maybe I shouldn't care so much (I mean really, I'm the only one that does care). Maybe I should...give up?

Oh hell, I don't even know what I'm saying. I have a million thoughts running through my head and they all just morph into a huge cloud of confusion. But really, what the hell am I waiting around for? I feel like I'm trying for nothing. I feel empty and also that everything I have is empty. I hate being judged, but I can't help that. It just sucks to know that even the person you love is also judging you, critiquing your every action in hopes of making you into "a better human being". I feel like I'm not good enough.

Well if I'm not good enough at home, and I'm not good enough at school, and I'm not good enough for him than what the hell is the fucking point? What happened to those days when I was beautiful, smart, and funny? When there just wasn't enough of me for him, and he actually thought about me? I miss being cared about. I miss feeling safe, and knowing that I had a sense of belonging. What can I do though? I guess I have to understand that all things come and go, I better appreciate them while they're here cause they sure as hell aren't going to last.

Now I'm angry and hurt from dealing with apathy and...nothing. I hate nothing. It sucks because there's nothing to justify, and nothing to yell at. I'm hurt, I'm tired of crying myself to sleep. I realized that I get tired after I cry and today, I am exhausted.

But that might just be from all the spring cleaning. I should take a shower. I'm still itchy from being attacked by the dust bunnies. Of course when I'm uncomfortable I get cranky so that might just be it.

Fucking dust bunnies...

Update

A lot has been happening since the last time I was on here. First things first: I can't type as well because of my damn acrylics. Second: I've been a little frustrated with some things lately. Sometimes I feel like there's not enough love, but this change is just something that I would have to accept. It's just that adapting to such an emotionally challenging transition can be tough at times. I'm fine though. Happy even.

Happy is an understatement. Especially after what happened yesterday.

I got a puppy!

AND his name is Mika. He's my baby. Basically he's the only reason I decided to update haha.

The end. Until next time....

I don't know when next time will be. I hate being so damn busy. I WANT ME TIME.

The End.

Update

A lot has been happening since the last time I was on here. First things first: I can't type as well because of my damn acrylics. Second: I've been a little frustrated with some things lately. Sometimes I feel like there's not enough love, but this change is just something that I would have to accept. It's just that adapting to such an emotionally challenging transition can be tough at times. I'm fine though. Happy even.

Happy is an understatement. Especially after what happened yesterday.

I got a puppy!

AND his name is Mika. He's my baby. Basically he's the only reason I decided to update haha.

The end. Until next time....

I don't know when next time will be. I hate being so damn busy. I WANT ME TIME.

The End.

Wow.

So today was the ASG retreat. It made me realize how extremely busy I'm going to be from now until June.

 

I was planning everything out as far as May and June and it made me extremely sad, thinking about all the people that wouldn't be coming back next year. However, now is not the time to be sad over that. Now is the time to just state that I might end up hospitalized because of how effing booked I am.

 

Oh well. =)

Wow

So today was the ASG retreat. It made me realize how extremely busy I'm going to be from now until June.

I was planning everything out as far as May and June and it made me extremely sad, thinking about all the people that wouldn't be coming back next year. However, now is not the time to be sad over that. Now is the time to just state that I might end up hospitalized because of how effing booked I am.

Oh well. =)

I won't be back here for awhile.

Democratic Rally

I know this is long, but I promise you, it's worth reading. Cause I had an amazing day, and I NEVER blog about the events of my day.

First off...

I know, I know. I should've stayed home tonight. I'm so bad at sticking with promises to myself. I haven't written anything in like four days. Well three. But the point is I should've stayed home today. Too bad I went to LA for the DEMOCRATIC RALLY AND DEBATE!!!!

Of course the rally was extremely fun; one of the best and most memorable experiences of my life. We got the crowd so riled up, and we even started some chants. It was so fun. Then the debate came on and everyone watched it on a huge screen outside; it was a little cold, but looking back, I absolutely loved the experience. I will post up pictures when Asha posts them.

We left a little early to avoid the traffic and mob, and we got stopped by two guys from CNN and we were asked to answer some questions about being new voters. It was not a partisan interview at all, yet people started crowding around and yelling "HILLARY HILLARY HILLARY" and "OBAMA OBAMA OBAMA" good thing my interview was first, before the people started coming out. Stupid annoying people I swear. 

Anyway, I loved seeing the Hollywood sign on the hills, and walking down the Walk of Fame, and after studying about the first film stars and seeing them everywhere, it just made everything so much more beautiful. No really. The very first great actors and actresses of Hollywood. So amazing. That was all great, and then came the drive back to Orange County. Of course with Aylin's lack of direction we ended up in K-Town when we were supposed to be on the 101.

