Past Loves and Past Lives

I was fourteen years old and he was sixteen. He left for college, and I started seeing other people. I thought I would never be able to get over him...

I was right.

Seeing him today brought back a wave of memories and feelings that overwhelmed me into submission. Our brief encounter triggered something in the back of my mind. I couldn't place a finger on what it was until now. I remembered that I wrote this about him at the age of sixteen when he went away for college. It took me forever to find it...

He approached her and said,"I think you're gorgeous." Never before had she ever felt so weakened by a mere compliment. They always brush over her head like the cool summer breeze. With him, it was pure innocent bliss. Her memories with him were filled with warmth and sunlight even on the dullest days, but that's all that they are now. Just memories, memories that she knows she will never be able to relive.

The images of their time spent together jostled with each other, and she tried to stop them, but she couldn't. His smile, she knew, would always remain the same, as a legacy of his adolescence.

She let him go. "Why did I do it?", she asked herself. She still to this day is unable to find a reason for her acts. She relives her days with him every waking moment until Reality steps in and every word out of his mouth is like a slap in her face; word bullets that tore into the brain and exploded, obliterating memories. Reality is cruel and careless but when things get crucial, all of the sudden it turns apologetic and mollifying. There is no turning back. Even if she could, she shouldn't for fear that she would have to suffer unbearable consequences. But would it be worth it?

Regret flows through her veins as if it is her own blood; through her body, to her heart where anger beats along with confusion. The only thoughts that flow through her mind are useless and they taunt her. She is goaded by her thoughts to be rash, but she takes a look at Reality, and thinks better of it.

"If only I showed more affection; if only I were simply blatant; if only I weren't so shy; if only I hadn't let him go....." She reminds herself that if she keeps looking back she will soon run into a wall of confrontation. "If only" Seemed to be the words of her life.

I know right? Even back then I seemed to have serious issues with men.

I don't know what happened today. It was, seriously, all a blur. My heart was beating out of control, and my thoughts jumbled up into a clutter of excitement. My words were probably far from comprehensible, and that was when I realized...

When the waves of your past come crashing into you, all you can really do is: breathe.

Tangled Up

I just spent the last two hours untangling my hair with my fingers. I'm sure the process could have been expedited with a mere hair brush, but I chose to be an idiot and spend two hours combing my hair with my fingers. So I guess this all means that it's time for a haircut. I'm trying to decide between scheduling an appointment to rid myself of this mane, or to just do it myself. Speaking of appointments, I need to schedule one with my dentist because I haven't gone in for a check up in over six months.

I'm very much over the glittery black nail polish phase, and I'm moving on to glittery pink. Yes, I can't seem to stay away from the glitter, but at least I've softened up and deterred myself from the black right? Unfortunately, I have just recently chewed my nails down to an unattractive length.

Aside from some chocolates, I haven't really eaten anything since I woke up at nine this morning. Something is wrong with me. Oh well, I'm going for that ultra-skinny lioness look with an edge of chipped black nail polish. Why the hell am I ranting about my appearance? Looks like insecurity has gotten the best of me.

Damn.

Faking It

ORANGE COUNTY, CALIFORNIA. A place where everything was made so that you wouldn't have to venture any further than five miles from your residential bubble in order to find what you need. The parking spots are bigger, and the neighborhoods are smaller. People here are friendly...so long as we don't have to see each other and exchange that awkward "Hello". Greetings are rarely issued because with that you have to spend a good two minutes pretending to be interested in the person's current life. Faking interest is something that often happens at the mall, the super market, or even on the streets when you see your neighbors during your afternoon jog. There is an unwritten book of rules that every person abides by and the OCPD rarely has any real menace to break up, so they settle with issuing three-hundred-dollar fines to petty crimes such as Jay Walking. It's the perfect place to settle down, raise a family, and (especially) retire. It is not the place, however, to find love.

Here, the college scene is struggling to find an identity for itself, as we are in an age where we are just breaking free from the conservative mindsets instilled upon us by our parents. Labels have been taken to a whole new level. Not only do we wear nothing but brand name clothes, but we have also begun to embrace labels to describe ourselves. Most of the time people can't find an identity of their own so they settle with being an imitation of someone they long to be. In a city filled with men in search of who they really are, an equally lost woman would have just as much trouble finding herself let alone true love. That is not to say that there is a difference somewhere else.

Trust me, I've been "somewhere else" quite a few times now, and just recently I was informed of something I really wish I could forget I ever heard.

So here it is, another complication for an already complicated situation. I hate being stuck in emotional messes. This time, I'm not going to be the one cleaning up. I hate being aggravated and distracted. I already have way too much on my plate to be worrying about such a ridiculous and utterly unreasonable issue.

Fuck it. I'm way too good to even be thinking about this.