Amputee

I hate it for hopping into my life with its one God forsaken leg and ruining a perfectly good friendship. Everything was going well until it decided it needs to match up with its superior. Fuck it for being subordinate and mutated. So what if it feels the need to belong somewhere? It's nothing but a one-legged little shit that will never cease to get in the way of me and any form of happiness.

God damn the Y chromosome.

The Green Light Effect

It was nearly one in the morning, and I was wrapping the wire around the tables outside (as if someone would really be tempted to come by in the middle of the night to steal a table...or, better yet, a heat lamp). Finally done with that grueling task, I clocked out, got in my car, and drove home. The streets were pretty empty, and I was in a rush to make it home to my bed.

In the distance the light turned red.

I pulled to a stop and rested my foot on the brake pedal, all the while thinking about how exhausted I was. I closed my eyes for a couple seconds, and opened them in time to see the light turn green.

"No," I thought. "I'm so tired, I just want to stay here and rest a little."

It was then that I took the laws of the road into my own selfish hands and decided to stall at the light for a couple seconds longer. I rested my head on the steering wheel and exhaled; from behind me I heard a honk. I looked up to see two bright lights blinding me in my rearview mirror. I had no choice but to press the gas and proceed down the road.

On that drive home I realized, the process of life is like a traffic light. When you're at the light and it turns green, you have no other choice but to go. When you're overwhelmed with obstacles and obligations, you can't just stop and feel sorry for yourself hoping that someone will come and pick up your slack; you need to continue with your life. Like that person in the car who honked at me so that he could continue on with his drive, there will always be someone out there who needs you to keep going so that they can carry out their life. You can't just stay stuck at that light forever; eventually it will change, and you will have to keep going.

On a lighter note: I am currently obsessed with Snow Patrol's music.

You might be thinking, "Wow, you're late; they're so old."

That's fine with me. Asshole.

Romantic Bromance

Sometime ago, back in late November, I was catering a dinner party for my friend and his extended (to say the least) family. Friend also invited a couple of his buddies to attend, and one of them decided to take an interest in me (fantastic). So, Friend was told to invite me out whenever he and his buddy were hanging out, and tonight was supposed to be one of those nights.

Friend invited me out to a club, with the explanation above about Buddy. I don't remember anyone in particular from that party so I asked, "Is he cute?"

He responded, "Well, I'll tell you this, he is only two positions below a CEO, but even so he is still very rich."

Translation: "No, he's not, but I'm hoping his wealth would compensate for any first impressions you may have of his appearance."

Fantastic, I've been pimped out to Donald Trump.

Buddy is very lucky to have a friend like Friend; unfortunately, he also happens to be "a bit older". This means we would have little to nothing in common which ultimately leads to a very awkward (yet, probably, very expensive) dinner. Plus, any man who can't approach me himself is already on the road to elimination. I'm sure he's a nice guy; I just think he deserves someone more...his type (and by "type" I mean "age").

I thank Friend for trying.

Get Over Me

I have been so preoccupied with everything else around me, that I have forgotten to care about men.

In a nutshell: I'm too busy to care, and now some of us have become ostentatious with our barely-there "love lives" (I could elaborate for days on all the aspects of why I used "barely-there", but that would just be mean). Of course all the ugliness comes out during a seemingly excusable drunken stupor...I love spiteful conversations triggered by excessive drinking. It's like he's been holding in all of his bitterness for a good two months and finally decided to let it all out in one crude and obnoxious burp. It sounded like:

"I'm going to talk about how I'm seeing someone right now even though I'm not really sure if I am and I have a million fucking problems and I don't know how to deal with them so I'm just going to express them onto you and make you feel like shit like how I elaborate on how I miss her and she's so smart and I know that intelligence is something you greatly value so I'm going to go ahead and talk about that just to make you feel even more like shit because you left me hanging so I just wanted to make sure I get the last word no matter how immature I come accross as."

Lovely. It smelled like: bull shit.

You are not excused.

P.S. I am the most attractive girl he has ever dated.