Being lost in LA was actually a fun experience. The frustration, and no joke, almost getting into a huge four car collision, was really a lot to laugh about. Then we got back to the Obama Headquarters in Santa Ana, and got some dinner. The boys were dropped off at the headquarters and Aylin, Asha, and I went to get dinner with just us girls.

I really had so much fun today. Girl Talk is always good, and food is always the best. I'm extremely tired now. I have a programming meeting tomorrow, then I'm going straight home again, cause I really need to be at home more often. Especially since I'm gonna be out this whole weekend. Yaayyy, I love Obama!!!! I love my shirts, I love my posters, and I wish we could've shopped in that beautiful Kodak Theatre mall. Oh well.

So basically, today was an amazing day. =) I lost my voice, I hurt my feet, I might be sick, and I love my friends. <3

Oh Tina...

It seems that lately I have been arguing with my inner voice quite a bit. I'm glad that I have it because if it weren't there to tell me to calm down, I don't think anyone would be able to. I don't even know what I'm saying. I actually have nothing to say. I have so many thoughts, but they just all morph into a huge blur of lethargy. I always have the last word. I always have something to say. I always have a defense. I'm somtimes wrong. Bottom line is: I need to stop being so difficult. My conscience is right, and it's time I become right as well. I'm accustomed to always getting what I want. This needs to change. I need to realize that although the world is able to bend over backwards and wrap around itself for me, those living on it are not capable of such abilities. He's so good to me, and I want to be the same to him. Being a bitch is not the solution. I've been so extremely difficult but now I don't have anything to blame it on, it's all just me. I don't like me. I don't know how he can even love me. Or why he does.

 

I guess after my breakdown I just secluded into a whole phase of self pity. Poor me, I had to help plan a wedding for a guy I couldn't care less about. Poor me, I'm actually not getting what I want (and this time need) for once. Poor me, I actually have to start swallowing my pride and being dependent on others. Poor me. Poor me. Poor me. And then the tears started pouring. I guess my emotions were somewhat justified, but mostly I was simply being selfish. There are so many things that I need to realize. One thing that needs to be laid out there, is that I am in constant denial with even myself.

 

Denial is not an eraser, but a mask to hide the fact that a person is not perfect; that they have flaws. I need to unmask myself and face my flaws. I'm prideful, stubborn, and extremely defensive. My past cannot be erased. It happened; and there's no way to change that it did. I can forgive, I should forgive, and I will forgive. But I'm not going to forget. I wish I could, but wishing is futuile. It's just a bunch of pointless hoping that leads to nowhere. The sooner I accept it the sooner I will be able to move on.

 

I have a barrier that keeps me from moving toward my goals. That barrier is my insecurity. Oh yeah. I have it. Big time. I just act all confident and cocky because that is my mask. My denial. Whatever. That's all I say: "whatever"; it's my broom that sweeps away all the problems and ordeals that I can't find a solution to. Whatever, whatever, whatever, whatever. I say it, and it's under the rug. But now the rug is still there and I'm left staring at it, knowing what's underneath.  I have to deal with it. I need to accept it. A little dust in my life isn't going to hurt me. So I'm not perfect. Is that so hard to admit? I say it all the time. But do I really believe it? I do now.

 

I'm not perfect.

 

Oh. That felt weird. So now what? I don't know what the hell just happend or why it happend. I don't know what I just did or why I did it. All I know is now I feel very vulnerable. I'm so dazed right now. I have results, but I don't have reason. I have questions without answers. I've accepted my faults, but I haven't moved on. I feel like I've done so much but achieved so little. I have what I want, but now I want more. I'm the mouse that got the cookie, but didn't get the milk. Should I be satisfied?

 

Hell no. From now on I resolve not to leave anything unfinished. I don't settle for normal. I don't settle for the alternative; and I most definitely do not settle for less.

 

I'm sorry. The only reason I decided to update and write on this thing was because I was suffering from a severe case of writer's block. I guess that critical condition is gone. My writing career is saved. Now let us rejoice, for there is a story to be finished. Well two. Mine that I am writing, and mine that I am living.

 

Yeah..Welcome to my life kids.

Mmm,hm.

Oh Tina...

It seems that lately I have been arguing with my inner voice quite a bit. I'm glad that I have it because if it weren't there to tell me to calm down, I don't think anyone would be able to. I don't even know what I'm saying. I actually have nothing to say. I have so many thoughts, but they just all morph into a huge blur of lethargy. I always have the last word. I always have something to say. I always have a defense. I'm somtimes wrong. Bottom line is: I need to stop being so difficult. My conscience is right, and it's time I become right as well. I'm accustomed to always getting what I want. This needs to change. I need to realize that although the world is able to bend over backwards and wrap around itself for me, those living on it are not capable of such abilities. He's so good to me, and I want to be the same to him. Being a bitch is not the solution. I've been so extremely difficult but now I don't have anything to blame it on, it's all just me. I don't like me. I don't know how he can even love me. Or why he does.

