"You know what's wrong with you, Miss Whoever-you-are? You're chicken, you've got no guts. You're afraid to stick out your chin and say, "Okay, life's a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness." You call yourself a free spirit, a "wild thing," and you're terrified somebody's gonna stick you in a cage. Well baby, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it's not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somali-land. It's wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself."
I want to say I'm sorry, but I'm not sure if I'm the one at fault. I feel so tied down yet so extremely alleviated. I'm trying to weigh out which emotion is deeper. It's the only way to determine whether or not I would turn around.
But I hate U-turns. But I believe in second chances.
I'm so contradicting. I give myself a headache...but that could also be my sinuses.
I need to move to New York.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
It's All Just a Title
"You need to be more stern; don't fall prey to being too nice or you'll get taken advantage of."
It was roughly two in the morning, and I had woken up in a cold sweat two hours prior completely scared shitless of what is to become of me. I spent the remainder of the time leading up to this moment tossing and turning, and doing the usual over-analyzing, and under-rationalizing. I finally couldn't take myself anymore, so I grabbed my phone and started desperately searching for someone, anyone, who would be able to identify with, and help me.
I narrowed my options down to three people. Three disappointing people being that: one was drunk, another was busy, and the last one didn't respond. Funny how they all come banging on your door for advice when you're busy as fuck, unable to help anyone let alone yourself; but when it's your turn to seek advice, everyone is suddenly missing in action or preoccupied with prior engagements.
Go figure.
Anyway, the non-responsive friend became responsive and, to be honest, I didn't expect much help from this person at all considering what they just went through. I was right you know, the majority of the conversation was essentially useless, but upon leaving I was left with that statement up there.
Don't be too nice.
Shit hit me hard. I never knew how much of a push-over I really was until this statement came and slapped me in the face. It not only slapped me, but it mocked me, and taunted me; ultimately reminding me of how much I fucked myself over. It was the most painful bitch I have dealt with by far. That statement had an underlying message that said:
Welcome back to reality Tina, scary shit's been taking place since you've been gone; what's even scarier is that this is all your fault.
I can't believe how submissive I've been with every aspect of my life. I let one failure drag me down with its unworthiness, I let people disrespect me when I should've held authority, and I let myself be lied to by someone I still care about greatly. It's all my fault. I blame no one.
I've been so sprung on being a laid back, "Do What You Want" type of girl, but everything has backfired. I'm so laid back, that I'm being walked all over. Superb. I, above all people, should know that not everyone can be trusted. Not everyone has the common sense to shut up without me having to tell them. Not everyone is kind enough to respect me, and not everyone is going to take my emotions into consideration when an opportunity far more tempting is being presented to them. Disappointingly, not everyone is as strong-minded as I perceive them to be, and not everyone genuinely cares about me.
My priorities are all out of order now. The sad part is that this has been going on since summer, which is why I'm in the shitty predicament that I'm in now. I really need to prioritize my time. School comes first, then Student Government, then everything else can come after if and only if I have time. Why couldn't I think of this before? How retarded am I to have to spend an entire sleepless night to come up with one blatant epiphany that shouldn't have had to require so much consideration?
It is now four in the morning, and my head is spinning. I just realized how wrong in every aspect this situation is. I passively waited for a change, and what I got was a lie. I cared too much, I wanted too much, I tried too hard...but not hard enough.
Well I guess this is just another lesson learned. I have figured out what I need to do, but now all I need is to find the courage to pursue this action. Let this be one of my finest moments of brilliance.
And by finest I mean, extremely illogical, utterly erratic, overwhelmingly emotional, slightly confused, more than slightly delusional, and completely drained of all tears. Yes, I felt all of that and managed not to explode. Look what you've done to me. I hope you're proud.
It was roughly two in the morning, and I had woken up in a cold sweat two hours prior completely scared shitless of what is to become of me. I spent the remainder of the time leading up to this moment tossing and turning, and doing the usual over-analyzing, and under-rationalizing. I finally couldn't take myself anymore, so I grabbed my phone and started desperately searching for someone, anyone, who would be able to identify with, and help me.
I narrowed my options down to three people. Three disappointing people being that: one was drunk, another was busy, and the last one didn't respond. Funny how they all come banging on your door for advice when you're busy as fuck, unable to help anyone let alone yourself; but when it's your turn to seek advice, everyone is suddenly missing in action or preoccupied with prior engagements.
Go figure.
Anyway, the non-responsive friend became responsive and, to be honest, I didn't expect much help from this person at all considering what they just went through. I was right you know, the majority of the conversation was essentially useless, but upon leaving I was left with that statement up there.
Don't be too nice.
Shit hit me hard. I never knew how much of a push-over I really was until this statement came and slapped me in the face. It not only slapped me, but it mocked me, and taunted me; ultimately reminding me of how much I fucked myself over. It was the most painful bitch I have dealt with by far. That statement had an underlying message that said:
Welcome back to reality Tina, scary shit's been taking place since you've been gone; what's even scarier is that this is all your fault.
I can't believe how submissive I've been with every aspect of my life. I let one failure drag me down with its unworthiness, I let people disrespect me when I should've held authority, and I let myself be lied to by someone I still care about greatly. It's all my fault. I blame no one.
I've been so sprung on being a laid back, "Do What You Want" type of girl, but everything has backfired. I'm so laid back, that I'm being walked all over. Superb. I, above all people, should know that not everyone can be trusted. Not everyone has the common sense to shut up without me having to tell them. Not everyone is kind enough to respect me, and not everyone is going to take my emotions into consideration when an opportunity far more tempting is being presented to them. Disappointingly, not everyone is as strong-minded as I perceive them to be, and not everyone genuinely cares about me.
