Just Say "Whatever"

Is Power the new recreational drug? If so, then when consumed, can it be handled by just anyone? Or will some of us go on a bad trip?

I never understood how or why people can never be satisfied with where they are. Is it because they don't have anything to be proud of in their current position? People always want more. Nothing is ever enough.

I've dedicated my entire summer adhering to my promise that I made to serve the students who need me. I was told that I've gone through a complete one-hundred-eighty-degree change. I know I have; I made sure of that. However, there's always going to be someone who just can't handle me being too "perfect", so I'm always going to have to deal with those petty comments about whatever small thing that is brought up to be criticized.

I take my mom to church every Sunday. Just a little tidbit: I was baptized into Christianity on October 7, 2007. Since then, I have left that church and searched for a new one. No luck. The church I take my mom to is catholic, and I take her because I love her, but I don't follow that religion. Mother Mary is the only form of a mother that she has left, and I would do anything to keep my mom happy and comfortable.

Enough of that. Today in church, the sermon was about perseverance above persecution. I was a little creeped out about how closely the lesson applied to my current issues. The priest said, no matter how hard you try to be a good person, or to do the right thing, or to better yourself, there is always going to be someone out there trying to find something about you to criticize. Don't get discouraged by hypocritical judgement. Don't let people who focus on the non-essentials get you down. The better you are, the harder people are going to try and bring you down.

Even better advice came from my mom today (which can be viewed in paraphrase in my Tweets). She told me that insignificant people tend to focus on insignificant issues. Of course they want to be as important as I am, but their way of getting noticed is through the only avenue they've always known to travel: immature criticism. She told me to really think about the people who try and criticize me. Are they doing it to challenge me to make me into a better person? Or are they simply doing it to utilize me as a stepping stool so they can climb to the top? My mother is a very intelligent woman, and I love her to death. She concluded by telling me, "Comments and criticism from people who don't matter, simply don't matter, and don't warrant any of your extra attention."

I guess I will never know what the need for power will feel like because I'm already where I want to be in every aspect of my life. However, when someone tries to emanate their power trip onto me, I won't say "no" and try to argue with them, nor will I say "yes" and succumb to their criticism. I will just say: "Whatever".

Floating Forward

I dwell too much on the past, and dream too much about the future.

The reason I never fully enjoy the present, is because I spend my life living in the regret of never enjoying my past to its fullest extent. The reason I live a life of regret, is because my present days never live up to the dreams I have of my future.

I spend my life asking "What if?"
"What if I had done things differently?"

Or,

"What if I don't get into the school of my dreams?"

Time is constantly trying to catch up to my immeasurable expectations as I'm constantly just chasing my dreams. I'm still not sure if I view Time as a friend or enemy. I'm not sure if I'm trying to run from it, or looking to it for help. In the end, I always concede to letting Time catch up to me.

When this happens I always ask it, "Where have you gone?" The answer is always that Time has never left me, I've simply chosen to ignore its essence.

There is nothing I can ever do that will change the past; I need to stop dwelling. If I keep allowing myself to be anchored by regrets, my dreams will all float away, and I will never be able to catch them. It's time to enjoy the present time that I'm living in; this way, I won't have to look back with regret and the wonder of why I never fully enjoyed myself.

From now on, I will be working on moving nowhere but onward and upward. People need me, and I need to tend to them, I can't just disregard them as I float along in my own pathetic reverie. I've come realize that everything I set in front of myself can be acquired, once I stop looking back and wandering off course. No more looking back; my future is waiting.

Too Much Food for Thought

Today, I realized why men aren't as expressive as women. They lack that monthly mood swing when most women spend it over-eating, and over analyzing anything and everything. It makes me wonder: are men indeed less in touch with their feelings because they don't go through a monthly week-long emotional epiphany; or, are women just over-emotional because mother nature felt it was necessary to cloud us with depression once every month?

I may never know the answer, but at least I found a cool quote today. It's from my favorite Sex and the City episode entitled "The Real Me". I really wish I watched this episode during this past year, when I felt like I was digging myself into a professional and academic shit hole. I guess it's appropriate that I dug this up after getting myself back on track.

"I had a choice. I could slink off the runway and let my inner model die of shame…or I could pick myself up, flaws and all, and finish. And that’s just what I did; because when real people fall down in life, they get right back up and keep on walking." -Carrie Bradshaw (Sex and the City)

Good to know that I'm still walking...hopefully in the right direction.

All My Men

A couple weeks ago, I went to the U.S. Open in Huntington Beach. Basically, it was an excuse for all of Orange County to congregate in one spot (with clothing optional) to watch national surfers take on the waves. Back home in the Hills, my name was brought up at a party.

A boy hosts a party in hopes of gaining approval from many people he had long since dumped as friends upon leaving high school because he thought he was too good. He takes a break, and walks outside to the sidewalk to talk with his friend. As he is outside, another boy approaches the party. Upon recognizing that this newcomer is someone he does not want at his house, he pulls and fake smile and musters up all the courage he has to be fake.

Too afraid to kick him out, Boy One says, "Hey! You're Tina's ex-boyfriend!"

Boy Two is taken aback, and he hesitates then replies, "Hey! You're Tina's ex-boyfriend!"

Apparently Boy One's plan to intimidate Boy Two backfired, and the two of them had to deal with the awkward competition the entire night.

So I've come to a conclusion as to why Boy One has been so horrible to me all year. He was angry that I moved on. Apparently, when two people break up, no one is allowed to move on. I never knew of this rule, but I'm glad I finally heard of it. Now I can finally decipher the trivial mind of Boy One and his immature reasoning.

Anyway, that awkward little conversation is proof that I am doomed to live a life that is haunted by my Ghosts of Love's Past. Seeing as it is impossible that I simply stop dating, and also that my other option to quarantine all of my past lovers in some desolate place will probably never work out, my only option is to move away from all my men.

I'm thinking, Seattle or Manhattan.