I guess after my breakdown I just secluded into a whole phase of self pity. Poor me, I had to help plan a wedding for a guy I couldn't care less about. Poor me, I'm actually not getting what I want (and this time need) for once. Poor me, I actually have to start swallowing my pride and being dependent on others. Poor me. Poor me. Poor me. And then the tears started pouring. I guess my emotions were somewhat justified, but mostly I was simply being selfish. There are so many things that I need to realize. One thing that needs to be laid out there, is that I am in constant denial with even myself.

Denial is not an eraser, but a mask to hide the fact that a person is not perfect; that they have flaws. I need to unmask myself and face my flaws. I'm prideful, stubborn, and extremely defensive. My past cannot be erased. It happened; and there's no way to change that it did. I can forgive, I should forgive, and I will forgive. But I'm not going to forget. I wish I could, but wishing is futile. It's just a bunch of pointless hoping that leads to nowhere. The sooner I accept it the sooner I will be able to move on.

I have a barrier that keeps me from moving toward my goals. That barrier is my insecurity. Oh yeah. I have it. Big time. I just act all confident and cocky because that is my mask. My denial. Whatever. That's all I say: "whatever"; it's my broom that sweeps away all the problems and ordeals that I can't find a solution to. Whatever, whatever, whatever, whatever. I say it, and it's under the rug. But now the rug is still there and I'm left staring at it, knowing what's underneath. I have to deal with it. I need to accept it. A little dust in my life isn't going to hurt me. So I'm not perfect. Is that so hard to admit? I say it all the time. But do I really believe it? I do now.

I'm not perfect.

Oh. That felt weird. So now what? I don't know what the hell just happend or why it happend. I don't know what I just did or why I did it. All I know is now I feel very vulnerable. I'm so dazed right now. I have results, but I don't have reason. I have questions without answers. I've accepted my faults, but I haven't moved on. I feel like I've done so much but achieved so little. I have what I want, but now I want more. I'm the mouse that got the cookie, but didn't get the milk. Should I be satisfied?

Hell no. From now on I resolve not to leave anything unfinished. I don't settle for normal. I don't settle for the alternative; and I most definitely do not settle for less.

I'm sorry. The only reason I decided to update and write on this thing was because I was suffering from a severe case of writer's block. I guess that critical condition is gone. My writing career is saved. Now let us rejoice, for there is a story to be finished. Well two. Mine that I am writing, and mine that I am living.

Yeah..Welcome to my life kids.
Mmm,hm.

The Beginning

So basically, I just had an epiphany. I realized that my whole life really is ahead of me right now. This is a great feeling. I have so much going for me, I'm not lost anymore. Never in my life have I felt so complete. For one thing, about a month or so ago I finally got the courage to leave the cult, and find ways to truly love God in a healthy manner. Besides that there are so many other things that would add up to why I am so freakin' happy despite the fact that I am menstrual. My grades are ballin', my friends are real, and my boyfriend is totally boss and the cheese to my macaroni.

But really, I think college students my age would be able to agree with me when I say that our whole lives are ahead of us. There is so much to grasp, and we have the hands to shape our lives however we want. It's our time. Dude I sound so cheesy right now but I just had to share this great feeling with everyone, even if it means staying up late on my sidekick when I should be resting for my test tomorrow.


Change is good.
Life is great.
I love you.




& I mean it. All of it.

Breakdown

Tears are strength.
& I'm exhausted.

Deception, Dysfunction, and Disappointment

So, again, jealousy combined with boredom, (courtesy of your sad life), has resulted in your moronic accusatory behavior. You make absolutely no sense. You would think though, that two heads are better than one, but somehow everything cancelled out and it all jumbled out incomprehensively in the style of an uneducated teenager.

The truth is, you can turn everything into something dysfunctional if you try hard enough. You can spend your days dwelling on all the ways we all screw up, or you can accept life's imperfections and move on to the good stuff. Can you not? I'm ready. I'm sick of deception and dysfunction coming from you. It's been with you for too long.

I know that you're not angry about anything, you're just getting tired of your life (or your lack thereof), so you stir old issues up in hopes of bringing some form of excitement into your life.

I genuinely pity you. I do...but I think now that we're in college, it would be a good time for you to let it go. High school is done and over with, is all that nonsense really worth digging up? I mean is your life really that pathetic? We've all graduated, most of us grow up and move on, while others just....don't...

It's sad, really, but what can I do? I can't do much because I don't care at all. All I can say is thanks for the laugh. But really, stop making such a fool out of yourself.