My priorities are all out of order now. The sad part is that this has been going on since summer, which is why I'm in the shitty predicament that I'm in now. I really need to prioritize my time. School comes first, then Student Government, then everything else can come after if and only if I have time. Why couldn't I think of this before? How retarded am I to have to spend an entire sleepless night to come up with one blatant epiphany that shouldn't have had to require so much consideration?
It is now four in the morning, and my head is spinning. I just realized how wrong in every aspect this situation is. I passively waited for a change, and what I got was a lie. I cared too much, I wanted too much, I tried too hard...but not hard enough.
Well I guess this is just another lesson learned. I have figured out what I need to do, but now all I need is to find the courage to pursue this action. Let this be one of my finest moments of brilliance.
And by finest I mean, extremely illogical, utterly erratic, overwhelmingly emotional, slightly confused, more than slightly delusional, and completely drained of all tears. Yes, I felt all of that and managed not to explode. Look what you've done to me. I hope you're proud.
Friday, September 05, 2008
Extended Dreams
My most desired goal in life is to inspire at least one person and become their role model. From that I hope they can take what they've learned, make what they can of it, and pass it on. I want to be able to live forever through the through the messages I derive from the lessons I learn throughout my entire life.
I guess that means one great accomplishment just isn't gonna cut it.
I'm sure we've all had our moments of glory sometime or another in our lives. While there's no denying that those accomplishments are remarkable, there's still that question of: now what?
Whoever you were back then is gone. You might have been great or insignificant, but you still have the rest of your days to either screw up or redeem yourself. You still have the rest of your life to define yourself. College doesn't define you and high school did so even less. It's all about how you live your life everyday. You define you.
It's like that ex movie star who gets denied all the perks he/she got back in those glory days. How amusing would it be to watch those fits of rage?
"Do you know who I am? I used to be great!"
Used to be great. But what are you now?
Oh that's right, you've fallen back in line with everyone else who is still holding onto the past, because that was the only time they seem to have mattered. I'm sorry. I didn't see you there because you've become so insignificant.
I pity those who live in this illusion of a life that has long surpassed its living days. Life moves on, and so does everyone else; you can't just stay stuck in the past hoping others will join you. Everyone is evolving and becoming greater, while you grasp onto some old glory, unable to make anything better of yourself. Life is still happening, and you're still living. It sucks that one great achievement doesn't make or break who you are, but that's just how it is. It's confusing; it's painful; it's life.
Sucks doesn't it?
Welcome to the real world my friend. In this world, we live in the moment and strive for the future; but we still keep close those lessons we've learned from the past. That sounds about right. Right? We learn from the past, but we don't try to re-live it.
We've done great things, but we want to be greater.
If you've set the bar high for yourself, you need to keep living up to those standards. Don't be a One Hit Wonder.
At my funeral, I want to be remembered for all the great tasks that I accomplished up to the day I died, not just on that one great thing I did on that one day long long ago. I don't want to leave just one footprint in this world, I want to leave a path. I want to be worthy enough to be followed, and I want my philosophy to be passed on with each generation. I want to live forever. Screw leaving the single most powerful message. I'm going for a legacy.
I guess that means one great accomplishment just isn't gonna cut it.
I'm sure we've all had our moments of glory sometime or another in our lives. While there's no denying that those accomplishments are remarkable, there's still that question of: now what?
Whoever you were back then is gone. You might have been great or insignificant, but you still have the rest of your days to either screw up or redeem yourself. You still have the rest of your life to define yourself. College doesn't define you and high school did so even less. It's all about how you live your life everyday. You define you.
It's like that ex movie star who gets denied all the perks he/she got back in those glory days. How amusing would it be to watch those fits of rage?
"Do you know who I am? I used to be great!"
Used to be great. But what are you now?
Oh that's right, you've fallen back in line with everyone else who is still holding onto the past, because that was the only time they seem to have mattered. I'm sorry. I didn't see you there because you've become so insignificant.
I pity those who live in this illusion of a life that has long surpassed its living days. Life moves on, and so does everyone else; you can't just stay stuck in the past hoping others will join you. Everyone is evolving and becoming greater, while you grasp onto some old glory, unable to make anything better of yourself. Life is still happening, and you're still living. It sucks that one great achievement doesn't make or break who you are, but that's just how it is. It's confusing; it's painful; it's life.
Sucks doesn't it?
Welcome to the real world my friend. In this world, we live in the moment and strive for the future; but we still keep close those lessons we've learned from the past. That sounds about right. Right? We learn from the past, but we don't try to re-live it.
We've done great things, but we want to be greater.
If you've set the bar high for yourself, you need to keep living up to those standards. Don't be a One Hit Wonder.
At my funeral, I want to be remembered for all the great tasks that I accomplished up to the day I died, not just on that one great thing I did on that one day long long ago. I don't want to leave just one footprint in this world, I want to leave a path. I want to be worthy enough to be followed, and I want my philosophy to be passed on with each generation. I want to live forever. Screw leaving the single most powerful message. I'm going for a legacy.
Monday, September 01, 2008
Recovery
I don't know where I'm going to be next year. I don't know how far I'm going to be or how close, but for now I know that I do not want to be stuck in this little scenario forever. I feel like this is getting nowhere.
But maybe this getting nowhere is exactly where I need to be. I don't even know what I want anymore. I do, however, know that you shouldn't let your past failed experiences determine what's going to happen this time. What's the harm in trying?
Hurt people hurt people. That's a fact.
But maybe this getting nowhere is exactly where I need to be. I don't even know what I want anymore. I do, however, know that you shouldn't let your past failed experiences determine what's going to happen this time. What's the harm in trying?
Hurt people hurt people. That's a fact.
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