Quizzical

Which scenario is the least redeemable for any form of intelligence?

a.) Very good to leave your lights on when you go to work; then to find out, when you're off at midnight, that you have to be stranded in the parking lot for half an hour.

b.) Even better to fall asleep at the wheel today during Rush Hour on the 91 freeway.

c.) Not to mention spending vital time searching for my keys only to find out I left them in my ignition.

d.) All of the above is unforgivingly moronic, and I need to be permanently removed from the road.

Stay tuned for an inevitable sequel on how my car will most likely stop in the middle of the road due to the fact that I have been driving around with my gas light on, reminding me that my gas tank is EMPTY.

Until next time, buckle your seat belts, cause I'm riding the gnarliest emotional rollercoaster with all these major mood swings I've been having.

I love being a girl.

Summation

The Audrey Hepburn poster in my office now has a thought bubble that says, "So much to do...so little time."

Ironically, she is looking at my calendar.

180

I just woke up to the biggest panic attack.

Why the fuck do I lack so much motivation? I feel like time is running out and I don't have any reason to regain any sort of motivation or orginization.

But I have to. And I can. I will. Right?

Time is my biggest enemy in every aspect of my life right now; but the more I stand still and feel sorry for myself, the faster life will pass me by.

I need to get a grip. I'm desperately trying to grasp onto anything that will keep me sane right now, but every chance of orginization just slips away from me. WHAT is wrong with me?

So let's get something straight: I'm emotionally unstable. This emotional rollercoaster is, by far, the most unenjoyable ride I've ever been on in my life.

I blame the pill...or PMS.

Either way, a lesson has been learned: the pill combined with PMS is the bane of every woman on her road to success.

I feel better.

I think tomorrow, after bio, I'm going to sit down at my white board and figure my life out.

I can do this. HA!

I have successfully defeated my hormones. Really? So I screwed up, my job entails a lot of responsibilities, thus presenting a litany of mistakes that can be made. Should I have made them? No. But I did. And I'm learning. I am.

If I were perfect, I would be boring. I'm nineteen years old...I'm NINETEEN. Give me a break. I need to give myself a break seeing as no one else will. Nineteen. Geez Tina, relax. When I look back on my life, I don't want to see some loser who stressed over being student government president at some community college, I want to see a girl who took on a huge role, and came out of it a fucking genius.

Criticize me, I don't care; you're only making me stronger. You can throw empty criticism at me thinking I won't learn from my mistakes, but your lack of faith in me will only motivate me further. WOW, another thing I realized, I'm important enough to be on someone's mind and have them form endless opinions about me. I just realized: I'm pretty important. Okay...what now?

Time to live up to the perceptions...or defeat them.

I need to stop beating myself down. I will climb out of this hole I dug for myself. This is why I haven't really been crying to anybody. When everything is your fault, who can you blame but yourself? Crying in front of someone may be cathartic, but it also puts a burden on them. No one wants extra burdens. I've been keeping to myself and rightfully so; I got myself into this fucked up mess, and I WILL get myself out.

I don't care if I sound redundant in this entry. I need to. Plus this isn't for you, this was all for me. I'm the one who woke up in a cold sweat in the middle of a dream...about being in bio class. I guess that could have been interrupted.

Wow. Ok. I can do this.

Free Boost

I just realized how amazing I am.

After going through two weeks of absolute HELL with school, work, student government, and famiily issues (among many others), I realized: although it SUCKS how I have to deal with all this shit now, the fact that I actually have stuff to stress about makes my life pretty remarkable. As I was rushing back and forth from home and school, I noticed the beautiful flowers in bloom along the road. My life is beautiful, and no one can change that; I've decided to embrace my busy schedule and tell myself how amazing I am for having made it this far.

Funny how I'm feeling so elated even through PMS. LOVELY.

Really. It's lovely. I love my life right now.

The other day I had a mini breakdown as I was rampaging down the 55 freeway (nearly blinded by my own tears and listening to the symphony of my own screaming). Yeah. Life does that to you. But yesterday I realized just how important true friends are in times like these. We all need each other. I love all of my friends. :)

That's my post after being M.I.A. for about a month and a half. :)

Rip Van Winkle

I really have nothing to say...nothing except for a vast amount of unspoken thoughts that all just morph into a profusion of temperamental bickering.



I think the past month has been the most overwhelming month I've ever had to endure in my nineteen years of life.

WHEN will I be able to just live?